A Hawk in the Shadows
by Falcon8
Summary: Chapter 7 uploaded. Angsty HM. Rated Mature T.
1. Chapter One

I could never picture them together, not from the day he first set foot in the OR. Charles was self-exuberant, over confident, and pompous. He flaunted his surgical skill and financial wealth for everyone to see, not that anyone cared. From the very first step off that wagon and onto the dirt of the compound, he never let me forget just how wonderful he was.

Every moment Charles got, he had to pound it into me. He was the better surgeon and I was no one in his shadow. I often think that he was telling us not to gloat, but instead to push himself on, like he wasn't truly sure of his own surgical skill; it was either that or he was afraid I was going to forget.

Now don't get me wrong, Charles is a pretty damn good surgeon, but he doesn't seem to know when enough is enough.

Apart from his ego, the nurses seemed to draw to him in the beginning, one in particular. Margaret raved about how wonderful his hands were, how terrific he was with a scalpel. There had been a time when I was sure then they'd end up together. As times changed, their attraction seemed to diminish, but they had their moments. I knew about their occasional private dinners and times spent alone in her tent, I wasn't stupid.

Charles was trying his hardest to impress her, bestowing her with gifts and fancy foods. Time after time I would find them sitting together, talking and whispering in low voices. The moment someone walked over or passed by they would quickly change the subject, in some disturbing way they reminded me very much of how Frank and Margaret used to be.

I heard the talk in the Officer's Club, about supposed romances and rendezvous; I refused to listen to any of it. Yet I suppose, in my heart there was always that part of me that wondered, that was scared there really was something going on. I was never sure. At times they could be friendly and civil to each other, sometimes almost to the point of making everyone else sick. Least to say, I wasn't really sorry when they fought and carried on.

Margaret fought with me for three years; during of which I was never really sure which of us had the upper hand. She might have kissed me before we said goodbye, but it was with Charles whom she shared a meaningful farewell with. I saw him give her Elizabeth Browning's _Sonnets of the Portuguese_. I saw the sentiment and longing in her eyes before they said goodbye. I saw the kiss he placed on her hand and the sorrow they shared as they parted. It was Charles who she was looking at as she waved goodbye.

It wouldn't be fair to say I was obsessive or jealous, observant is a more appropriate term. I've always had a watchful eye, knowing everything that was going on around me. That's just the way I've always been. Margaret Houlihan was no exception, although I admit she had some sort of array that seemed to draw my attention. She seemed to give off a glow, a glow that's drawn me to her since we first met and that's continued for four years.

There were others besides Charles, others that were far more threatening. I know this sounds silly, but I was envious of Frank Burns. That's not the reason I hated him mind you, no, I got that from his distaste and inhumane character. I was jealous because Margaret wasn't good enough for him; she deserved better than an adulterous, backstabbing, spineless, shadow of a man.

She was smart and brave and loving; Frank Burns never should have had the pleasure of speaking to her, let alone touching her. I think that's what caused me to play those horrible tricks. Placing microphones under her bed as they talked or had sex was my idea.

I thought that if a woman would waste her time with someone like him, then there must have been something wrong with her. As time went on, I saw that wonderful, warm person, hidden behind that wall. But that wasn't enough; she still didn't want anything to do with me.

You wouldn't believe the number of times I thought Trapper and Margaret were seeing one another; sometimes you could just see the lust in their eyes. I knew what they wanted, but it was something neither one of them wanted to risk. Trapper wasn't any better than Frank, and yet we ridiculed him for his incompetence and greed. It wasn't the war that had driven him to cheat on his wife like it had BJ. No, Trapper did things with his own accord.

Donald Penobscott broke her heart, that lying bastard. I knew he was bad news from the first time I met him. The day she told us she was getting married I had to keep from challenging her decision. I never claimed to be an expert on commitment or relationships, but I knew enough to know that a healthy marriage couldn't be built on a one-week holiday. Margaret was genuinely happy though; I'd never seen her so elated. Apparently all she'd been missing was a man of a substantial position who appeared to love her. I was resentful. But then again, who was I to tell her whom she could and couldn't love.

After their divorce she had other romances. Pilots, Reporters, Intelligence officers, Special Forces commanders. When Scully stepped in I thought nothing of it. After our falling out I'd tried to turn away from my feelings. Margaret had wanted me only in the regard that I had change who I was. Hawkeye Pierce doesn't change for anyone. I hadn't changed for Carlye, I wouldn't change for the Army, and I refused to change for a woman who had never loved me to begin with. But I admit that I found satisfaction when they broke off their relationship. They had done to each other what she had done to me and every other man. I did not find solace in her pain, if anything it only deepened mine.

I've always thought of her relationship with that Swedish officer as to have been an interesting one. I know they were never intimate, but she connected with him on a level that she had never experienced with anyone else. Whenever Per was in the room, everyone else seemed to disappear. I was nothing more than a stupid irrational man when Per was in the room. I'm sure that if she saw him again she'd jump right into his arms, unlike she will when she sees me. I already know that all I'm getting is a nervous look and a weak hug. They're all terrified of me, after what happened and all. No one wants to be caught in the same room with a crazy man.

"What do you think about this? Are you getting hungry?" He asked Hawkeye as they drove. "Do you feel like stopping yet?"

Hawkeye thought for a moment. "No," he said softly. "I do not feel like eating in an airless, rusting, grease trap of a tin can. Keep driving, there has to be some place more civilized." Hawkeye sat back again and watched the scenery pass by.

I suppose I can see why she's always been fond of those Military type men. They're just as obedient as golden retrievers and less messy. She's always been into those tall, handsome, bulky, strong, dumb types. The ones with IQ's equal to Pigeons and fleas. Every single man I've ever seen her with fit that description in some way. They have neatly combed hair and smooth shaved faces, expensive wristwatches and shiny cars, big houses and a servant for every room. There's a new 200 suit in every closet and a pair of winged tipped shoes for every day of the week.

My wardrobe consists of an old T-shirt, faded lose blue jeans, and a pair of worn leather shoes. The last haircut I had up until this date, I'm ashamed to say was in Korea, over a year ago. It's black again, I'm happy to announce, but it was getting to be awfully long. My bangs reached far past my eyes and down to my nose, I'm not sure you could even see my ears unless it was tucked behind.

"Okay, so what about that one?" He asked Hawkeye hopefully. "Does that sound good?"

Hawk looked at the passing sign; they were approaching another small eatery, 'Martha's Diner'. "What time is it?"

He looked at his watch. "It's almost ten Hawk. You wanted to keep driving through the night right?"

"Yeah."

Trying to sound persuasive he pressed, "This looks as good as we're going to get."

"I bet you're right," he agreed unhappily. "I'm starving anyway," Hawkeye said. They parked the car and got out. Hawkeye put on his jacket and flipped up the collar, together they walked inside. The hostess saw them enter and immediately picked up two menus.

"Evening gentlemen, smoking or nonsmoking?" She asked quickly. The two men looked at each other, neither knew what the other wanted.

"I think perhaps nonsmoking would be best," Hawkeye said to the woman.

"Okay, right this way." She started walking away, leading them to a booth by the front window. "Here ya' go." She placed the menus on the small table.

"Thanks."

"Sure honey," she said as she walked away.

You'd think one year would be enough for me to sort my thoughts and collect myself. Well I can tell you, it wasn't. Exactly one year after the war ended, I still haven't found the part of me that I lost. Benjamin Franklin Pierce is very much alive, somewhere.

The man I was before got left back somewhere in Korea. Maybe that's what's scaring me, they're all going to be expecting the same Hawkeye. That fun loving, joke cracking, bemusing, pure nonsense little boy. And what are they going to get? The real me? The new me? The new me is a quiet, self-contained man who shadows his feelings and thoughts from the rest of the world. No one knows who I am.

"Are you almost ready to order honey?" That same waitress was standing beside their table, bouncing her hip and chewing a stick of bubble gum.

Hawkeye looked up to see his friend staring at him. "Oh…..uh, yeah sure. Turkey on white and cup of coffee."

"I'll have a burger," Trapper told her.

"Trapp?"

"Yeah Hawk?" He was still looking at his menu, deciding on a desert. There were five different kinds of pie to choose from.

"I'm not sure I can do this," Hawkeye stated blandly.

Trapper set his menu down, "I don't understand why you're nervous. You know these people, you've known them for years. I'm the one that should be anxious."

Hawkeye smiled, "You know Father Mulcahy, Klinger, and Radar. And you can't tell me you don't remember Margaret."

Trapper laughed, "But what about that Hunnicutt fellow and Winchester? I never met them or that Colonel Potter. Besides, Margaret never liked me."

"Sure….." Hawkeye mumbled under his breath.

"What was that Hawk?" Trapper hadn't heard him.

"Sure you do. And besides, I'm sure you'll all hit it off right away. BJ was the one who contacted you didn't he?"

"Yes but….."

"See, there you go. He didn't call me."

"That's because you haven't been home and your father had the phone disconnected," Trapper said in a matter of fact tone.

"True," Hawkeye knew he had been defeated.

I first reunited with Trapper about three months after I returned home from the war. Against all my emotions to see him, I was still mad at him for abandoning me. He left me in the middle of all that insanity with not so much as a goodbye or so long. Trapper never even called me once he was home or sent me a damn letter. I was mad at him when he left, and I was mad at him when I saw him again, but I didn't have a choice either way, I was only half-conscious at the time.

He told me BJ Hunnicutt had called him and invited him to a 4077th reunion. Everyone had been questioning about me, asking where I had disappeared to. To be honest, I haven't talked to one person since we all said goodbye. When Trapper told him that he'd seen me, and knew where I was, BJ was ecstatic and begged him to drag me along. It's not like it was difficult, I didn't have anywhere else to go.

We could have flown, but I wouldn't have it. I can't stand flying, not after what happened. So Trapp agreed we could drive, it's not like I gave him much of a choice. Personally I don't see why I have to go, I'm not even sure I should be there. It's not really my place you know. As time went on I got left behind. They moved on without me while I was locked away in that padded stall, it's been lately that I've come to the conclusion that perhaps the caravan started moving long before I realized it.

They were my friends and they cared about me, I know they did. We all fought and said terrible things; we pointed out every imperfection and every little thing that drove the others mad. I don't doubt they didn't at least feel something in my most maddening and stupid moments, but if something was there, it wasn't really big.

"Well this isn't half bad," Trapper smiled happily as he took another bite of his burger. Hawkeye looked across the table at him with little enthusiasm. "I know it doesn't look like the best joint," he gestured to their surroundings, "But the food is pretty good." Hawkeye wasn't sure whether to be disgusted or jealous at Trappers simplicity and happiness. He could be so naive sometimes. Hawkeye was leaned back in his chair, his chin resting in the palm of his hand; he didn't look very interested. "Didn't you think so?"

Hawkeye was looking at him. "It's not bad."

"It's not bad!" Trapper said in mock outrage, "This is fine dining compared to what we ate in Korea!"

Hawkeye still wasn't interested. "I ate that cooking for three years. You only had to eat it for little more than one."

"Are you saying you liked it?" Trapper had his hands on the table, he was looking at Hawk like he was crazy.

With a disgusted look Hawkeye replied, "Hell no. It was absolutely horrible."

"Then what?"

"I think I lost my appetite permanently. Cooking doesn't matter as much to me as it did in Korea."

Trapper gawked at his friend, "But look at you!" He pointed a finger at Hawkeye. "You've filled out a lot since the last time we've seen each other. What do you mean you haven't been eating?"

"I never said I wasn't," Hawkeye contradicted. "I eat when I'm hungry. I don't eat for pleasure."

"Ah," Trapper smiled coyly at his friend. "Getting that some place else huh?" He chuckled to himself.

"No, nothing like that," Hawkeye gave him one of those looks.

"Then what is it? You look different."

"You mean besides seeing me out of olive green drab?" Hawkeye pointed to his black T-shirt.

"I don't know. That is different I'd say though. I've never seen you in jeans and a leather jacket before."

"We were in a war, not a fashion show."

"I know, but…..I don't know, it's just different. Even your hair is different."

"Speaking of which," Hawkeye took off his baseball cap and ran his fingers through his black hair, "I was thinking of growing it out."

"Again….." Trapper jested.

"Yes again," he held a piece of hair between his fingers. "What do you think they'd say if I showed up with a shaved head?"

"Let's give them only a few surprises at a time. They're probably going to keel over from the rest just as well." Trapper told him. "Besides, I don't think you'd look too good bald."

Hawkeye smirked, "You're right. I shouldn't push it."

"Ha, ha," Trapper laughed, "They're not going to believe it's you."

"If only I were that lucky."

"Hawk…..I've told you. They love you; they want you there. I could tell it in the way Hunnicutt asked about you." Under normal circumstances Trapper would have been worried about Hawkeye's insecurities and withdraws, but from the bits and pieces he had placed together, he understood why Hawkeye was acting the way he did.

"Yeah, so you keep telling me," he was still sounding rather depressed.

"Ah…..Hawk! Knock it off already!" Trapper tried to cheer him up, he stood up and pulled out his wallet. "Come on, let's get out of here." He set a couple bucks on the table. Hawkeye stood up and followed his friend out of the diner. His hands were stuffed into the pockets of his jacket and his cap was pulled down to cover his eyes.

"Are you going to drive or do you want me to?" Hawkeye asked as the walked over to the car.

"I drove for the last four hours. It's your turn, I'm dead tired. I'm going to sleep." Trapper walked over to the passenger side and got in. Hawkeye stood behind the car for a moment before proceeding over and opening the driver's door.

"You're just lucky I'm not tired," he said as he took off his jacket and cap and threw them into the back seat.

"Hey pal, you're the one that didn't want to fly," Trapper reminded as he situated himself into a sleeping position and closed his eyes.

"Yes, I know." He sat down and shut the door. "Keys?" He held out his hand. Trapper placed them in his hand without opening his eyes. "Thank you." Hawkeye turned the ignition and revved the engine.

Sick people don't generally realize they're sick until after it's too late. It took me that long to recognize what was happening to me. Now that I think about, I don't think that one incident on the bus was the entire cause of my break down, I mean, it was the greatest, but not the only contributor. There were other things that were wearing on me. The endless shifts in the OR, the stress from work and lack of sleep, the ravages of war.

By the time peace was officially in the air, I was down to my wits end. Was anyone else feeling what I was? Of course not, I was the only one who fit into that category. I was there the longest, I witnessed more casualties, I sat through the most sessions. It's true, Father Mulcahy and Margaret were there for just as long, and Klinger came in at a close second, but they still didn't compare to what I went through.

Margaret would leave for weeks at a time to waltz with brass through Tokyo or Seoul. I'm sure if you add up all her days of R&R it would equal up to nearly six months. I knew what she was up to, every man she could get her hands on. Besides, how can you compare a nurse to a surgeon? I stood there day after day with my elbows deep in kids; I was the one controlling life and death, not her.

Father Mulcahy was a good man; there's not one bad thing about him. His work was important; there's no denying that. But it still wasn't the same. Every time a patient slipped through my grasp, I felt like the lowest person in the world. I wanted to scream and cry and bury myself in the deepest hole I could find. It hurt so bad to gaze upon that young man and know that he was never going to see his family again, that his life was over, and it was my fault. The good Father didn't feel that exactly how I did. I don't doubt he felt remorse for the dead, the dread of war, but his pain and mine couldn't be compared.

I wake up night after night in cold sweats with my heart pounding in my ears. Every time I close my eyes I see the destruction, the pain, the terror. They're about the war mostly, as well as other experiences. The war ones aren't as strong now, now it's something else. Something just as terrifying and real to me as Korea was.

Sometimes they're not scary and heart wrenching, sometimes they just hurt. I've had dreams involving friends, my very close friends. Someone is killed or turns on me, and that hurts even more. I had a dream once, a horrible dream, where I walked into the Swamp to find Margaret and BJ in bed, clothes scattered all over the floor. I didn't sleep for a week afterwards.

I know what you're really thinking, I'm paranoid. I don't know why I constantly think about it. That she and Beej could have been having an affair behind the backs of the entire camp. I used to watch the way she carried herself around him, like I did with every man she was with. It doesn't take a genius to realize I had problem, or rather that I still do. Every man, every single man she's shaken hands with I've been envious of secretly.

One great of example of this is, that I mentioned before, was BJ. I don't think I openly allowed myself to think about it consciously, but I believe it was always lingering in the back of my mind. He was a nice guy, a really nice guy. I couldn't blame her if she did, she'd been hurt so many times in the past, she deserved someone nice. It was never going to BJ, I never thought that at all, but I always believed in a mutual attraction. She surely wasn't interested in me.

She sat with Charles during meals and stood beside him whenever there was a reason to stand. It was BJ she laughed with, and it was him she confided in when she needed to talk. Colonel Potter was her comfort zone, a fatherly figure, and Klinger got her everything she desired. What did she need with me? As the war moved on so did any hope we had together. I tried to move closer, but something held me back. Perhaps it was the notion I wasn't desired in return. Maybe that's what dashed my hopes.

Hawkeye's eyes were fixed on the dashing white line as he drove. Beside him Trapper was slumbering happily in his seat with a pillow propped behind his head. The sky was dark and they were the only car on the road. He wasn't sure where they were exactly, but it was somewhere in Utah. So far Hawkeye had decided that he wasn't fond of this state, it was bland and depressing to the eye.

In a few hours they would be nearing the Nevada-Utah boarder, only one more state until they reached California. Hawkeye was glad they were almost there, it had been a long week of driving through the night. He was excited about sleeping and not having to worry about making time. Yet on the other hand, he was dreading the thought of seeing everyone again. He'd fallen out of touch with all of them over the past year, and he didn't want explain why.

After another two hours they were running low on gas, so Hawkeye pulled into an all night gas station. He turned off the engine, opened the door, and climbed out. Somewhat frazzled, he leaned against the car for a moment as he collected himself. After a couple minutes he stood up and walked around to the other side of the car. Hawkeye opened the door to the gas tank, connected the hose, and started the pump. He let the tank fill on its own as he looked around.

The gas station was small and very quaint. It was indeed what one would call a 'fixer upper'. It needed a good paint job and new sign. Hawkeye pulled a cigarette out of his back pocket and proceeded to light it as he waited. He'd never intentionally picked up smoking, it was just a long forming habit. With the stress and lack of alcohol, he had to turn to something.

"I thought you were going to quit?" A low voice suddenly broke the solitude of the night air. Hawkeye didn't look up, instead he turned his back to him and looked into the distance.

"I am," he said simply as he blew the smoke into the wind.

"I like your method," Trapper's voice was playing.

"Are you worried what they'll think?" Hawkeye turned his head and looked at him. He had his hands shoved into his back pockets.

"Are you?"

"This is my last one, don't worry." Hawkeye turned his gaze back to the sky.

"I'm not worried." Trapper walked over to the pump and finished off the tank. He hung the pump up and shut the tank door. "Smoking isn't a sin you know. There's nothing wrong with it. Besides, they've seen you smoke before. They've smoked them selves at some time or another."

"Yeah, I know. It's just not the thing 'Hawkeye' did. I don't plan on lighting up the whole time we're there." He threw his cigarette on the ground and stepped on it. "At least not while I'm around any of them. I don't need any more grief than what I already know is coming."

"There's nothing embarrassing about it Hawk. You're going through a rough time. You were in a bad accident. That was a terrible, terrible, thing that happened to you. I don't blame you one bit," Trapper told him. He felt bad for his friend.

Hawkeye looked at the other man; he was leaning against the car again and watching him with an intense look. "Whose turn is it to pay for the gas?" He changed the subject. Hawkeye pulled out his wallet.

"Yours I believe." Trapper said simply.

"Fine." Hawkeye turned around and walked into the small gas station. He paid the bill and then walked back outside. "It's your turn to drive. I'm exhausted." He tossed Trapper the keys.

Hawkeye opened the rickety old door and walked into the mess tent. It was just as dingy and foul smelling as it always was. He stood in line for chow, holding the steal tray in his hands. Igor slapped a scoop of mush onto his plate and handed him a stale roll. Hawkeye felt it in his hand; it was harder than rock. Silently he filled his mug with coffee and looked around the tent in search of a seat. Every spot was taken; it was a packed house.

He spotted an open seat at the end of a bench on the other side of the room. Swiftly he moved across the tent, hoping to beat anyone else who had seen it. Hawkeye sat down beside a group of corpsmen who were talking quietly among them selves. At the other end of the table he could see Margaret and Charles eating dinner.

Hawkeye took a bite of his mashed beans as he watched them closely. Margaret was sitting on one side of the table and Charles was on the other. Charles was grinning widely at something, but Hawkeye hadn't a clue over what. They were sitting with their heads close together, whispering in low voices.

They weren't eating, which Hawkeye thought was weird, but just talking and smiling. Hawkeye watched as Charles's hand enclosed over Margaret's. He watched as he brought his head down to hers and whispered something into her ear. Margaret smiled and laughed lightly as Charles continued to speak.

Charles moved back, just enough to look into her sparkling blue eyes. Slowly he moved his head again, this time towards her mouth, and kissed her gently on the lips. Hawkeye's eyes went wide as he continued to watch the two majors kiss. He dropped his fork onto the table and starred with disbelief.

Hawkeye thought he was having a stroke. This was unreal, Margaret kissing that jackass right in the middle of the mess tent. He didn't know what was happening, his fists were clenched tightly and it was becoming harder to breathe. Suddenly he was on his feet, walking quickly towards them. Hawkeye reached out to touch Charles's shoulder…..

"Wahoo!" Trapper's voice ran out loudly. Suddenly Hawkeye's eyes flew open. He sat up and looked around. It was daylight and they were driving through the desert. Trapper looked at him, "You okay? You seemed to be a little restless."

"Where are we?" Hawkeye asked groggily. Blindly he looked for his sunglasses, the sun was bright.

"California!" Trapper announced happily.

"Already?" Hawkeye found them and put them on.

"Yes sleeping beauty. You were out for over five hours."

"Five hours?" He stretched. "It doesn't feel like it."

"Look at the clock, it's already eight."

Hawkeye looked the clock, it was indeed eight O'clock. "How far to San Francisco?" He took off his hat and stuck his head out the already open window. The wind felt good as it blew over his face and through his hair.

"I'd say about three to four hours," Trapper responded. "And about a half hour after that to the Hunnicutt's house."

"Ahh….." Hawkeye groaned. "I'm too tired to see them today. Can't we just take a detour?"

"Sorry Hawk. I told BJ Hunnicutt I'd call him when we got to the city. And I told him that would today around noon."

Hawkeye looked at the other man with distaste, "You know something, you two have never met, yet you talk like you've been friends for years."

"Oh we do not. Is it my fault I have to act like your answering service?" Trapper told him back. He looked the road again as he drove.

"My answering service? You're the one that dragged me on this road trip!" He yelled.

"You know something? I don't get you. I don't get you at all. What are you so afraid of?" Trapper asked as he continued to drive.

Hawkeye sank into his seat as he watched the landscape pass by. How could he tell Trapper what he was feeling? He would never understand his paranoia, especially since he was apart of the problem. "I don't know," he finally breathed.

"Well there's something bothering you. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

Hawkeye looked at his friend, he was just trying to help. "No. I'll be fine," he told him softly. "I just have a lot I need to sort out." Hawkeye let out delayed breath and closed his eyes again. Trapper looked at him; maybe it would be best just to let him be.

They sat in silence for a while, watching as the barren Californian desert passed outside their open windows. Finally Trapper said, "BJ said there were going to be a lot of people from the 4077th there."

"Oh yeah?" His tone was slightly more curious, yet never turned his head to look at Trapper.

"He said that Colonel Potter and his wife Millie are going to be there."

"Mildred." Hawkeye corrected him.

Trapper hadn't caught his mistake, "Huh?"

"Her name is Mildred, not Millie," he told him flatly. Hawkeye looked at the other man.

"I'm sorry, Mildred." He prolonged her name, emphasizing the 'ed' on the end. "He also said Father Mulcahy was going to the be there as well as the Klingers….."

"Klinger came home?" Hawkeye interrupted. "Did he say whether they found her family or not?" Hawkeye had really hoped they would, something good needed to come from the war.

"He didn't say."

"Oh." Now he'd have to wait until they got there. Great, one thing to look forward to. "Who else?"

"A couple nurses," he grinned.

Trapper wasn't very informative. He was over sexed. "Anyone else?"

"Yeah. Charles Winchester, the O'Reillys, you and me," he looked at Hawkeye, hoping he'd catch the joke. Hawkeye noticed and looked him with a raised eyebrow. "He also said Margaret Houlihan was going to be there."

Hawkeye felt his heart start to pound faster. He wasn't sure how he felt about seeing her again. Of course he wanted to see her, at least he thought he did, maybe he did.

"I'm not sure about Frank Burns," Trapper went on. He would never guess Hawkeye had feelings for Margaret, he'd never seen them act civil to one another.

"God I hope not. Could you imagine what he'd be like? He'd be impossible!" Hawkeye complained.

"Ah yes, Senator Burns of Indiana. He'd just love to rub that in our faces. I still don't believe it."

"I nearly died when I found out," Hawkeye said in disgust. Frank Burns had talked about going into politics once in Korea, but Hawk had never thought about taking him seriously. When Frank was elected Senator, Hawkeye had been chatting with a friend in the local hardware store back home. The next thing he knew he was lying on the floor with his father standing over him. Someone thought to call the doctor when his son fainted.

"I know. Louise didn't understand why I was standing in the living room, yelling and swearing. She was really scared of me for a while, afraid I'd lost my mind."

"What's so scary about that?"

"I did it nonstop for two days," Trapper laughed. Hawkeye laughed with him. Least to say, they were both shocked at the news. Together the two men laughed for a couple more minutes. It was acting as more of a stress reliever than anything else. When they were through, Hawkeye felt better, almost as if a small weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Laughter had always made him feel better, that's why it was constantly there during the war.

We're getting really close now; I can feel the anticipation in my stomach. There are going to be lots of questions, I just know there are. They're going to want to know what happened to me and where I've been. I'd rather not tell everyone my deepest fears and the struggle I've had this past year. It's felt more like ten than one. Everyone's changed, we've learned to get along without the others.

I don't know why I'm scared. Maybe I'm scared of rejection and that I won't belong. That's silly, you don't have to tell me, to be afraid of my best friends, and yet I am. When I came back from the mental institution, there seemed to be something different between me and everyone else. They seemed to scared of me or something, almost as if I was going to hurt them. I would never hurt any of them, not on my life.

Margaret was somewhat clingy to me at that time, which I never understood rather than enjoyed. She confused me a great deal; either wanting to know where I was at all times or too frightened to touch me. Now I don't know how she'll act when she sees me again.

Hawkeye stood by the car as drank a Coke and waited as Trapper called the Hunnicutt residence. "Hello BJ?…… Peg?….. I'm sorry, this is John McIntyre…...yes we're very close…..good…...yes very much…..uh huh……yes ma'am…..no ma'am…..oh I'd say in about an hour…..yes……I'm not sure…...I believe so…..which road was that again?" This went on for several minutes, all of which Hawkeye found very amusing. It seemed as if Peg Hunnicutt were giving Trapper the run around. "Yes…..I got that. It's on the beach right?…..Who's all going to be there today?……Oh really?…..Dinner?…..No, I'm not sure. Anything is fine. Should we wear something nice?….."

Trapper then turned his head and looked at Hawkeye. He was sitting on the hood of the car holding his bottle of Coke. Trapper looked him up and down, he was wearing his faded blue jeans and a black T-shirt. On his head he was wearing a tattered old baseball cap and black sunglasses. They both pretty much looked like that, needing a shave badly and in desperate need of a shower. "Do you think we'd have a chance to wash up first?" He asked Peg. Trapper finished his phone call and hung up the phone. He then turned to his friend, "She said to take our time. Not everyone has arrived from the airport yet and they still have to go pick up the rest." Trapper said as he tossed Hawkeye the keys.

"Well they don't actually live in Mill Valley anymore you know." Hawkeye walked around the car and got in on the driver's side. "They bought a house outside of town on the beach."

"I remember. You've told me before." Trapper got in beside him. Hawkeye started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. They got onto the highway and made their way into San Francisco. "Isn't that the hospital BJ works at?" Trapper turned in his seat as they passed a large building.

Hawkeye adverted his eyes to look at the building. "How am I supposed to know? You're the one that's been talking with him, not me."

"Look! I think you can see the Golden Gate from here!" Trapper turned again and pointed across the water. He stuck his head out the car window to get a better look. Hawkeye saw it as well, to him it was another reminder they were getting closer.

Hawkeye picked up the map and threw it at Trapper's back. "Here, make yourself useful. I can't read and drive at the same time in this traffic." Trapper pulled his torso back into the car and sat back in his seat. He picked up the map and opened it up.

"You need to get off at this next exit," Trapper told him.

Hawkeye sat in awe as they entered the small suburb of Mill Valley. It was just as BJ had described so many times in Korea, not too big and not too small. It wasn't anything to compare to Crabapple Cove, but it was quaint. Hawkeye's hometown was a small fishing village, not a flashy, picturesque, San Franciscan suburb.

They drove for another few minutes through the town and out onto a secluded road. After five minutes they came along the pacific cost line. "Which road are we looking for?" Hawkeye asked as the drove along the beach.

"Um….." Trapper flipped through his wallet for a small slip of paper with the address. "Here it is," he announced when he found it. "7854 Octavia Road. It's a private road. Peg said to be careful, the sign is overgrown and can be tricky to see."

"There's a fork up here," Hawkeye pointed out. "Do I take Vallejo Road or Serra Boulevard?"

"Vallejo Road," Trapper said as he read the instructions.

"Okay right, so we're looking for Octavia Lane," he told himself as he began to watch for signs. "Parrott Alley…..Peralta Road….. Portola Drive," Hawkeye read as the passed several small roads.

"Here's another one coming up," Trapper said as he tried to read the small sign, "Valencia Street. That sounds familiar, I think we're getting close."

"Oh wait!" Hawkeye suddenly said, "I think this is it….." He angled his head to get a better look around a large bush. "It is," he said flatly. They turned onto a small gravel road and drove a ways in the brush. After driving about a quarter of a mile, they came to a large white house. Hawkeye stopped the car before they reached the large driveway.

"Finally," Trapper breathed as he relaxed into his seat. "I was beginning to think we'd never get here."

Hawkeye didn't say anything; instead he admired the Hunnicutt's home. It was a fairly good-sized house with a porch extending from both levels and a swing on the first level. In some ways it reminded Hawkeye of his home back in Maine, except his father's house was made of stone and twice as large, the way most homes were built in Crabapple Cove, but it the serenity with the woods and the beach in the background reminded him of home.

I've been surprising feelings and anxieties for a year now; this is the end of the line. We drove for over a week, never once stopping to sleep. The sleep I did get was tainted, so I'm not sure I how much I can count that. It's nothing though; I've had surges that lasted longer. Trapper's pulling me from the car and to my feet. For the first time I notice there's only one car in the driveway, shouldn't there be more? He's almost pulling me along now, as if he's holding my hand like I'm a little boy. I pull against him and force him to let go. Again we begin to walk towards the front door.

Images keep flashing through my mind; Margaret kissing Frank, Margaret kissing Donald, Margaret kissing Charles, all of which happened. They might not have known it, but I saw when she kissed him in the mess tent in front of everybody. My blood boils whenever I think about that.

"Hawk, come on. Stop dillydallying." Trapper said as he pushed Hawkeye forward.

"Doesn't something look odd to you?" Hawkeye planted his feet again. "There are no cars here." He pointed to the empty driveway. "No one's here, we should leave."

"No Hawkeye, someone has to be here. They know we're coming." He gave his friend a shove in the back. Hawkeye stumbled forward. "Peg told me they'd be there. Mostly everyone is flying in remember?"

Hawkeye knew he was right, he just didn't want to listen. "Yeah."

"Come on, knock on the door." Hawkeye looked up to see they were indeed standing on the front porch. He raised his hand to knock on the door when…..

"Hawk?" A new voice boomed in front of him. Two arms wrapped around him and pulled him into a giant bear hug. He was being squeezed tightly, so tight he was having trouble breathing. Hawkeye patted the new person on the back and was released just enough to look him in the face.

"I can't believe you're here," BJ smiled widely at him. He had been looking forward to his best friend coming for some time. The whole week had been eagerly pacing through the house. "You have no idea how great it is to see you."

Hawkeye smiled uncomfortably at his old friend, "You're looking good BJ," lightly. "I see Peg made you shave off that ridiculous mustache."

"First night I was back," he laughed and patted Hawk on the back. "And you must be Trapper," BJ suddenly released Hawkeye and reached past him to shake Trapper's hand.

"It's nice to finally put a face to the voice," Trapper said as he shook BJ's hand in return.

"Like wise. I feel I know you already, all our phone calls and all," BJ grinned. He elbowed Hawkeye in the ribs, "And not to mention what he told me in Korea."

"Yes I know. I was able to fish a few things out of him myself," Trapper looked at Hawkeye who was rubbing his side. He was staring at the two men, looking somewhat bewildered at what was going on.

"Did you guys have a nice drive?" BJ asked them, looking from Hawkeye and back to Trapper.

"Oh it was fine," Trapper answered before Hawkeye could. "I've had worse road trips."

BJ laughed at that, "Apparently so, to drive from Boston to California in one week is pretty impressive."

"Beej," Hawkeye suddenly cut in. "Where is everyone? It's pretty quiet around here." Only the sound of the waves washing upon the beach could be heard in the background.

"Well," BJ put a hand into his pants pocket; "Peg went to pick up Charles, Margaret, and the Potters." He told them. Hawkeye's chest tightened when he heard Margaret's name.

Trapper looked at him, "Can you fit all those people into one car?"

BJ smiled proudly, "We recently bought one of those new Station Wagons, they can hold a lot of people."

"So I've heard," Trapper told him. "Louise and I were thinking of buying one."

"Where are Louise and the kids by the way?"

"At her parent's house. It's their 50th wedding anniversary."

"Wow," BJ exclaimed. "What about you? Didn't they want you there as well?"

"Her parents don't like me too much," he admitted.

"Ah, I see," BJ said with a grin.

"Yeah, so no one minded that I came here instead. I'm just sorry you all couldn't meet the girls," Trapper said somewhat sadly. He really wanted to show off his daughters.

"Well, we'll have to have another get-together in Boston next time. Keep things interesting," BJ smiled.

"Sounds great," Trapper smiled back. The only who wasn't smiling however, was Hawkeye. He felt weird standing between them as they carried on the conversation. So he decided to move things along.

"So you only said a few people were coming back with Peg, what about the others?"

"The O'Reillys and the Klingers will be flying in later tonight. Their flights don't land until seven O'clock and a quarter after. The others are arriving tomorrow."

"How far is it from the airport?" Hawkeye asked him.

"San Francisco." BJ said quickly. "Peg should be back any moment. I thought it was them when you pulled up." BJ looked at Hawkeye strangely; suddenly he enveloped Hawkeye into another smothering hug. "It's so great to see you Hawk, I've really missed you." Hawkeye was a little taken back, he wasn't expecting that.

"Yeah, me too." Hawkeye said passively. "So, how's home life treating you?"

"It's great," he smiled widely again. "I love it. Nothing's ever been so wonderful. Peg has been really supportive and Erin, well Erin is just the best thing to ever happen to me."

Hawkeye grinned, "I'm glad. How is that going, with Erin I mean?"

"It was a little tough in the beginning, she didn't remember me. I'd say she warmed up to me about a week after I was home. Now she won't go anywhere with out me." All three men smiled warmly.

"So when do we get to see the little beauty?" Hawkeye asked eagerly. He'd heard about her for two years and was excited about finally meeting her.

"She's sleeping right now. I just set her down for her afternoon nap. She should be awake in about two hours."

"That's fine. As long as I get to see her before we leave."

"Don't worry. I wouldn't allow you to leave otherwise."

The three men stood there for a while, talking and laughing. Hawkeye was starting to finally loosen up. Trapper was talking mid sentence when BJ interrupted him. "They're here," he said as he pushed passed them eagerly. Hawkeye and Trapper turned around to see a tan Station Wagon pull into the driveway. The engine turned off and the driver's side door opened up. A fairly tall, blonde woman emerged from the car, automatically Hawkeye knew who that was, he'd seen tons of pictures.

BJ walked over and kissed Peg before opening the back door and helping another person from the car. Hawkeye and Trapper stood where they were, watching as the car emptied. An elderly woman took BJ's hand and stepped out, Hawkeye knew her too, that was Mildred Potter. Followed behind her was the inevitable (former) Colonel Potter, he looked just as he had when Hawkeye said goodbye to him.

Colonel Potter gave BJ a warm hug before each introduced their wives. Mildred gave BJ a kiss on the cheek and Peg gave the old man a big hug. During all this, Charles Emerson Winchester got out behind them. Hawkeye watched as he stretched and then extended his hand to the last person…..

I always told myself that there was something wrong with me, that was my reasoning for her never liking me. Sometimes I believed there was something wrong with her, for dating all those other men and always side looking the one person who would treat her the way she deserved. I don't care about that now, all that got left in Korea, or so I like to think. BJ tried to call me, I know that, but no one else did, not even her.

I'm having to plant my feet firmly to the ground to keep from running away. The whole gang isn't here yet, but all I want to do is hide. Isn't that terrible, wanting to hide from your friends? I remember when I told Margaret how I would never want to be a turtle in any life, that I'd be too afraid to hide in my own shell. The funny thing is though, now I'm too afraid to come out.

Margaret Houlihan gracefully stepped out of the car and onto the pavement beside the others. She let out a small cry when she saw BJ and automatically flew into his arms. The others watched as the two friends hugged each other tightly, then parting momentarily to gaze upon the other's face. BJ laughed again and then pulled her back into a tight embrace. When they let go, Charles and BJ shook hands as Margaret hugged her commanding officer for the first time. Hawkeye wasn't sure, they were standing too far away, but he thought she was crying.

Sentiments and greeting were exchanged in soft, tearful voices. Hawkeye and Trapper stood where they were, watching the scene before them. "Do you think they even know we're here?" Trapper leaned over and whispered into Hawkeye's ear. Hawkeye shrugged in response, he was watching the reunion too closely to pay attention.

"Why don't Charles and I collect the bags while Peg shows you the house, I'm sure you're exhausted from your flights," BJ's voice became suddenly loud. The others agreed and turned to follow Peg to the house, that was when they saw the two men standing by the porch.

Margaret's eyes darted between the two men's faces, not really believing what she was seeing. She was shocked to see Trapper, it had been three years since she had seen him last. BJ had told her he was going to be there, she didn't know why she was surprised.

Her eyes locked suddenly on Hawkeye, as if she hadn't seen him in fifty years. No one had said anything about him being there, no one even knew where he was. He caught her gaze and they stared at one another just as they had before their kiss in Korea.

"Pierce! Son is that really you!" The Colonel asked excitedly, interrupting their thoughts. "Well I'll be," he started. "I thought maybe you had fallen off the face of the Earth!" He gave Hawkeye a big hug, catching him off guard.

Hawkeye laughed uneasily, "Something like that you could say."

"I'm glad you came," he told him warmly and gripped his shoulder "I promised Mildred she'd get to meet you one day."

"Thank you Colonel."

Turning his attention to Trapper the Colonel asked, "And who is this?"

Extending his hand Trapper introduced himself. "John McIntyre, pleased to meet you."

"As in Trapper McIntyre?" He asked shaking his hand.

"That would be me."

Potter laughed, shaking his hand with more enthusiasm. "Ha! I've heard a lot about you son."

"Hopefully not everything," Trapper smiled.

Potter turned and put his arm around a very attractive, older woman. "I'd like you both to meet my wife Mildred," Sherman introduced her. Gesturing to each of them he said, "Mildred, this is Hawkeye Pierce and John McIntyre."

"It's a pleasure to meet you both," she shook their hands. "I've heard so much about you."

Hawkeye blushed slightly, "You shouldn't believe everything you hear."

Mildred smiled warmly at him, Sherman had told her about his ordeal. She felt sorry for him, it was clear he was still a little shaken up. "Nonsense," she reassured him. He'd be embarrassed and frankly a little upset if he knew what Sherman had said. "I'm just so happy I finally get to meet you."

"So am I," He smiled at her. Mildred could see he was still a little hesitant, she could understand why he was uncomfortable. Without much warning she pulled Hawkeye into a warm embrace, she thought he looked like he needed a hug. Hawkeye hugged her back graciously, she had read his mind.

"Margaret Houlihan….." Trapper smiled as he walked over to her while all this was taking place. "You haven't changed a bit."

"It's been a long time Trapper," she welcomed him into a hug. "It's been a long time."

"Don't I know it. Almost three years." When they pulled away he looked her up and down. "You're just as beautiful as you were back then, if not more." Margaret blushed slightly.

"Are you trying to get on my good side?" She questioned him curiously, yet still playing along.

"Is it working?" He asked hopefully.

"Yes," she smiled as they hugged again. They hadn't gotten along during the war, but in actuality he wasn't a bad guy. There was no reason why they couldn't be friends now.

"And I believe you know my friend here." Hawkeye was standing behind him listening to passively to the Potters. Trapper turned around and put his hand on his shoulder. Hawkeye turned to see who was beckoning to him, expecting to find Charles or BJ, but stopped when he noticed Margaret's cool, blue eyes staring directly at him. Their eyes locked, yet neither said a word.

They stood there for a moment staring at one another until finally Margaret said, "Yes I do, very well," she smiled weakly at Hawkeye, now having forgotten Trapper. Her sole focus was on the man standing right in front of her.


	2. Chapter Two

If you've ever seen a shooting star, then you know you have to look quick. You have to be prepared for what's coming, meaning searching the sky and never taking your eyes off it. But if you aren't watching closely, just taking quick glances, then you're sure not to catch it in time. Before you know it, it's gone in the blink of an eye, and you've just missed out on a spectacular sight.

**I wasn't paying attention and I missed my miracle. It's as plain as that. My arms and legs felt heavy, my chest tightened, and my head was spinning. It felt like someone had placed a weight on my chest, making it extremely difficult to breathe. I didn't move, I didn't speak, I just stood there. **

**Margaret stepped forward despite my blank expression and put her arms around my back. Her hands moved to my shoulder blades as her body moved in against mine. I could feel every muscle grow ridged and taught as she pulled me closer into her embrace. She patted my back lightly and then pulled away, the same tender, yet conscious smile spread across her face.**

**I could tell she was uncomfortable, her body language and shifting eyes told me that. Everyone was staring at us, what where they expecting, another suffocating kiss like in Korea? **

**Yes, I'm sure they did. But that was something neither one of us were prepared for. When we said goodbye we both thought it was forever. I'm sure she wasn't expecting to see me again so soon.**

**I'd always pictured Margaret avoiding me when we met for the first time back home. Not wanting to acknowledge that she had been associated to a lunatic. When the time came that we couldn't avoid one another any longer, she'd give me a weak, almost shy smile, and pat my back timidly. **

**And then there was my alternate fantasy, which included her throwing herself into my arms and kissing me passionately, telling me she couldn't live another day without my love. **

**It turns out that our meeting didn't quite follow either of my ideals. I could tell she was feeling shy and uncomfortable as she hugged me. It was stronger then I thought it would be, but not by much. I knew she wanted more, but at the same time she was also terrified. **

**Margaret smiled at me again, her soft lips curving into a graceful pose. Her eyes however, had closed down to mine. They still sparkled as much as they ever had, but she was refusing to let my gaze reach past her hard exterior. She didn't want me to touch any further. Margaret had gotten over me so it seemed, if you could call us having had something. **

**She detached from me completely and turned as our hosts began to walk back to the house. Margaret didn't look back at me; she picked up her bags and followed the others. I stood behind, watching as she mingled in between the Potters and Charles. Charles looked down at her, saying something that I could not hear. The Potters laughed, and for the first time, I saw a real smile spread across her face. **

Hawkeye looked around the vast living room. It reminded him of the one in his father's home. His parents used to roll back the rug on Friday nights and turn up the record player. It was then that he and his father would take turns dancing with his mother. Hawkeye smiled at the memories of his father and mother dancing happily together while he idly watched from the sofa.

Around him he could hear the familiar sounds of his old friends as they slept on. It reminded him of the Swamp, with Charles snoring and BJ muttering in his sleep. They'd had some good times, but not enough to counter against the bad.

The Hunnicutts had a spacious house, but not enough beds for all their guests. The men wanted to sleep in the same room where they could talk and laugh about old times. They ended up in the living room while the women invaded the upstairs.

Hawkeye ended up perched on the couch. Around him Charles, Radar, Sherman, BJ, Father Mulcahy, and Trapper slept peacefully on the floor. They'd planned on staying up the whole night reminiscing, but their plan fell short and everyone was asleep by midnight. Hawkeye wasn't tired; he didn't sleep anymore.

He sat silently on the arm of the sofa, looking out through the plated glass doors of the Hunnicutt's back porch. The full moon was radiating rays of light onto the ocean below, allowing Hawkeye to watch as the waves rushed against the shore.

There was something in him that made him want to go outside and walk along the surf. Back home he usually sat on the rocks and watched as the ocean lapped up and onto the beach. The water was too cold to go swimming in at two in the morning in Maine, but in California, it would be just right.

**I remember when I six and my mother was still alive. Every few weeks we'd drive down to New York and visit her family in the city. I can still smell the sharp sent of spices in my grandmother's apartment and feel the warm hugs that engulfed me. At six years old I remember feeling sheltered and alone as I was looked down upon by looming faces. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, all of which I only knew by face and smell would pinch and prod me. It's ironic now, that I'm taller then all of them. But some things never change; I'm still coddled and kissed as if I were still six years old.**

It's that sort of feeling that I get from being here. I know these people, I've seen them time and time before. They way they look and act is nothing new to me, but I have changed, and they haven't noticed at all. I get the occasional odd glance that tells me I'm being talking about and the familiar plastered smile of approval. If only someone, my mother, were here to hold and comfort me, shield me from their questionable looks and on comings. I suppose this time it's on me, I have to be my own shield.

It had been an evening of rejuvenating old friendships and creating new ones. The men sat at the table, talking quietly as the women helped Peg in the kitchen. She was making a soufflé for supper and a large ham. Hawkeye had been placed at the far edge of the table between Trapper and Mildred Potter.

The four of them were talking about their careers and the lives they'd made for themselves since the war ended. BJ was working at a hospital in San Francisco as chief of thoracic surgery as was Charles at Boston Mercy Hospital in Massachusetts. Trapper had received the position; ironically, that Charles had been sweating over in Korea while Colonel Potter had retired from the Army and started a small civilian practice.

Hawkeye hadn't been included in this conversation, nor had he wanted to be. He hadn't applied for a job at a hospital and didn't want circulating questions. That was until Charles decided to move the subject onto him. "So Pierce, tell me," he started slowly. "What hospital are you working at now? Did you ever consider Portland? Surely there aren't many big positions for you in your neck of the woods." Hawkeye, who had been looking around the dinning room, looked quickly at the four men. They were all looking at him, waiting for a response.

He wasn't sure what to say, Hawkeye wasn't keen on telling them what he'd really been up to. "Um…..well," he started, looking for something to fill their curiosity. "I…..uh…..am not working at a hospital at this time." He took a sip of water.

"Oh?" Charles looked a little bewildered, "Helping your father at home?"

He could work with that. "Yes."

"But Hawk," BJ cut in, he sounded a little disappointed. "What about operating? Surely there isn't much going on in a small town like that….."

"Getting Crabapple cove to say 'Ahh' son?" Colonel Potter asked. He remembered what Hawkeye had said their last night together at dinner, Sherman knew he wouldn't go back to operating.

Hawkeye smiled and looked down at the tablecloth, he had stayed somewhat true to that statement. "There you go," he told everyone.

BJ still held a blank expression on his face. "Don't you miss operating?"

Boy was he being persistent. What was with him and his obsession about surgery? "I'm content at the moment."

The door to the kitchen opened and four women walked into the room carrying an array of foods. "Find something interesting to talk about why we were gone did you?" Mildred Potter asked as she set a steaming pot on the table. She took off her oven mitts and leaned against her chair.

Charles answer her question, "Oh yes, we were just discussing why Pierce has given up operating." He glared at the other man and smiled. Hawkeye knitted his eyebrows and glared at the other man.

"What!" Margaret almost dropped the dish she was carrying.

"Now just settle down folks," Potter hated that everyone was getting excited. "The boy just decided to help is father out. No harm done." Margaret didn't say another word; she set her dish down and then took her seat between Peg and Charles.

As dinner progress so did the mood of the room. Hawkeye talked with Mrs. Potter about growing begonia's and different methods of trimming azalea bushes while Charles found something to talk about with Peg. The others sat in a small huddle laughing about old times in Korea.

When dinner was over and the dishes washed, the group moved into the living room. Hawkeye ended up sitting on the love seat beside BJ while Margaret sat between Trapper and Charles on the sofa. The Potters and Peg each took a chair.

"Ah, sounds like somebody's awake," BJ smiled gleefully when the sound of his daughter's cry filled the air. "I'll be right back," he said as he stood up to get her.

"Oh you should see him," Peg told the others. "When the baby wakes up in the middle of the night, he's already out of bed and down the hall before I have a chance to say anything."

"That's so sweet," Margaret said. "You and her were all he would talk about in Korea. It's so wonderful to see him like this."

"Oh me too!" Peg laughed, "I missed having a man around the house. They're so useful for odd jobs. Getting up with the baby, doing the dishes, cleaning out the gutters," Hawkeye let out a short laugh, "Rubbing my feet, re-caulking the tile in the bathroom." Both women laughed.

There was a noise on the stairs and suddenly BJ was standing in the room with a little girl in his arms. Immediately everyone began with the 'Ooos' and 'Ahs', coddling Erin before she even left her father's arms.

"Everyone," a proud look spread across BJ's face. "I'd like you all to finally meet my daughter Erin."

"Come here sweetie," Mildred held out her arms to the little girl. Erin was a little shy to go into the arms of a total stranger, but after considering Mrs. Potter, she decided it was okay.

After Mildred had her turn, they passed Erin down the line. First to Charles, who was surprisingly affectionate and talked to her, telling her of how her father drove him crazy in Korea. Second was Margaret, who did nothing but play and giggle with the baby. Hawkeye smiled to him self as he watched the two. Margaret was wonderful with children; she'd probably make a terrific mother as well.

Erin was passed to Trapper and then to the other women. Finally after much waiting, Hawkeye got to meet the little girl he'd heard so much about. BJ handed Erin to him and he set her on his lap. For being three years old, she didn't talk much. Hawkeye's cousin Danny, who was two, wouldn't stop talking no matter what they did.

"Daddy, where dolly?" Erin asked her father. "Dolly no here."

"I know sweetie, she's upstairs."

"Dolly….." Erin's lip began to quiver as her voice shook.

"Okay honey, I'll go get your dolly. Be right back." He stood up and made his way upstairs again.

Erin sat still and silent, staring at Hawkeye. He looked back at her, noticing her intense gaze. Margaret's eyes had shut down to his, but Erin's was pulling him in. Hawkeye felt like she was peering right into his soul. He hadn't seen such an honest and simple expression in a long time.

"Isn't she something Hawk?" BJ smiled as he returned with Erin's doll in his hands, he tickled the little girl under her chin before handing it to her. Erin giggled, causing a wide smile to spread across Hawkeye's face.

"She's perfect Beej," he said looking at his friend.

"Isn't she….." BJ tickled her again. Erin put up her hands and tried to stop him, giggling the whole time.

"BJ," Peg's voice was disappointing, "We shouldn't have let her sleep so long. Now she'll never go down tonight."

"She's been sick," BJ said looking at Hawkeye, he was ignoring his wife.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, she's just getting over a little cold."

"I'm sorry honey," Hawkeye told her. Erin looked up at him and smiled.

"Dolly no feel good," told him while rocking the little doll in her arms.

"BJ?" Peg was calling to him. BJ looked up to meet the eyes of his wife.

"Yes dear?"

"It's time for the baby's feeding, if you want I can do it since your friends are here." Peg prepared to stand up.

BJ waved his hand, "Nonsense, I'll do it." He turned to his daughter and carried her into the kitchen.

"She's just darling Peg!" Margaret told the other woman when the pair had gone.

"Thank you," a warm smile came over her face. "I don't know how I would have survived with BJ being away so long without her." Everyone nodded in reply. The room was silent as they sat in their own thoughts.

"Well," BJ walked back into the room with Erin in his arms; he looked at his watch. "It's about that time. We should be getting to the airport. The O'Reilly's, Father Mulcahy, and The Klingers should be landing soon."

"Yes, I believe you're right dear." Peg stood up as well. "We don't have enough room in one car, so we have to go in separate vehicles." She told everyone else. "With the baby and the extra people."

"Oh no, you're not taking this little lady with you are you?" Potter asked. Him and Mildred had grown very fond of Erin.

"Well yes, we couldn't ask you to watch her."

"And why not? We'd love to!" Potter held out his arms. "Come here darling." Erin willing went to the older man. "You kids just get out of here."

"Thank you, it means a lot us," Peg said as BJ helped her on with her coat. "Ready honey?" She asked when she was set.

"Would you have room for one more?" Hawkeye suddenly stood up, he hadn't seen Radar in two years, he was eager to see him.

"Make that two," Margaret stood up as well. Hawkeye looked at her oddly, when did she care about Klinger and Radar.

"Well sure you can," Peg said, "Although you're both going to have to ride with me, BJ has some junk in his car and he promised to drive our next door neighbor to the airport as well."

"I don't mind," Hawkeye said as he picked up his jacket and slipped it on.

"Neither do I," Margaret added.

"Great, shall we go?" Peg asked.

Hawkeye and Margaret followed Peg and BJ out to the driveway and got into separate cars. Peg climbed into the driver's seat of the Station Wagon as Hawkeye opened the passenger door and held it open for Margaret. She turned to look him and gave him a small smile as she climbed in. Hawkeye smiled and then made himself comfortable in the back seat.

BJ pulled out first and Peg followed him. Hawkeye could see what Peg had been talking about…..he only had room for luggage, another man had filled the passenger seat. After driving a ways in silence, she started to get some conversation going. Hawkeye could hear Peg and Margaret chatting about something, but he couldn't make it out. Obviously it wasn't something they wanted him to hear.

Hawkeye was sitting in the way back, he was in his own little world. It was becoming harder and harder to see the night sky as they neared the city. The stars were beginning to fade against the billions lights. Hawkeye wasn't used to that, he hardly ventured into the city anymore. When he was home he preferred to stay on their property or near town.

"So uh…..Mr. Pierce….." Peg Hunnicutt's voice was suddenly ringing out to him.

"It's Hawkeye," he corrected her.

"How was your drive?" Peg asked, getting to the point. "I talked to Trapper when you were just outside of San Francisco, he said it wasn't bad."

"Drove?" Margaret asked, looking from Peg to Hawkeye. "You drove all the way from Maine to California?"

"Boston," he told her. "Boston to San Francisco."

"So I'm assuming it ran fairly smoothly?" Peg cut in as she looked at him through the mirror.

He was watching the scenery pass by. "Yeah..."

Peg turned to Margaret. "He's not very talkative is he?"

**When does good reach the point of being called good enough? I admit I swear and drink, and occasionally speed. I've preformed unnecessary operations and cut into perfectly healthy bodies. I admit sometimes I cheat and yell and scream and carry on, but underneath all that, I'm not such a bad buy. **

**No matter what people may think, I've never forced myself on or taken advantage of a woman. I've never killed a person or made terrorist threats against my country. I don't steal and I rarely scheme.**

**Do I look like the kind of guy who pushes old ladies in front of buses and steals their purses? Am I on a wanted poster at the post office? Are the police searching for me at this very moment? No, the simple answers to all those questions is no.**

**Then why is it that I am constantly feeling like the bad guy? Like I have done something wrong when I clearly haven't. I never used to have those feelings when I first went to Korea. They didn't show when I punched Frank in the jaw or flew Margaret's underwear up the flagpole. The tricks we played on them, the people we saved...**

**You could say that Margaret and I hit it off the first time we met. We were friendly and intrigued by one another. I could feel the chemistry between us and a strong attraction, not just the physical, but the intellectual as well. It wasn't just the thought of getting into **

**bed with her that pulled me along, but her strong personality. **

**Didn't my compassion and understanding mean something? Didn't that night in that abandoned hut prove anything to her? For the first time in a long time, I let my heart guide me. We comforted each other on a physical and emotional level, a place where I felt it was about more than just the sex. **

**I realize I hurt her when I pushed her away. To tell you the truth, I was terrified. She was a married woman who hadn't ever taken one glance towards my way. One moment she's making hungry eyes at Trapper and the next she's feeding me breakfast, what was I supposed to think? As much as she didn't want to be left alone, that's how much I was afraid of ending up alone. **

**I hated it when they used to rag on me and put me down for my sexual habits and escapades. Margaret slept with nearly every officer over the rank of Major, yet some how I was immoral for chasing nurses. Both BJ and Colonel Potter cheated on their wives at some point during their marriages as did everyone else. I think the only person who didn't allow themselves to be persuaded into a wrestling match beneath the sheets was Father Mulcahy. **

How can anyone sit there and judge another person when they're not even fit to speak? People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, and yet they despite it.

Peg was the first one up, as she usually was with her daughter. Together they made their way down stairs and into the living room. The men were spread out all over the floor, many sleeping with blankets covering their faces. The Klingers, O'Reillys, and Father Mulcahy didn't arrive until ten and everyone had stayed up late chatting.

Erin walked cautiously around the sleeping bodies until she found her father. With a great leap she jumped onto his stomach. There was an exasperated breath as the little girl made contact. BJ pushed off the blankets and looked at his daughter. "Good morning sweetie," BJ smiled as he tried to catch his breath. Any lower and she would have elbowed him in the groin. BJ picked Erin up and stood to see his wife smiling. "I should have know this was your doing," he teased.

"Well it already is nine thirty, and Erin just wanted to wake her daddy up," Peg told him as he walked over to her. "She caught you by surprise did she?"

"Very. At first I thought maybe Colonel Potter had moved his head, perhaps his pillow wasn't firm enough, but then I remembered he didn't giggle in his sleep," BJ teased his wife, though trying to sound serious. Peg slapped his arm.

"Go shower before everyone uses all the hot water."

"We're the only ones up," BJ said as he looked around the room.

"The women have been up for half an hour. Can't you hear that blow dryer?" They listened in silence for a moment. Peg was right, in the distance he could hear a blow dryer running.

"Very well, I know how quickly it goes." He handed Erin off to her mother. "Are you going to start breakfast?"

"No actually, Mildred and Edna said they forbid me to do it. They want to make us breakfast."

"Well that's awfully nice."

"Isn't it?" Peg smiled, "I told them they didn't have to. But they insisted. I'm going to help anyway"

"Well, maybe they feel they owe it to us."

"Oh BJ," Peg said in disappointment, "No one owes us anything. I hope your friends don't think that."

"I'm sure they don't." BJ kissed his wife softly. "I'm going upstairs to shower. I won't be long."

After billowing his way through the group of women flocking in their upstairs hall, BJ was able to reach his bedroom and take a shower. By the time he was dressed and shaved, everyone was downstairs. He walked into the dining room to see most of the group sitting at the table.

"Mmm…..something smells good," BJ said cheerfully as he made his way to the kitchen. The door opened and Edna O'Reilly was standing in his way.

"Breakfast's almost done. Why don't you have a seat?" She ushered him back to the table.

"Now really, are you sure you wouldn't like some help?"

"No, we're fine." She told him. BJ did as he was told and took a seat.

"Well good morning," Sherman greeted him when he realized the younger man had joined them. The others did so as well.

"Did everyone sleep well?" BJ asked them all. Everyone responded with varied answers. Most of the men said it reminded them of sleeping in Korea while the women slept wonderfully.

"It did wonders for my back though," Potter said rubbing his lower back. "Felt like I was sleeping on a slab of stone."

"Well maybe tonight Hawkeye will trade you. He got the better deal I think. What do you say Hawk?" There was no answer, only complete silence. Everyone began to look around, Hawkeye wasn't in the room.

"He must be in the bathroom," Klinger said.

"No, I just came from there," Radar told them all.

"Is he still sleeping? You know how Pierce likes to sleep," Margaret added. He had never woken up early a day in his life. Never before noon anyway.

"No he isn't. In fact….." Charles said, "He wasn't even there when I woke up."

BJ thought for a minute, he hadn't seen him either. "Then where did he go?"

Trapper's stomach started to turn, he was afraid Hawkeye had made a brake for it last night when they were all sleeping. "Is his car here?" Everyone turned and looked at him, suddenly they were looking through the window. Trapper was right, his car was gone.

The whole room grew noisy, everyone was talking at one time. Finally the door to the kitchen opened and Edna, Mildred, and Peg emerged with platters of food. "What's going on out here?" Mildred asked when she heard the commotion.

"Pierce is gone," Charles told them flatly. "He's taken his car and left."

"What!" Peg shouted in confusion. "Where did you all get that notion?" Everyone looked at her with a rather bewildered expression. "He was awake and dressed when I came down this morning. I asked him to out and buy some more eggs."

"Ohhh….." the whole room erupted. That made sense.

"Wait….." someone said. "Pierce was awake and dressed before Margaret?"

**What do you think women like? Do you think they like big muscles, like tree trunk big, or a toned body? Is a woman more inclined to date a man with a nice smile or a big pocket book? What about cars, do they like little European sports cars or even better, sailboats? Do you think they like mustaches or no? **

**I've never been a very muscular man, at least not like Donald. I'm lean, but well toned. Maybe Margaret likes men with meat on their bones, like Charles, fleshy and bald. No, that's ridiculous. Well, I know she dated some in Korea, but those were Big Brass fellows. She wouldn't want anyone who would smother her while they were making love. Margaret would want someone who's fast and hard and agile.**

**I think she's afraid of me. But I don't blame her.**

"This was really a great idea Peg," Patty said as she set her towel on the sand. Patty O'Reilly was Radar's wife of one year.

"BJ and I do this all the time in the summer," Peg told the other women as they set up their things. "Is rather nice really. This part of the beach is secluded."

"And what a beautiful view!" Margaret exclaimed as she took a seat on her towel. "I could never get sick of that water."

"Couldn't you? It's the prettiest blue. But rather cold, it is the Pacific mind you."

"And it's absolutely breath taking," Margaret added. "Back in Boston I get to see the water some times. I don't think the Atlantic is as pretty."

"The closest thing to an Ocean is the local watering hole," Edna O'Reilly announced as she joined the girls. Peg chuckled.

"I agree," chimed in Mildred. "Except mine is filled with carp." Again a series of giggles and laughter filled the air.

"I thought you went to Florida every year." Margaret said as she pulled out a bottle of suntan oil. That's what they'd all heard from Colonel Potter. "The last time I checked, Florida had some water nearby."

"Well Portia's allergic to kelp and she blotches in the sun."

"Kelp?" Patty asked. She'd never heard anything like that.

"Don't ask me," Mildred held her hands up.

"Then why did she ever move to Florida?" Peg asked.

"She has a very sensitive inner ear. Her son lives in Miami, it just makes things easier."

"For heavens sake," Edna exclaimed as she put on her sun visor. The younger women started to laugh again.

Peg looked around, "Just look at them," she pointed to their husbands playing touch football on the beach.

"Men," Mildred spurted. She lifted her sunglasses and watched them with interest. "That Pierce boy can really run." Hawkeye had the ball and was sprinting down the beach along the water. All the other ladies turned their attention to watch him. He was almost to the end zone when BJ attacked him from the side, tackling him and sending both of them into the water.

A few moments later they emerged from the waves, laughing and coughing.

BJ picked up the football and threw it back to the Father. The women couldn't hear what they were saying, but apparently Hawkeye didn't feel like playing much anymore. He started walking up to the house.

Margaret started digging through her bag, looking for her sunglasses. By the time she found them, he was standing right in front of them. He didn't notice her looking at him; he was searching for his own towel.

"That was some tackle," Mildred said to him. He was bent over looking through the pile of towels.

"Yes I know. I've got the sinuses full of sea water to prove it," he said without looking at them. The ladies tilted their heads to look at him; he stood up when he found it. Hawkeye laid it out on the ground beside Margaret who was sitting on the end of their little group.

"But you live on the ocean, surely it's nothing new," Peg said to him.

"Of course not, our property includes a rather large stretch of beach; from past experience I can verify that the Atlantic is just as salty as the Pacific."

"You own the beach?" One of the women asked.

"It's my father's house," he corrected.

Peg stood up then, "I'm going to get something to drink, would anyone like anything?"

"Could I have an iced tea?" Mildred asked.

"Ooh, that sounds good, can I have one too?" Margaret agreed.

"I'll have water," Patty said.

"Me too," Soon-Lee added.

"And I'll have a beer," Edna concluded.

"So two iced teas, a water and a beer. Hawkeye would you like something? Perhaps a beer as well?" Peg asked him. He was lying on his towel with his sunglasses shielding his eyes. He was still wearing his wet T-shirt.

"Water?" He asked as he put his arm over his face.

"Sure," she said as she walked inside the house.

Margaret turned to him again, "What's this? Hawkeye Pierce turning down a beer?" She said in a mocking tone.

Hawkeye lifted his glasses to look at her, "That's right. Disappointed that you can't get me drunk and have your way with me?" He jested.

"Uh!" She threw a spare towel at him. Hawkeye caught it and laughed. Patty giggled as Edna and Mildred laughed. "Are you kidding? Using beer in the middle of the day?" She could play too, "I was going to wait until tonight with scotch and vodka." Hawkeye raised his eyebrows, it wasn't like her to go along with him. Margaret winked at him when she caught his eye.

"Could I get someone to help me carry these drinks?" Peg called from the back door.

"I will," Margaret stood up. "Be right there!" Mildred called. Hawkeye look as if he had fallen asleep. Margaret walked across the sand and into the back yard. When she walked into the house Peg was trying to juggle seven drinks. "Here let me help you," she took some glasses from the other woman.

"Thanks," said a relieved Peg.

"No Problem," Margaret smiled.

Just then Mildred walked into the kitchen, "Isn't he just darling?" She pointed out the window. All three of them looked outside, she was pointing to Hawkeye. Margaret smiled unconsciously as she watched him sleep. Mildred took a drink from each of them and walked back outside.

Margaret and Peg followed her and handed around all the beverages. When they were all passed out Margaret was left with Hawkeye's water. "Don't wake him dear, just let him sleep," Edna suggested. Margaret agreed, he was awfully cute.

"Isn't he handsome? Reminds me of this Italian I met during World War One, I was a USO girl you know," Edna beamed

"You were?" Margaret choked. "I didn't know that." It was hard to believe given the state of things.

"Oh yes," she told them. "Any way, I recall the same dark features and black hair. That lean figure and muscled structure…..and well…..you can use your imagination for the rest," she smiled and wiggled her eyebrows.

"Ohhh!" They all squealed, laughing past hysteria. Patty nearly spit out her drink and Margaret almost choked. Who knew Edna O'Reilly had such a wild streak?

"Shh…..shhh….." Peg tried to quiet them through giggles. Hawkeye had rolled onto his stomach. "Well, what do you think Margaret?" Margaret looked at Peg with surprise written all over her face.

"What do you mean, what do I think?" She asked as if she didn't know what she was asking.

"Don't you think he looks handsome?"

"Well…..I…..I don't know…..well yes, he's attractive," she was feeling overwhelmed.

"Just attractive?" Patty asked with a smirk.

"I mean, yes, he's very good looking. I do believe he looks a little different. But then again, I never really looked." All these questions were smothering her.

"Oh come on," Mildred said, "You mean to tell me you didn't take a glance at him? He's a fine looking boy, a single fine looking boy."

"Well I…..of course I did. I…..I don't know." Margaret could feel her face turning red, she was getting flustered.

"Oh knock it off," Edna swatted Mildred, "Your embarrassing the girl. That's just fine if she doesn't know or care….." Now wait a moment, Margaret never said anything about not caring about him, she looked at the other woman. "I'm always available," she fluffed her hair. Again the group erupted into laughter.

Hawkeye rolled over and looked at them for a moment. He stood up and picked up his towel. "Women," he muttered as he brushed the sand off his still damp shirt. They'd woken him up with all their talking and carrying on.

"Oh Hawkeye! We're sorry, we didn't mean to wake you," Mildred told him sympathetically.

"Well it was inevitable wasn't it?" He shook his shirt again, "I mean, that's what I get for falling asleep beside a group of giggling women who've been sitting in the sun too long." Everyone pretended to gasp at his comment.

"Honey," Mildred said to him, "Why don't you just take that shirt off," she could see he wasn't having very much luck getting the sand off, "It's damp."

Hawkeye brushed it again, "I'm fine thanks."

Someone mumbled a quiet, "Aww," when he refused. Hawkeye looked up and smiled when he heard that.

"I'd just prefer to keep my shirt on," he told them.

"I'm not in this swim suit because I like looking like a beached whale!" Edna pointed to herself, Mildred slapped her a high-five.

"Please, I'd be lucky to catch a woman as beautiful as you." Edna snorted in reply. The younger women chuckled.

Hawkeye started to walk towards the house. "Where are you going?" Mildred asked.

"Inside to put on a dry shirt, why?" He turned to look at them.

"No reason," she grinned. Hawkeye gave her one more look and then walked inside.

"What was that about?" Margaret asked her as she sipped on her iced tea.

"He's peculiar, that's all….."

"How so?" Soon Lee questioned.

"I've never known a man who wouldn't take off his shirt for a woman, let alone six."

"Well, I suppose that's just not him. He wasn't like that either in Korea."

"I think he's hiding something."

"What!" Margaret exclaimed. That was ridiculous.

"Maybe he has a third nipple or something….." Edna subjected.

"I've never heard anything so farfetched in my life," Margaret stood up. "Believe me, Hawkeye Pierce does not have a third nipple," she stated. The others smiled. "I'm going inside for more tea, does anyone need anything?"

"Oh Margaret, could you go upstairs and get the baby her bonnet?" Peg asked. Erin was playing in the shade with the Klinger's son Max.

"Sure Peg, I shouldn't be long." Margaret turned and walked into the Hunnicutt's house. She set her glass on the counter and made her way up the stairs. Erin's room was the last on the left; with out much thought she opened the door.

She looked up to see that someone was in there changing. "Oh…..I'm sorry," she was about to shut the door when they turned their head around.

"Margaret wait, I'm finished in here," Hawkeye had been putting on a dry shirt. Margaret paused and watched as he slipped the undershirt over his head. He did look a little more muscular from the back, but she couldn't really tell from that. She needed to see his chest.

"You don't look so pale to me," she smirked when he turned around, as a matter of fact, her looked rather dark.

"People from Maine tan differently than those do in California," he said as he picked up a comb. They were standing fairly close now.

"That's not a tan from Maine," Margaret said as she let her fingers lightly graze his arm. Hawkeye felt a tingle travel down his spine. "You haven't been in Maine all this time have you?" She asked as she looked into his eyes. Hawkeye knew he couldn't lie to her, but he couldn't tell her the truth, she was looking through him.

Slowly he shook his head no. "I'm in California right now aren't I?" He grinned. Margaret shook her head, he was avoiding the question.

"You're a mystery Benjamin Pierce," they locked eyes again. "Where have you been all this time?" Her voice was full of wonder.

"I'm standing right here," his voice was soft. They seemed to have drifted closer. Margaret had touched his arm again, but he could hardly feel it. They were standing so close now that she could feel his warm breath on her face.

"I know," she was talking at almost a whisper. Her hand moved subconsciously further up his arm as her eyes closed.

The light had diminished between them and it was difficult to tell where one began and the other started. Hawkeye's hand found her left side as he lowered his head almost timidly. Gently he nuzzled her forehead as his hand moved around her more securely. Their noses were touching now, he seemed to be enveloping her completely. Slowly his lips moved lower, caressing hers lightly and shyly.

Margaret was just about to let her hand graze his cheek when a clank rang out on the floor below. The sound of women's voices filled the house. Suddenly he pulled away, abruptly separating their lips. His eyes filled with terror at the realization of what they had just done. Quickly he removed his hands from her, dropping them to his side.

"Margaret?" Peg's voice called from downstairs. "Did you find it?"

Margaret looked around the room; she hadn't found time to look for the bonnet. "Just a moment!" She called. Margaret spotted it and picked it up off the dresser. They stared at each other for a moment. Hawkeye looked confused and ashamed, like what they had just done was wrong. "Hawkeye….." she took as step closer to him and put her hand on his.

"Margaret!" Peg was calling from the stairs, "Do you need help searching? Here let me help you." She was upstairs in a matter of seconds and already walking down the hall towards them. Quickly they stepped away from one another, Hawkeye moving further against the wall and Margaret stepping out into the hallway.

"I found it," she held the little white bonnet out to Peg.

"Oh wonderful." Peg was standing in the doorway. Just then she spotted Hawkeye as she looked past Margaret. "Oh hi." Hawkeye waved. "We were wondering what happened to you. You two getting reacquainted?" She looked from Margaret to Hawkeye and back to Margaret.

"He was helping me look," Margaret told her, Hawkeye averted his eyes.

"Oh good. Well we were going to get a game of volleyball started. You guys interested?"

"Yeah," Hawkeye stood up, he was eager to get out of the room.

"Ok….." Margaret was a little taken back by his wanting to leave so quickly. She wanted to talk to him, but it would be difficult with Peg around, she probably already suspected something.

**For three years I didn't exist in the eyes of Margaret Houlihan. She was always drooling over some piece of Brass or batting her eyes at Trapper and playing Frank. I was so jealous over Charles because I thought he had something that I didn't. My life is so different now than it was then.**

**I can't believe what happened in there. It wasn't just a peck, but a real kiss. She was touching me and moving her body closer to mine. I wanted to let me self go, let my emotions and pent up feelings free. God, if only it was a different time and place.**

**Something bothers me still. What changed? Why couldn't she stand me in Korea, yet subject herself and practically draw me into kissing her in the first place? Why would she attempt to deepen the kiss? I thought she hated me!**

**It's true, I've always wanted her, I've wanted her so badly it hurt. But I don't think I'm the man for her, she deserves someone better than me. I'm screwed up, hell, I'm even afraid to fall asleep. What kind of woman wants a crazy man? She needs someone who'll make her happy, someone to give her all the attention she deserves. **

Margaret sat up in bed. She'd been restless all night long. So many thoughts were running through her head faster than she could sort them out. She kept thinking about the kiss between her and Hawkeye. It really had been nice; she kind of wished it hadn't ended so soon.

It was look in his eyes that really made her wonder. Hawkeye Pierce had never backed away from a woman, let alone one who had invited him to kiss her. Would he have carried it further if Peg hadn't interrupted? Or would he have pushed her away despite it?

When they pulled away he looked hurt, almost as if he regretted kissing her. She was taken back by his silence diffidence, it wasn't like him. In fact, he hadn't said much during the entire reunion. Underneath Margaret knew something was bothering him, something he wasn't saying, but she couldn't be sure.

That man wasn't the same man that she knew in Korea, that was someone else out there. Hawkeye Pierce was fun loving and carefree. He was goofy and silly and always made her smile on the inside. But this man, he rarely spoke and when he did he was serious.

Margaret decided she couldn't sleep any longer, she was too restless. Beside her Patty O'Reilly was snoring lightly, hopefully she was a deep sleeper. Margaret swung a leg over the side and slowly and carefully slipped out of bed. She put on her robe and crept out of the room and into the hallway. Quietly she walked down the stairs and into the living room.

She looked around the room at the sleeping men. Colonel Potter was sleeping on the couch with his hands resting on his stomach. BJ was stretched out in the center of the room with the blankets pulled up over his head. Klinger was lying on his back snoring loudly and Charles was sleeping away from them all with his face towards the wall. On the other side of the couch Radar was curled up tightly in a ball on the floor hugging his pillow. Father Mulchay was holding his Rosary and bible between his hands, and Hawkeye was…..

Margaret knitted her eyebrows and put a finger over her lips. Thinking that perhaps she had miscounted in the dark, she double checked the faces and recounted bodies. But again, he wasn't among them. That was certainly odd. That was when she noticed that the sliding door hadn't been closed completely. Margaret walked around the couch, careful not step on those sleeping, and went to peer through the glass plated door. Feeling a little relieved and even anxious, she saw him through the darkness sitting on the steps of the deck.

As quietly as she could, Margaret opened the door slowly and then stepped out onto the deck, closing it soundlessly behind her. Silently she walked up behind the un-expecting man. She tilted her head, trying to read his body language. His hair was mussed, standing on end, and he was wrapped loosely in a hand-stitched quilt. It was hard to tell whether he was asleep or staring at the ocean.

He turned his head to the side just as she approached him, catching her off guard and slightly startling her. Margaret stopped in her steps, watching him momentarily, waiting for him to speak. But he said nothing and turned his face away from her. After a moment of uninterrupted silence he said in a voice that she almost didn't recognize, "What are you doing awake?"

She tucked her hands into the pockets of her robe and looked out at the dark ocean. "Couldn't sleep."

He bowed his head. "Yeah, me neither..."

She took a few steps closer and sat down beside him, pulling her robe to her. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Finally she said, "It brings back a lot of memories, being here and all. You know, with everyone."

He still wouldn't look at her. "Mhmm."

"How long have you been out here?" She asked him.

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know."

She really didn't know what to say to him at that point. It was the first time they'd been alone together the entire trip. "Um..." The air was uncomfortable between them. His distance was disturbing. "It sure is nice out here," she said.

"Yeah," he agreed. The wind was warm, not icy like it was back home.

"What a beautiful view," she voiced as she looked over the water.

"Mhmm."

She looked down at her hands, contemplating what to say next. "You know, I have nightmares too at times..."

Suddenly Hawkeye stood up. "Who asked you?" He demanded in a much louder voice. "What the hell do you know about me?"

Margaret was taken back by his sudden outburst. "I...I'm sorry."

He whipped off the blanket and threw it onto the deck. "Nothing," he said in a dim voice. "Not a goddamned thing."

"Hawkeye...I..." She had no idea where she went wrong. "I'm concerned about you. That's all I meant."

He had his head bent as he rubbed his neck, "Concerned? You're concerned about me?" He shifted his eyes to glance at her, his voice was full of pain and resentment.

Margaret stood up, sympathy and sadness written all over her face. "Yes, I am," she told him sincerely. "I care about you very much. You can't ignore what we had in Korea." She moved so she was standing closer to him.

An archaic smile spread across his face and he threw his head back and laughed. Margaret stood there watching, it was pitiful and heart breaking to see. "What we had in Korea?" He asked her suddenly. "In case you don't remember, no one cared about me!" Then in a deeper voice he said, "Not even you." He turned around. "I wasn't good enough as a surgeon or a friend."

"What are you talking about!" She emphasized strongly. "You were one of the finest surgeons I've ever seen!" Realizing how loud she had become she lowered her voice. "We all looked to you. How can you say that no one cared about you?"

"When Henry died I lost my worth," he said flatly, not looking at her. "You didn't need me when you had BJ and Charles." He lowered his head dejectedly. "No one did."

"That's not true….." Her voice was caring and firm. She walked over to him and put her hands on his arm. "I don't know where you ever came up with such an idea. If you don't believe that they wanted you, then at least believe me when I say I did."

Hawkeye expelled a deep breath, "You _did_….." he listened to the word as it escaped his mouth. He pulled away from her impetuously and started toward the beach.

Margaret groaned in frustration and took off her robe, throwing it onto the deck as well. He was being stubborn. Where had he gotten such an idea? Of course they needed him. Of course they wanted him. Margaret hurried after him, he was walking across the lawn rather quickly. By the time she caught up to him he was sitting in the sand looking at the surf. Margaret sat down beside him and immediately said to him, "When I found out that Donald was cheating on me, I didn't think I'd ever get over it. The pain was so great that I felt that I didn't think I could ever love again. But I had a wonderful friend who pulled me through." She gripped his shoulder and forced him to look at her. "You saved me," she told him seriously. "There was no way I could have gotten through that without you."

But Hawkeye rebutted. "I only did what anyone else would have done."

"No, you didn't," she told him, "No one else could have done what you did. No one even came close. I needed you and you came through for me," she let her hand touch his chest. "I needed you then and I need you now."

Hawkeye had been listening to her intently as she spoke. Tears were now beginning to stream down her face. He moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around her, holding her to him. "I need you too," he said in a soft whisper. Margaret responded by resting her head beneath his chin and wrapping her arms around him.

They sat in silence for a while, listening to the rushing water. "I've never been so alone," he told her honestly, letting out some of his emotions in return.

Margaret lifted her head and looked up at him. "I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere," she told him softly. She moved a piece of hair out of his eyes.

"I know….." He looked from her eyes to her lips. They were sitting extremely close.

"Do you?" Hawkeye nodded. Margaret moved her hand back to his face and ran her thumb along his cheek. Their lips were almost touching now.

"I don't understand." He whispered, their eyes were closed.

"Understand what?" She asked, but never got a response. They had drifted that millimeter closer and touched lips. At first they exchanged light brushes, feeling the texture and softness of the others lips. They were kissing blindly, searching and discovering as if it were their time.

Hawkeye's lips kissed her top lip and she responded him. After a few moments his lips started massaging hers, she opened her mouth slightly, allowing mixed breath to mingle between them as he moved to kiss the other.

Margaret's hands found the back of his head and she pulled him closer. Her fingers threaded through his hair and trailed across his neck and down his back. She had been right in thinking he looked more muscular. The muscles in his back were taught and smooth. Relentlessly they pulled apart, parting lips slightly and allowing them both to breathe. His chest was heaving slightly as he looked down at her; their noses were practically touching.

"Margaret, I love you," he told her breathlessly. "I think I've loved you for a long time."

When she didn't say anything right away he closed his eyes, waiting for the blow when she'd tell him that she didn't feel the same way and push him away. But no blow ever came; instead she gave him a look of content and brushed his cheek with her index finger. "I love you too," she whispered as their lips touched once more.

They sat on the beach for a while longer before deciding to walk back up to the house. Everyone would have still been sleeping, enabling them to avoid attracting attention. Noiselessly, he opened the glass-plated door and stood aside for her to walk in ahead of him. Without waking the others he closed it quietly behind him and locked the latch.

"Where are you sleeping?" She asked him quietly as she looked around the room of sleeping men.

Hawkeye who was standing right behind her, leaned down and whispered into her ear, "Over there." He pointed to an empty spot of carpet on the opposite side of the room.

"Now I don't feel so bad about sharing a bed with Patty," Margaret whispered back. Hawkeye smiled and kissed the back of her head.

Together they crept carefully through the living room and out into the hallway. Margaret stopped when they reached the stairs and turned around to look at him. "Try to get some sleep," she told him as she caressed his cheek with her hand.

He took her hand in his and kissed it. "Sleep well."

She drew him closer and kissed him gently on the lips. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."


	3. Chapter Three

Hawkeye leaned against the car casually, looking over the Californian map that he had spread across the hood. Trapper and Father Mulcahy were talking amicably to one another off to the side and Charles was standing alone behind them. The entire party was going on a day trip to a California state park somewhere south of San Francisco. At the moment the women were packing a picnic lunch and everyone else was...well it really didn't matter.

Margaret walked outside with Peg and Patty to see him standing beside his black Ford Thunderbird. He was wearing a pair of worn blue jeans and a white T-shirt. Margaret found the look very becoming. Hawkeye had his left hand jammed into his back pocket as the other traced various highways along the map. She couldn't help but notice how different he looked in civilian clothes. He was wearing his watch with the face sitting on the underside of his wrist and a thin silver chain around his neck. With the dark sunglasses and combed hair she almost didn't recognize him.

Hawkeye turned around and leaned backwards against the hood, he still had his hand in his pocket. Margaret noticed his gaze was following her as she walked over to the Hunnicutt's Station Wagon. She wanted to walk over to him and kiss him, but that would look conspicuous. Hawkeye grinned slightly when he caught her eye. She was making eyes at him and following him as she walked.

Hawkeye had been too busy watching her to notice BJ walk up beside him. Only when he spoke did Hawkeye realize he wasn't alone. "I'm sorry Hawk." A little startled Hawkeye turned his head and looked at him. Usually he didn't let people sneak up on him like that. "Erin's having a small temper tantrum, I think it would only be fair to you if she rode with her mother this time." It had been decided the night before that Erin was going to ride with Hawkeye, but it didn't appear that that was going to happen.

He had been surprised at how easily she had attached herself to him. They'd only been there three days. "Oh, well that's alright." Hawkeye looked over to see Erin crying in Peg's arms. She didn't look happy at all.

"Maybe on the way back?" BJ put his hand on Hawkeye's shoulder.

"Sure." Hawkeye smiled gladly, he had grown awfully fond of her himself.

"Great, I'm sure she'll be over joyed." BJ patted his back. "Now I have to move someone out of Peg's car and move them into yours." He scratched his head. "But who?" After a moment he walked over to the station wagon and began talking to the three ladies sitting in the back. Hawkeye couldn't see who had volunteered, but it was obvious it was the person sitting on the end. His chest started to pound when he saw BJ help Margaret out.

Charles made his move before she even reached them. "Ah, look who's come to join our little bunch."

"I hope you don't mind," she told him, looking rather at Hawkeye.

"Of course not Margaret, in fact, I'm delighted." He opened the back door and stepped aside.

"Now just a minute," Trapper pushed it closed and moved to stand before it. "You're going to make a lovely woman like that sit in the cramped back seat?" He gestured to Margaret.

Charles realized where he'd gone wrong. He shook his head. "How thoughtless of me." He moved to open the passenger door. "Although, she'll be forced to sit beside him." He pointed to Hawkeye who was standing with his arms crossed.

Margaret looked over at him. "It's not a long drive. I think I'll manage." She couldn't see his eyes through his glasses, but she knew they were dancing. Quickly she winked at him before climbing into the passenger seat. Charles shut the door and smiled at Trapper.

"Okay everyone, I think we're ready to get going!" BJ shouted before he climbed into his Sedan. Charles, Father Mulcahy, and Trapper each got into the back seat. Hawkeye stood where he was, looking over his map once more. Finally, he folded it up and walked around to the driver's side. Margaret watched as he opened the door and sat down beside her. Setting the map on the dashboard he pulled his keys from his pocket.

"Hawkeye!" Father Mulcahy was calling him from the back.

"Yes Father?" He looked at the other man through the rear-view mirror.

"This is remarkable, how did you get these?" He held up the lap belt.

"My father had them installed. It's the latest technology in car safety."

"I've only known one other person with seat belts in his car, and he too was a doctor." The Father was fascinated. Carefully he examined the buckle.

Hawkeye smiled. "That seems to be the trend." He looked back at the other men. "Well most doctors."

"They're quite expensive Pierce...where ever did your father come up with the money?" Charles asked skeptically, he hated when he was put on the spot.

"Then you shouldn't have a problem acquiring some for yourself Winchester," Hawkeye retorted. He had purposely avoided the other man's question.

Margaret looked over at Hawkeye; his jaw was firm. She looked back at Charles; he was examining the safety belt. Margaret reached around and buckled hers securely; she liked the idea of having them in cars. After seeing so many people die from car accidents, she welcomed the new security.

"So Margaret," Father Mulcahy was talking to her now. "How did you get the push out of the other car and into this one?"

Margaret smiled, Erin had been so fussy. The poor thing was exhausted. "I was sitting in Erin's favorite seat."

"Ah, of course. The little babe, isn't she darling?" Father Mulcahy beamed, he loved all children.

"Oh isn't she?" Her face lit up. Erin was just as darling as BJ had described her, if not more.

Hawkeye turned over the engine and pulled out behind the small caravan, they were a small ways ahead of him already. He shifted into gear and sped up to catch the other cars. Margaret put her hands over her hat to keep it on, he was driving fairly fast.

"Pierce..." Charles was calling to him from the back seat again. Hawkeye didn't bother to look at him, instead he studied the empty road behind him through his mirrors.

"Yes Charles?" Hawkeye shifted gears again.

"What type of car is this?" His hand ran over the leather seat.

Hawkeye grinned, he knew that question was coming. "It's a Thunderbird." He said simply.

"This must have cost a pretty penny. You surely can't have anything left after making such a purchase." Charles sounded confident. Hawkeye never would have been able to pay for something like that.

Margaret looked at him, waiting to hear his answer. He looked a little insulted, but she couldn't really tell with those glasses on. Finally he said, "I bought it when I got home, sort of as a present for myself. I figured I needed to have some fun after all that hell." Again he was avoiding the direct question.

"It's very nice Hawkeye," Father Mulcahy commented. Trapper stayed silent, he knew all about the car. He'd even driven it half way across the country while Hawkeye slept.

"I've seen these cars before," Charles added. "They're not cheap. How did you pay for this?" He sounded skeptical. Hawkeye didn't like that, it made him sound dishonest.

"I am a doctor Charles."

"Ah," he sounded triumphant, "But you said so yourself that you're not working."

"I never said that."

"Oh, I believe you did." Charles knew what he was doing, he was trying to twist his words to avoid the question.

"No, I said I wasn't working in a hospital, I never said that I wasn't working period." There, he'd gotten him. Margaret was looking at Hawkeye now with great intensity. If he wasn't working as a doctor, then what was he doing?

Charles started to press further, "Then what pray tell..."

Hawkeye cut him off before he could finish, "Margaret could you look at the map and tell me what highway we're getting of on." He reached over and picked the map up off the dashboard and handed it to her. Margaret took it gladly and opened it. Trapper knew Hawkeye had done that on purpose, he didn't want to talk about his personal life. Quickly Trapper decided to change the subject before Charles pushed too far.

"So Father, someone mentioned it once before, but what was it you're doing now?"

"I'm working at a center for the deaf just outside of Hannibal." Father Mulcahy gladly told Trapper.

"Oh? How did that come about?" No one had told him about what happened to him at the end of the war.

"Well, you see..." The Priest began.

After another half an hour, the group finally arrived at their destination. Candlestick Point, a rather large recreational park located on the bay. Hawkeye pulled into the parking lot and parked in a shaded area not too far from where the others were already beginning to unload. As soon as the engine was turned off the three men in the backseat quickly unbuckled and got out. Before Margaret could say anything to him, Hawkeye had already gotten out and started to make his way across the parking lot. She still had the map in her hand and wasn't exactly sure where to put it.

"Hawkeye, can you give me a hand with this table?" BJ called over to him. He was in the process of unloading a small table from the back of his car.

"Sure." Hawkeye walked over and took the other end as BJ pulled it out. "Where are we going?" Hawkeye asked once he had hoisted the table on his shoulder.

"There's a small clearing through the woods with a let down to the beach about half a mile from here," BJ gestured to a small path ahead of them.

"Half a mile?" Hawkeye asked in disbelief. "You must be kidding?" He adjusted the table; it was digging into his shoulder.

"Oh come on Hawk, it's not that far," BJ jested.

"Fine," he huffed as they started to walk into the trees.

Margaret looked over at everyone else, they were unloading baskets of food and lawn chairs. "Margaret, come hold this wine will you?" Peg called to her, she was juggling too many things in her arms.

"Coming," Margaret called back. She looked around quickly for a place to put the map, not wanting it to get misplaced or ruined. She pulled the glove compartment open, that was good place to stow it. As soon as she did that though, a bottle fell into her lap. Startled, she picked it up and looked at it. There wasn't a label on the outside or anything indicating it's contents, but Margaret had a good idea of what it was. She unscrewed the cap and poured a handful of small white pills into her palm.

"Margaret!" Peg yelled, causing Margaret to almost spill the entire bottle. She looked up to see Peg struggling to hold on to the things in her arms. Hastily she dropped the pills back into the bottle and threw it and the map back into the glove compartment.

"I'm coming!" She jumped out the car and ran to help the other woman. Margaret grabbed the three bottles of wine before they crashed to the ground.

Peg let out a delayed breath, "Thanks."

"Anytime," Margaret breathed, they had almost lost the wine all together.

Mildred and Edna walked over to them. "We've got the food and the men have the blankets and so fourth," Edna informed the

"So we're ready to go?" Peg asked.

"I believe so."

"Alright then, let's go." Together everyone walked down the trail and into the woods. After a few minutes they reached a small clearing with a picturesque view of the water. BJ and Hawkeye were standing in the middle waiting for the rest of the group when they got there.

BJ helped Peg by lightening her load and Hawkeye walked over to Margaret who was standing nearest to her. "Let me help you with that," he said as he took two bottles of wine.

"Thank you," she smiled at him. Margaret suppressed the sudden urge to kiss him, she had been thinking about him since last night. He had taken off his sunglasses so she could see his eyes, which only impelled her to step closer to him.

Hawkeye knew what she was thinking, he wanted to kiss her too. After having those feelings and always thinking she was interested in Trapper or Charles, it was wonderful to know she wanted him. "Sure," his eyes twinkled.

Together everyone set up the picnic site and grill and then decided to go their separate ways. The women were going to go for a hike through the woods while the men went fishing in the bay. Margaret stood alone by the table, she wasn't exactly sure what she wanted to do. The men had already left, so it was just them. She needed to think and sort out her thoughts, hiking with the other ladies wouldn't be the best way to do that, but how could she get out of that without being asked a lot of questions?

"No!" Erin screamed beside Margaret as her mother tried to pull her along. "I don't wanna go!" She was fighting as hard as she could.

"Erin, we're all going together. No one will be here, you have to come with mommy," Peg told the little girl.

"No! No! No!" She yelled even louder. "I want to stay with daddy!"

"Daddy has gone fishing, you have to come with us." Peg pulled her along.

"Noooo!" Erin kicked and pushed, she'd been feisty all day.

Peg looked at the others, "I'm sorry, but I can't go. She's tired, it'll be better if we just stay back."

Suddenly Margaret had an idea, "Peg, why don't you go. I'll stay with her." This was the break she'd been waiting for

Peg looked at her with thought, but decided against it. "No, no, you go have a good time. I don't mind staying back with her." She shook her hand and picked up her daughter.

"It's really no trouble, I love children. You must be exhausted, why don't you go and have a good time. I don't mind at all."

Peg looked at her, "Are you sure you don't mind?"

"Positive," Margaret smiled and held out her hands to the little girl. Erin went gladly into her arms.

"Well," Peg still felt a little bad, she didn't want Margaret to miss out. Then again, she was offering out of the kindness of her heart. "Alright." Peg agreed happily.

"Great." Margaret smiled at Erin, she looked very happy.

"All right then. Bye sweetie." Peg kissed Erin on the cheek. "Thank you Margaret." She smiled at the other woman before she walked away.

"No problem."

"Bye mommy," Erin waved to her mother. Peg waved back and so did the other women. After a few minutes they disappeared into the woods.

Margaret looked back down at Erin, she looked very content. "So what did you want to do?"

"I don't know," she said in her high little voice while holding up her hands. "What do you wanna do?"

Margaret set her on her feet, "What I want to do and what I can do are two totally different things."

"Why?"

"Because things are too complicated right now," Margaret sighed while looking at the sky.

"Why?"

"Because..." Margaret looked down at the little girl; she caught herself before she spilled her doubts about her love life to a three-year-old. "What's with you today and all these questions?" Erin shrugged her shoulders. "I'm sure."

"Let's go play," Erin pointed towards the water.

"I'm not sure, can you swim?" Erin nodded her head. "Oh, really?" The little girl smiled brightly. "Can you out swim...a shark?" Margaret asked coyly. Again Erin nodded yes. "I don't think so," Margaret said in a playing voice and picked her up and spun her around. Erin giggled and laughed; Margaret was a lot of fun.

Together the two played like that for a little while longer, Erin was such a joyful little kid. After a while though, Margaret decided it was time for a break. She spread out a blanket they had brought and together her and Erin lay down. It didn't take long, but after five minutes Erin was out cold. With Margaret able to sit in the solitude she was finally able to think. It was the most she'd been alone in over three days, something that was long over due.

In Korea, Hawkeye had been flamboyant and outgoing. He loved the sound of his own voice and never turned down the chance to make it known. Between the jokes and pranks, singing and sarcasm, he was one of the most nerve rattling people she'd ever met. He drank and cursed and yelled and carried on, but this man she'd met here, this wasn't him.

This Hawkeye was quiet and kept to himself. He didn't laugh and didn't joke; in fact he hardly talked. His mannerisms were strange in the fact that he didn't drink and rarely talked about himself. Its not like he really had before, but Margaret hadn't the faintest clue where he had been or what he had been doing. On top of that, something scared her even more, those pills in his glove compartment. What were they? They surely weren't aspirin; they were too small and too smooth. Why was the bottle unmarked? What was he hiding?

Margaret lost her self in thought for a good hour, thinking only of her and Hawkeye. She was worried about him and planned to find out what he was hiding. He'd said he'd loved her when held her on the beach the night before, Margaret didn't doubt that. That was the only part she could still recognize, his kisses, the taste of his lips, and the comfort of his arms. She knew he loved her, she could see it in his eyes, that was all that really mattered, right?

Erin sat up some time later, she looked around confused, until she spotted Margaret. "Maggie, let's go play!" She quickly jumped to her feet and pointed towards the shore.

Margaret looked at her; she wanted to go so badly. "Well, only if you stay close. I don't want you getting lost, you're mommy would be very angry." She stood up as well.

Erin grabbed hold of her hand, "Lets...go." She began pulling Margaret along with a passion towards the water. Together they walked down to the shore. Margaret removed Erin's shoes and socks and let her wade in the shallow water. "Fishy!" Erin cried when she spied a small group of tadpoles swimming along the sand.

Margaret sat herself down on a nearby rock and watched with close attention to the baby. Erin was trying her hardest to catch one, but they were just too fast for her. After several tries she ended up soaked, but Margaret didn't think anyone would mind, it was a hot day and they had brought along a change of clothes.

Margaret felt another body sit beside her and press against her back just then. She whipped her head around to see Hawkeye sitting there.

"Did I scare you?" He asked coyly.

Margaret shook her head and smiled, "No." She looked back at Erin to make sure she hadn't gone far, then turned back to face him. "I thought you were fishing with the other men."

"I was," he said. "But I'm not used to Pacific fish. I guess they heard a New Englander was coming and decided to give me a rough time."

"So you didn't catch a thing?" She asked, still smiling. It felt weird and yet electrical to be sitting that close to him.

"Not a thing," he repeated. "What are you doing? You didn't want to go on the hike?" He pointed to the little girl playing in the water.

"Oh..." she looked at Erin, "She was feeling restless and didn't want to go, so I offered to stay back and keep an eye on her."

"That's sort of how I felt last night," he said in a lower tone while moving slightly closer to her.

Margaret looked into his eyes. "Me too, I think Patty missed just as much sleep as I did." He leaned his head in and she moved to meet him half way. They were just about to touch lips when Erin let out a squeal. Margaret pulled away and turned around. She had fallen into the water and was giggling. Margaret let out an exasperated breath, the cry had startled her. When she had turned back, Hawkeye had moved away a little bit. "So, you're done fishing for the day?" She asked, suddenly everything felt awkward.

"Yeah." He looked away.

"So..."

"So..."

"Well, I think I better take her back up. She should change before we eat." Margaret stood up quickly.

"I'll go with you," he stood up behind her. Margaret felt his hand on her bare arm. She looked up at him. Before she realized what he was doing, he had swiftly and gently leaned down and kissed her tenderly on the lips. When he pulled away, they were both grinning.

"Erin," she called, turning quickly before she reciprocated with a deeper kiss. "Come on sweetie, its time to go dry off." Erin listened to Margaret and ran over to the two.

"I'm hungry," she said looking up.

"We we're going to get you changed for lunch."

"Okay."

Erin looked up at Hawkeye, she hadn't seen him join them. She held up her arms, letting him know that she wanted him to carry her. "I'm such a softy for a pretty face." Hawkeye leaned over and picked her up. "Besides, I'm already wet," he said when he realized she was soaked.

Margaret was walking in step beside him, she reached over let her hand run across his back. "You are wet, what happened?"

"They pushed me in," he said looking at her.

Margaret let her fingers play with the wet fabric of his shirt, "You're kidding."

"Trapper set me up and Radar and BJ pushed." He said, Margaret laughed.

After a few minutes they were almost to the cars, they could see them through the trees. "Did you bring a dry shirt?" She asked.

"There might be one in the car." He tried to hand Erin off to Margaret, but she didn't want to leave his arms.

"Alright here, give me your keys, I'll get it. You can get hers." She held out her hand.

Hawkeye's hands were full so he turned his hip, exposing his pocket. He was playing with her, thinking she might gasp at his intention. Without hesitation however, Margaret dug her hand in and pulled them out, she knew he was being fresh. "What's with all the keys?"

Hawkeye shrugged, he was surprised she actually did that. "I have a complicated bike lock."

Margaret smiled at him and rolled her eyes, "Peg said there's a change of clothes for her in a bag on the floor. The car's unlocked."

"Alright." He walked over to the Hunnicutt's Station Wagon and found Erin's clothes.

"There's nothing in the trunk," Margaret said when she walked back over to him.

"Oh well. I'll dry." He set Erin down on the seat.

"Do you need help?" Margaret asked the little girl.

"No," she said. "Privacy...please..." Erin asked in that sweet high voice. It was so cute, she wanted to dress herself.

"Alright, we'll be over here," she took his arm and led him around to the back of the car. Margaret turned to face Hawkeye when they were out of her sight. "Why don't you take this off and let it dry," she said to him. She could see the outline of his chest through the wet shirt.

"It's not too bad," he said looking at it.

"You know it would dry faster if you let it set out," she touched his shoulder.

"I'm fine."

"You're cold," Margaret said looking at his chest. With the dampness of his shirt, she could see she was right. She couldn't understand why he refused to take off his shirt though.

She let her finger graze across his chest and looked up and into his eyes. They moved towards one another slowly, touching noses and then kissing with gentility and precision. Margaret's hands moved to his neck as his wrapped around her waist.

They were so engrossed in each other that neither noticed Erin walk around the car and over to where they were standing. Margaret had her hands traveling up and down his back while Hawkeye had one resting on her hip and the other cradling her head.

Erin walked over and tugged at her shirt, "Mar-get, look, me dressed." She announced. Being three, she didn't care as to what they were doing, and really didn't notice. They tore their lips away from each other at the sound of Erin's voice, yet kept their arms wrapped securely around the other and looked down at the three-year-old.

"Yes sweetie, you are," she laughed. Hawkeye laughed as well, Erin had her shirt on backwards. She fixed her shirt and then leaned her head against his chest again, she loved the feeling of being in his arms. Despite the fact that he was damp.

"I'm hungry," Erin said excitedly and jumped up and down.

"Me too kid," Hawkeye smiled down at her as he rubbed Margaret's back. It felt heavenly to hold her in his arms. For four years he'd dreamt of her wanting him and now it had come true. Things were finally starting to go right.

"I'm hungry too, but I don't want to leave this," she mumbled against his chest.

"Me neither," Hawkeye whispered in her ear. They both knew that once they rejoined the group, they could no longer be together.

"What time is it?" She asked.

Hawkeye lifted up his wrist and looked at his watch. "Almost two thirty," he told her.

Margaret looked down at Erin, she was trying to catch a butterfly. "We should get going. They'll be down there soon."

"I think we have a few minutes." Hawkeye lifted her chin so she was looking at him, tenderly and gracefully he kissed her again. Margaret's arms raised to his neck and back as she kissed him in return. Neither wanted to pull away and join their friends, they wanted to stay like that.

It wasn't until Margaret's wondering hand found the hem of his shirt and moved to touch his stomach that he suddenly and abruptly pulled away. Hawkeye took a step back, causing her hand to slip out of his shirt. He looked back at her, his eyes were wide and he seemed unnerved.

"Wha...wha...what's the matter?" Margaret didn't understand, he seemed to be enjoying it.

Hawkeye's hands we gripping her shoulders, quickly he let go. "Nothing." He adverted his eyes and looked around. "I uh...uh...thought I heard someone coming." His hands jammed into his pockets again as he looked back at her. Margaret still looked confused. "I guess it was the wind or something."

"Yeah..." she nodded. Margaret could understand that, neither wanted anyone to know about them, but he was acting too panicky.

"Well I guess we should get going then," he took another step back. "Erin, come here darling," he started walking towards the little girl.

Margaret strayed back for a moment, something was very wrong. Normally she would have bought his story, but it was a cloudless, sunny day; there wasn't so much as a breeze.

By the time the three of them reached the picnic area most of the group was already there. Hawkeye was carrying Erin on his shoulders and Margaret was walking beside them. He was acting a little more like himself, but that still didn't make her feel one hundred percent better. By now she had decided that he was keeping something from her, and it had something to do with his refusal to take off his shirt. Somehow, someway, she had to get it off.

"I believe this belongs to you," Hawkeye said as he walked over to BJ.

"Hi daddy," Erin giggled, she thought it was hilarious that she was taller than her father.

BJ looked up at his daughter. "Hi sweetie, did you have fun?"

Erin nodded, "Uh huh."

"Yeah?"

"Me go swim and see fishy!" She clapped and laughed loudly. "Dis many," Erin held up ten chubby fingers.

"Wow!" BJ exclaimed in excitement. He looked at Margaret, "Was she good?"

"She was an angel."

"Good." He held out his arms and lifted his daughter off of the shorter man's shoulders. "Daddy missed you," he held her in his arms. Erin cuddled close to her father and began to suck her thumb.

Margaret rubbed her back, "She had a busy day."

"I don't think we'll have a problem falling asleep tonight." He smiled while leaning back to look at her face. Her eyes were still open.

"Is the food almost ready?" Hawkeye broke in.

"Yeah, it's being unpacked as we speak."

"Hungry..." Erin mumbled from her father's shoulder.

"I know honey," BJ rubbed her back soothingly and kissed her head.

"BJ!" Peg called him over to her.

"I'll be right back," he told his friends before walking over to see his wife. Hawkeye and Margaret looked at each other, they were alone now. Quickly he looked away and took a step in the opposite direction.

"So uh..." Hawkeye started while scratching the back of his neck.

"Yeah..." Margaret had no clue what to talk about either. She wanted to talk about what had happened to him after the war and his life now. She wanted to know why he wouldn't take off his shirt, even for her, and what the hell he was doing with an unmarked bottle of pills in his glove compartment. What was keeping him awake at night and why was he being so quiet? Margaret didn't understand any of it.

Hawkeye was watching her, she seemed lost in her thoughts. Her eyebrows were narrowed and she had a bewildered expression on her face. Margaret didn't even seem to notice he was standing there, she was in her own little world.

"Margaret?" He touched her arm.

Quickly she turned her head and looked at him, "Hmm?"

"Are you okay?" He asked her.

"Oh, yeah. I'm fine." She suddenly realized she been daydreaming. Hawkeye was searching her eyes, he knew she was thinking about something that obviously bothered her.

BJ walked over to them again, he hadn't noticed their lost expressions. "Here, I got you some wine." He handed them each a glass.

Hawkeye reluctantly took his, he looked from BJ to Margaret and back to the wine. "Thanks."

"Sure, here you go Margaret." He handed the other to her.

"Thank you," she took a sip.

"How long until we eat Beej?" Hawkeye asked, he still hadn't touched his.

"Any second. Speaking of which, I need to go get the napkins from the car. That's what I forgot," he added before quickly dashing to the parking lot.

Margaret chuckled, "I really love him." She took another sip.

"Me too." His glass hung in his hand by his side. He felt really uncomfortable.

"Aren't you going to drink yours?" She noticed he wasn't drinking. Hawkeye Pierce never turned down alcohol.

Hawkeye didn't know what to say, "I uh...um...I'm not very thirsty at the moment." Obviously he knew she wasn't going to believe him, but he couldn't think of anything better. Margaret just started at him, it was clear that he was lying.

"Come and get it!" Peg called suddenly.

Hawkeye took that opportunity to change the subject. "I'm starving." He started walking towards the table. Margaret followed and got in line behind him. She slightly touched his back and felt him tense up. It had been so long since another person had touched him in an affectionate way, even it was just on his back. It didn't even matter that her hand wasn't moving and that she kept it planted. Just that little touch had made him relax; it was nice to know she was there.

Hawkeye couldn't keep his eyes off Margaret the whole way through dinner. She had ended up eating with the Potter's and Charles on their blanket while Hawkeye got stuck with the O'Reillys and Trapper. She was incredible to him, how she was warm, and soft, and affectionate. He hadn't let a single woman into his life since Korea, and even then they were just warm bodies to keep out the cold. No woman had really ever held him and stroked his hair, with the exception of his mother and Carlyle. Margaret looked liked the type of person would do that, after all, he'd heard her say she loved it.

There were so many things that he wanted to tell her, that he needed to get out, but how in the world would she understand? Margaret had caused him so much angst over the last four years; it would be stupid to tell her. And then there were some things that he knew she could never understand. All he could hope for is that she would be patient with him. In times past, it tore him apart that they weren't together and that he didn't fit into her future. Now that he was, he was terrified of losing her.

"Pierce..." Someone was kicking him lightly in the back. Hawkeye ignored them and kept his eyes closed. "Pierce..." They kicked him harder. "We'd like to get going, and I'm not about to fish in your pocket for the car keys." Hawkeye heard that and opened his eyes to see Charles standing over him.

"Hmm..." He moaned, looking bleary eyed at the taller and more robust man.

"Keys?" Charles held out his hand, gesturing to his pocket.

"What?" Hawkeye yawned.

"We're leaving Pierce. If you want to stay here, be my guest, but the rest of us would like to get home."

Hawkeye looked around. Everything was just about packed and being carried up to the car, except for the blanket he had fallen asleep. "How long was I out for?" He stood up and picked up the throw.

"Two hours," Charles told him.

"What?"

"You'd think you hadn't slept the night before," Charles added before walking up the trail. Margaret and Trapper met them when they reached the parking lot.

"Have a nice nap?" Trapper asked.

"Was I really asleep for two hours?" Hawkeye couldn't believe he had slept that long.

"Yeah," Trapper patted his back.

"I don't even remember lying down."

"Well you know Pierce," Margaret cut in as she climbed into the car. "He loves his sleep." Trapper chuckled, as did Father Mulcahy and Charles, who were already in the car.

"Yeah..." Hawkeye trailed off. He hadn't had a good night sleep in such a long time. He'd give anything to sleep ten hours in a row.

"Now you're going to be up all night," Father Mulcahy commented.

"You don't know how right you are..." Hawkeye said lowly so no one else could hear.

"What was that?" Everyone knew the good Father couldn't hear very well. He scooted closer and cupped his ear.

"I hope not!" Hawk shouted louder.

"Oh," he nodded.

Margaret starred at him, she had heard what he said, even if no one else had. She suspected that he hadn't gone to bed even when she told him to. Now he had an insomnia problem? If only she could have some real time alone with him. They needed to get to know one another and just be together. How were they supposed to do that when everyone else surrounded them?

It was a rather quiet ride back to the Hunnicutt house. Everyone was tired after a busy day and half asleep. Margaret and Hawkeye however, were each thinking about the other. They wanted to be together to talk and kiss and touch. Hawkeye wanted to tell her what was going on, why he was probably coming off as very strange, and everything he was feeling. None of that would happen however for a very long time, he and Trapper were driving back to New England and she was flying back to Boston with Charles. There wasn't any way of getting her in the car without someone or everyone finding out about them.

Hawkeye parked the car in the driveway behind the others. It was seven O'clock, people had to pack, tomorrow everyone was going home. He felt a slight pang in his heart, he'd be leaving his friends and most importantly, Margaret.

"Coming?" She asked him, he was the only one left out side besides her.

"Yeah." He was feeling a little distraught.

"Are you okay?" She stood beside his door.

"We're leaving tomorrow."

"I know. I'm sad about it too." She rubbed his shoulder.

"What about us?" He looked up at her.

"As soon as you get home, I promise we'll see each other."

"That's two weeks away," he said sadly.

"I know." She didn't want to be separated from him that long either, but it was sure better than a year. Margaret had inched her way down a little bit so she was resting on the door. Their faces were rather close now as he looked into her eyes.

They were just about to kiss when Margaret said, "I don't think we should be doing this. Someone could see."

"I know." His eyes were begging, but he knew it too.

Margaret pulled back before something happened. "Will I see you inside?" She gripped his shoulder discretely and gave it a loving squeeze.

"Yeah, I'll be in soon." He patted her hand.

"Okay," she left him and walked back to the house.

Hawkeye sat in the driver's seat and watched her until he was positive she was inside. When he was sure she wasn't coming back, he reached across the car and popped open the glove compartment. He pulled out the bottle he had expected to find, along with something he hadn't been planning on. The map fell onto the floor with a thud, causing a look of dread to spread across his face.

With a look of dismay he sat back in his seat. He could just picture what she had been thinking when she opened the compartment. With a feeling of trepidation, he unscrewed the top of the bottle and poured two small pills into his hand, suddenly the pain in his stomach had just doubled.

"Hey, what happened to you?" BJ asked when he finally walked into the house. A few people were in the dining room and kitchen making plans to leave the next day.

"I had to check the tire pressure for tomorrow," Hawkeye said while looking around the room. Potter was on the phone talking with the airlines while the Klingers and O'Reillys were going over flight plans. "Where is everyone else?"

"Packing," BJ answered simply.

"Ah."

"Are you ready to go?"

"Just have to throw my junk in the back and leave."

"Glad to hear it."

The two men turned to look at each other. "You guys are going to have to come out sometime," Hawkeye said.

"I think that would be nice, I'd love to visit Crabapple Cove," he smiled. The two men talked for a little longer, they hadn't had much time to chat the whole weekend.

"Well," Colonel Potter got off the phone. "Everything's set for tomorrow."

"Good to hear," Mildred commented. "We take off at eight thirty."

"Alright, so now we just need to pack." Together the couple headed up the stairs.

"You want something to drink?" BJ headed to the refrigerator.

"Um...I'll just have a glass of water."

"You don't want a scotch?" BJ asked.

"No. Water's fine." Hawkeye sat down at the table, opposite of the other couples. They were all discussing flight numbers and times.

Just than the phone rang, disrupting the noise of chatter. BJ walked back into the dining room and set Hawkeye's water on the table. He picked up the phone off the hook, "Hello?" Hawkeye took a sip and set the glass back down. He wasn't looking forward to driving back to Maine, he just wanted to get home. "Hawk..." BJ was speaking to him.

Hawkeye looked at him, "Hmm..."

"Where's Trapper?"

"Out back I'm guessing."

"Could you go get him? Tell him his wife is on the phone."

"Sure," Hawkeye stood up and walked to the back door. He called the other man inside, telling him that Louise was on the phone. Trapper followed him back into the kitchen and took the handset from BJ. "What was that about?" Hawkeye asked as BJ sat beside him.

"I don't know. She just told me to get him, I think it sounded urgent."

"Hmm...I wonder what that's about."

"Well, we'll see won't we?"

Margaret walked back into the dining room and sat down beside the two men. "What's going on?" She whispered. BJ and Hawkeye shrugged their shoulders.

Trapper was huddled in the corner over by the phone, he had one finger in his ear. "Louise, I can't here you. Where are you?...The hospital? Wha...You're kidding...Dear God...What happened?...Well is...are they all right?...Are you all right?...No, I can't...I'm...no..." He slumped his shoulders and let the earpiece fall away from his ear for a second.

"Trapp?" Hawkeye stood up, "What's wrong." His friend was in obvious distress.

Trapper held out his hand to Hawkeye, causing him to halt and brought the phone back up to his ear. "What?...You're going where?...Louise..Louise!..." Reluctantly he hung up the phone. He turned to face the others, they had all heard the commotion. "They were in an accident on the way home. Louise is fine, she just bumped her head and strained her neck, but the girls...Becky ruptured her spleen and Kathy broke her leg," Trapper said rather weakly.

"Aww, Trap," Hawkeye put his hands on his friend's shoulders. Trapper put a hand on the wall to brace himself.

"Oh, how terrible," Margaret exclaimed with a gasp. The whole room let out a sound of sympathy.

"Yeah, and the worst part is," Trapper let his hands flail. "It's going to take us two weeks to get back to Boston." He slumped his head dejectedly. Margaret stood up and put her arms around him, pulling him into a tight embrace. Trapper hugged her back, he needed something to hang onto.

"Everything is going to be just fine," she told him in a soothing voice. Hawkeye smiled, he loved it when she talked like that, he even felt better hearing it.

"Two weeks..." Trapper muttered.

"Well guess what, I have a solution to your problem."

Trapper lifted his head, "What are you talking about?"

"I want you to take my plane ticket and fly back to Boston," she told him. "Pierce was planning on driving there anyway, I'll ride back with him."

Hawkeye's eyes widened in surprise. "No Margaret, I couldn't do that to you." Trapper shook his head.

"No, please. I want you to take it. Go home and see your daughters, they need you."

"But...but what about your job? Aren't they expecting you back at work?"

"I have some leave time I need to take, that won't be a problem, what do you say?" She smiled with a tilt of her head.

Trapper looked at her, he never would have believed that Margaret Houlihan would do something like that for him. "Thank you Margaret." They pulled into another hug, "Thank you so much."

So it was settled then, Trapper was going to fly back to Boston with Charles while Margaret and Hawkeye drove. Neither minded at all, in fact, they were both very happy. "I can't believe you did that," Hawkeye whispered to her later on that night. They were both sitting at the table looking over the map.

"Well his family needs him," she told him while leaning on her elbows.

"I know, but you were awfully quick to offer your ticket. Are you sure you can last being in a car with me for two weeks, night and day?"

"That's something we need to talk about," she turned to face him a little better.

"You want the car all to yourself?" He asked.

"No. I heard that you guys drove strait through, I can't do that. We're going to have to stop at a motel to sleep." Her voice was very soft. She didn't want anyone to hear.

Hawkeye raised his eyebrows, he nodded as a sign that he understood. "I think we can do that."

Margaret smiled, "Good, because I'm not anything without my sleep. Speaking of which," she stood up. "I'm going to bed, we're getting up early." She walked around his chair and paused before quickly looking around the room and then leaning over and lightly kissing him. "Promise me you'll try and go to sleep." Margaret grabbed the collar of his shirt.

"I promise," he told her.

"Good," she smiled and let him go.

He squeezed her hand. "Sleep well."


	4. Chapter Four

Margaret lay still for a moment with her eyes closed. She wasn't exactly sure where she was, but she was the most comfortable she had been in a long time. There was a soft breeze blowing through her hair and the warm feeling of the sun shinning on her face. She could hear and feel the rumble of the engine below her and had a peculiar feeling that someone was watching her. Slowly she opened her eyes to discover that she was sitting in the front seat of his car. She was draped in a blanket, lying with her back pressed to the door and her face resting against the leather seat. The afternoon sun was sitting high above them in a clear blue sky.

"Have a nice nap?" He asked her suddenly. Margaret lay there silently, watching him. "Is that a yes?" A simple smile crept across his delicate features. Margaret nodded in reply as she closed her eyes sleepily again. She felt his hand on her foot; he was massaging the underside of it with his thumb. "I know you didn't sleep very well last night." He looked at the road again. "We weren't on the road ten minutes when you feel asleep." Then, seemingly knowing what she was thinking he said, "We're already in Nevada."

Margaret sat up and looked around, Nevada didn't seem too much different than California. The landscape was dry and barren with very little vegetation. "What time is it?" Her voice cracked.

Hawkeye looked at his watch for a moment before replying. "It's nearly two."

"Two O'clock in the afternoon?" She could hardly believe she had slept that long. That had left the Hunnicutt's at six that morning.

"Well it's certainly not dark out here." It was a beautiful, cloudless day. The top was down and Hawkeye had his sunglasses on.

Margaret sat back against the seat and pulled the blanket up higher; it had been quite chilly when they left. "I didn't realize that I was that tired."

"Well, it's been a very long week."

Casually, taking her by surprised, he slipped his arm around her shoulders. It had only been a few days since they had admitted to each other that they were in love. This was his first incentive of affection toward her since they had left California. Margaret smiled and moved over so she was leaning against him. They were finally going to be able to act like a real couple. There wasn't going to be any more pretending.

Because their relationship was new, it was going to take some time to get to know one another in an intimate way. They only knew each other as they had in Korea. The idea of becoming closer was an exciting one. She wanted to learn everything about him. His mannerisms, his habits, his flaws. Many times she had thought about being close to him, wondering what it would be like to be the object of his adoration. It was almost transcendent.

Margaret laid her head on his shoulder. "I'm so happy that that's over, I hated sharing a bed with Patty," she told him. "I missed being able to stretch my legs and move without worrying about kicking someone." Almost dreamily she added, "I can hardly wait until tonight, no more strangers with their knees in my back."

Hawkeye knitted his eyebrows in confusion. From the way she had been talking the night before, he had been under the impression that she meant for them to spend the night together. Now he suddenly felt very embarrassed and extremely asinine. He had assumed that she had wanted him to sleep in the same bed as her. Now it appeared that in reality she hadn't been thinking that at all. Hawkeye could've kicked himself, he had been selfishly thinking of his own needs. Sex was probably the last thing on her mind at that point.

Margaret's voice penetrated his thoughts. "You did say that we were going to stop for the night, didn't you?"

"I did."

"I don't know how you guys did it. Driving for two weeks strait." She shook her head. "That must have been awful," she mused. "It must take a lot of you."

"It does." He was feeling sheepish for his assumptions.

"In that case, we'll take turns. That way we can both get some rest." Something about driving cross-country was exciting and thrilling. She didn't just want to sit there and watch it pass by, she wanted to have some fun too.

"Margaret." He pointed out. "I don't mind driving the whole way."

"No, no, no. You were kind enough to let me come with you. I can at least do my share of the driving." She sat up and looked at him, she really wanted him to say yes.

He looked at her eager face. After a moment he said, "Alright, you can drive." Hawkeye smiled. "I wouldn't mind a break every now and then."

"Fantastic!" She kissed his cheek. "We'll have a better chance of getting there now."

"Hey!" He exclaimed.

Margaret flashed him a playful grin. "Well don't you remember what happened the last time we went on a road trip together?"

"That wasn't my fault." He told her. "I didn't know anything about Army..."

"Excuses, excuses….." She shook her head.

"Are you planning on stranding us in the middle of nowhere?" He asked.

"No, you'd love it too much." She shot back.

"You know me too well." He told her. After a moment he added. "It really wasn't that awful of an experience."

"That was a horrible, horrible night!" Margaret shuddered as she recollected the artillery and that awful hut.

"But look what good came out of it. Surely you never thought you'd willing drive three thousand miles cross country with me."

That night Margaret had seen something imperceptible in him. Something changed within her and her perception of Hawkeye. It was through that experience that she came to realize just how much she cared for him. It was from that feeling that her love for him cultivated.

Hawkeye leaned against the car and closed his eyes. With a heavy touch he ran a hand through his raven hair and let it come to rest on the back of his neck. The week had ended up being more than he had been prepared to handle. Seeing everyone again, being hammered with question after question, and ending up with Margaret had been almost too much for him. His head was spinning in circles, his heart was pounding like a drum, his stomach was in a jumbled knot. Everything had happened so fast, it almost seemed unreal.

He stood still with his eyes closed for a few more minutes until he heard the familiar click of the gas pump shutting off. He stood up and removed the pump, hanging it back on its hook. Exhausted, he screwed the gas cap back on and looked around at the empty station. The gas station was quaint, as much so as one can be in the middle of a desert. The one attendant was nowhere to be seen and the paymaster had fallen asleep in a rocking chair on the small porch of the little store. Besides him, Hawkeye was the only one out there.

Hawkeye walked across the lot and over to where the older man was sleeping soundly. Walking past him, he opened the door and stepped inside, listening to the jingle of small bells as he did so. Instantly he saw her standing at the counter talking to an elderly woman. She looked radiant in all accounts. He still couldn't get over seeing her in civvies, she looked great wearing color. It brought out every shape and contour of her body.

Margaret looked over at him then, flashing him one of her famous, heart pounding smiles. He loved the way her lips curled and pursed when she did so. She batted her eyes at him attentively and gave him a sly wink. Hawkeye walked across the room and over to where the two ladies were standing. They were both smiling mischievously. He looked from Margaret to the older woman, and back to Margaret. After careful consideration he decided it would be best to ignore their antics.

"Did you get everything you wanted?" He asked Margaret. It was obvious from the over crowded counter that she had.

"Yes." She answered simply as she continued to eye him.

Hawkeye took off his sunglasses before turning to the woman behind the counter. "Can I pay for the gas in here?" He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his leather wallet. "I would have paid out there." He pointed to the door. "But the gentleman outside on the porch was asleep."

The lady waved her hand in dismissal. "Oh that's my husband Herb, he's always falling asleep in one place or another." She rang up their items and placed them in a paper sack. "You can pay here, I'll just add it all together. Do you remember the total?"

"Six forty-seven."

She added the gas price to that of the groceries. "Your total comes to $7.13." Hawkeye pulled out a ten-dollar bill and handed it to her. She looked at it for a moment before placing it into the tray, it was brand new.

Margaret picked up the bag and stood beside him. She was preparing to walk out to the car when Hawkeye's hand touched her arm. "Do you want me to carry that?" He asked her.

She could tell he was only thinking of her. It was sweet that he was acting like a gentleman and making himself available to her. In some ways it was almost a little odd having him offer to do things for her, the Hawkeye Pierce she knew had never done that unless he was after something. Then again, things were different now.

"It's not heavy. I can manage." She told him.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"All right." He held out his hand as the cashier handed him his change. "Thank you." He said to her.

"Have a nice trip home." She said to them, giving Margaret a discreet yet very noticeable wink. Hawkeye looked at Margaret, he couldn't believe what he had just seen. He knew they had been talking about something before he came in, this proved it.

Margaret, who was smiling widely, seemed to be blushing slightly. "Have a nice day." She told her with a kind smile. Hawkeye looked at them in question. Quickly she hooked her arm through his and pulled him out of the store before he could say a word.

Once they were a few yards out of hearing he asked. "What was that about?" He leaned down so their faces were closer.

Margaret smiled to herself. "It was nothing."

"Oh come on." He pressed. "You two were signaling to one another. I saw that wink."

"I told you, we were just chatting."

"Chatting about what?"

"Well….." Margaret hesitated.

"Yes?"

"She thought you were handsome and told me I was a lucky woman."

Hawkeye smiled. "And what did you say?"

She looked at him then. "Well, I said that I thought you were nice looking."

"Nice looking?" His tone dropped.

"Okay, how about handsome?" She said lower, letting him know that she was serious.

Hawkeye looked down at her with a thoughtful look on his face. "Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?" Slowly she shook her head no. "Well you are. You're one of the most beautiful, women I've ever met." His hands moved to her arms and he stepped closer. Margaret gripped the bag tighter, she was afraid she was going to drop it. No one had ever said that to her before, not like that. His voice held so much emotion and sincerity.

"And you….." Their lips touched, silencing her before she could say another word. It was a quick kiss, but lovely all the same. They looked at one another and smiled.

She felt him step back and take the bag from her hands. "So what did you buy?"

She had wished the moment had lasted just a bit longer. "Just a few things." She cleared her throat and walked around to the other side of the car. He got sat in the driver's seat and started looking through the bag.

"I got you a coke. I hope you don't mind."

"No, no. That's fine, I like Coke."

"I never really figured you for a soda drinker."

"It's not half bad, I actually like soda. Besides, drinking and driving don't mix well."

"That's what I thought. I figured you'd prefer a beer, but I wasn't sure."

"It's fine." He said looking at her. Alcohol was something he really wasn't interested in anyway, so he didn't really care. "What else did you get?"

"Well, I got a Lemon-Lime Fizz for myself and an apple for each of us."

"Yum."

"Plus a sandwich for us to share and two candy bars for desert." She pulled out two Hershey bars.

"You just thought of everything didn't you?" He started the car.

"Just about." They drove out of the gas station and started down the empty highway once again. Margaret pulled out the sandwich and started to unwrap it. "Do you mind mayonnaise, onions, or mustard?" She asked.

"There are worse things."

"I take that as a yes?"

"Whatever you've got is fine. I'm not a picky eater." He put his sunglasses back on.

"Comes from living in Korea huh?" She understood what he was saying. Margaret was the same way.

"Hoagies are the best sandwiches." He licked his lips.

"Ah, so that explains why you look different."

"What?" He looked at her. That was out of the blue.

"You know, you look well, different."

He looked over at her. "How so?"

"I don't know. You look, bigger." There were a couple other unmentionable things as well.

He switched the point of conversation over to her. "Well you look different too."

"What? I haven't changed at all." She sounded surprised.

"Sure you have. The way you look, the way you talk, the way you move. Just seeing you as you, it makes me want to…..to….." He couldn't think of the right word to express what he was feeling. Just sitting with her was nice.

"To what?" She was hoping it was the same thing she was thinking. Margaret was hanging onto his every word.

"I'm not sure. All I know is that I want to do it with you." He told her, taking her hand in his.

Margaret leaned forward and kissed him quickly. "You had better." Hawkeye grinned and squeezed her hand affectionately.

"How about that sandwich?" He asked. "I'm starved."

"Oh right." She immediately let go of his hand and started rummaging through the bag. "Here you go." She handed him a half of the sandwich.

"Mmm….." he moaned as he bit into it.

"Is it good?" She smiled at his expression. Hawkeye nodded eagerly as he took another large bite.

"I'm glad. That little old lady made it herself." Margaret took a bite of her own.

"I love her." He licked some mayonnaise off his bottom lip. "But," he held up his finger, realizing what he had just said. "I love you more."

"Nice save." She smiled as she attempted to open her bottle of soda with little success. He was very smooth when it came to those things.

"Here, give it to me." He held out his free hand. Margaret did as he said and handed it to him. With one quick jerk he had the lid sitting in the palm of his hand. "Here you go."

"Oooh….. cute and strong," she played.

"If you're trying to get on my good side, it's working."

"Here, have a piece if chocolate." She put a piece in his mouth, silencing him.

"Mmm….." They ate and laughed for a little while longer. It was nice to be together and not have to worry about anybody else overhearing.

"So." Margaret started. "Tell me about yourself. How are things?" She wanted to know what had happened to change him most of all.

"I'm here with you. Things couldn't be better." He told her with a bright smile.

"No, seriously, I want to know." She let her elbow rest on the seat and leaned in closer to him.

"Tell me about what happened to you." He told her. "You left in that jeep and that was the last I saw of you. What ever did happen to Major Houlihan?" There he went, he was avoiding the question again. Margaret knew this was going to be very difficult.

But she could play that game too. "Well, as you know, I was sent to the 8063rd to assist with their tear down. A few days later I was shipped back to the states and assigned to an Army Hospital in Virginia."

"So you haven't been in Boston this whole time?"

"No." Margaret answered. "I started working at Boston Mercy three months ago. A friend of my father's called me about six months after I returned home and told me about an opening for the Chief of Nursing Administration. It was such a wonderful offer I just had to go."

"You left the Army?" Hawkeye sounded surprised.

"Yes."

"And….."

"And what?"

"Keep going." He urged.

"Well there's not much left to tell. I moved to Boston shortly after and I've lived there ever since."

Hawkeye decided to bring up something that had been racking on his mind for a while. "So you're not, uh…..seeing anyone back in Boston?" He sounded a little nervous.

"Of course not!" She didn't understand how he could think she could do that to him. Margaret loved him and only him.

"No doctors?" He asked. They were all alike, he was one too after all. He knew she had probably been hit on a thousand times already.

"Well naturally they make their comments and gestures." She confirmed his theory.

"In other words they hit on you."

Margaret seemed a little embarrassed. "Is it just me or are all of you alike?"

"Who do you know who's like me?"

"That's the reason I picked you." She smiled proudly. "You're one of a kind."

Hawkeye grinned to himself. "And Charles? He works there too doesn't he?"

"Oh yes." She sat back and looked at the road. "I'm sure he told you all about his job."

"Many times."

"He's very proud of his position you know. I'm very happy for him. He's a swell guy when he wants to be." Margaret beamed when she talked about her friend.

Hawkeye caught her smile. "And you two….." He couldn't say it. The thought had crossed his mind too many times. "You uh…..never uh….."

"Never what?" She looked at him confused..

"Well….you know…..saw one another?" He cringed slightly, waiting for her response.

"Dated Charles!" Margaret laughed. "Why that's absurd!" The sound of laughter filled the air. The whole thing sounded like a joke.

Hawkeye was quiet for a moment, he hadn't been sure of what he had just heard. "So there's nothing going on between you?" He had to get his facts strait.

"No!" She laughed.

"Never has been?" He was thinking back to Korea.

"That must be one of the silliest things I've ever heard! Me dating Charles Winchester!" She put a hand on her chest. "Darling, I think he's a nice man and a wonderful doctor, but he's no where near my type!" Hawkeye let out a withheld breath. "Did you honestly think there was something going on between us?"

Hawkeye didn't know what to say. The thought had occurred to him many times, but did he want to tell her that? "Well, I wasn't sure. You seemed awfully close towards the end of the war." He paused. "I supposed it seemed possible that something might have happened once you were reunited."

Margaret sat back and shook her head in disbelief. "How the hell you came up with a wild idea like that, I'll never know." Hawkeye was starting to feel a little stupid now. He shouldn't have told her. "What made you think that?"

At first he was quiet, but eventually he told her. "I guess I sort of compared him to myself, and in the long run when it came to you, he was the more obvious choice."

Margaret sat there, she was a little taken back. He had just told her that he thought Charles was the better man when it came to the two of them. How could he ever think that? She had never thought of Charles as lover material before. "Pull over." She directed abruptly. Hawkeye did as she said without question. Once he had turned off the engine he turned to look at her. They started at one another for a moment. Margaret moved closer and put her hands on face. "Don't ever second guess me or yourself. I'd prefer you to all the money and all the riches that Charles or any other man could ever offer. I don't want that high society lifestyle garbage or anything else. I don't want any of it. All I want is you, and only you."

Hawkeye didn't know what to say. It had all taken him by surprise. He had no idea she'd react like this. That was okay however, because before he could say anything she pulled his head closer and kissed him passionately.

At first he didn't know how to react, his body was in shock. Then after a few moments, he began to slowly kiss her back. Her hands had slipped from his face and moved so she was gripping his shirt tightly. She removed his sunglasses and flung them into the backseat. One hand moved lower and stopped when it reached his side as the other began to rub the collar of his shirt. Instinctively his own hands moved around her slim waist and moved up so he was holding her in his arms. They stopped for a second and let the air mingle between their almost touching mouths. "Has that shown you anything?" She asked softly. Hawkeye nodded, he was too stunned to talk. "Good." She kissed him one more time before moving away. "Because I would never kiss Charles like that." Hawkeye smiled at that. "Do you believe me now that I love you and that there isn't something going on with anyone else?"

He wiped the rouge off of his lips. "Yes."

"And that I've never loved Charles?"

"Yes. I know that now." He took her hand and squeezed it.

"Good." She squeezed it back.

Hawkeye turned the engine over again and put the car into gear. They were a one of a kind couple. He'd bet he'd never find anyone else like them. It was going to be interesting to see how this road trip was going to turn out.

Margaret relaxed completely into the soft seat of the restaurant booth. It was nearly dark outside for it was reaching seven O'clock. Across the table sat the most gorgeous man she could ever remember lying eyes on. For some reason everything seemed to look perfect on him. She loved the way his pants hung loosely off his waist and the way his buttoned shirt hung from his broad shoulders. His hair fell in just the right spot across his face and neck, making him even more attractive.

A light beard and the tiredness of a long day of driving now shadowed a once smooth and cheerful face. Looking upon him now as she did, she began to dissect his chin, lips, and eyes with her own. He was beautiful in all aspects, not a single thing looked out of place or in need of something greater. She loved the contours of his face and the precision of his hands. Even the poise of his neck and the arch of his back were alluring to her. He seemed to be built especially for her, as if someone had known exactly what she wanted. She grew excited thinking about how much more there was to see and touch. He'd still not taken off his shirt in front of her. She was looking forward to seeing his bare chest and stomach.

"Do you know what you want?" Hawkeye asked her as he sat his menu down on the table. They had stopped to eat dinner at a small diner on the side of the highway.

"I think so." She was still looking at him.

Hawkeye noticed she was staring at him and the content look that was spread across her face. "Is something the matter?" He asked.

Margaret shook her head. "I was just thinking."

"And what was that?" He let his elbows rest on the table.

"Just that I'm grateful for being here with you." Hawkeye reached across the table and took her hand in his. "And how we came so close to never seeing each other again. If it weren't for the reunion, we wouldn't be together. What if it never happened?"

"Shhh….." She was working herself up a little bit. "Don't think about the 'what ifs'. We're together, that's all that matters." Margaret looked at him. "We were meant to be together. There was no way around it."

Margaret lowered her eyes and smiled to herself. "I like the way you think."

"You want me to let you in on a little secret?" He lowered his voice.

"Sure."

"I wasn't going to come at first." He looked at the table, he was a little embarrassed having said that.

"You weren't?" She sounded mildly surprised. "Everyone loves you. I don't see how you couldn't."

He shrugged his shoulders. "I felt very disconnected. It was hard enough adjusting to civilian life. I figured if I saw everyone again, it would just complicate things."

Margaret understood that. She had similar problems, especially when she left the Army after so many years. "What happened?"

He lifted his head and looked her in the eye. "You." He said simply. "I had to see you, to tell you how I felt." His fingers ran over hers.

Margaret blushed. "I must admit, the main reason I came as well was because I was hoping to see you."

"Really?" His ears perked up. He was delighted to hear that.

"Yeah. I've uh…..I've thought about you a lot this past year." She had a very warm gentle expression across her face. Everything she had just told him had come directly from the heart.

"I thought about you so much. You have no idea how many times I wanted to find you." He felt a little relieved.

"But you were scared." She answered her own question. Hawkeye nodded. They had both been afraid of rejection.

Just then the waitress walked over to their table, interrupting their moment. "Are you two ready to order?" She asked abruptly.

Hawkeye removed his hands from Margaret's and sat back. He looked at her to see if she was ready. "I think we are."

"Okay, what'll you have?" She put her hand on her hip and waited for them.

"I'll have a burger and a glass of water." Hawkeye told her as he handed her their menus.

"I'll have the same." Margaret told her.

"Okay." The waitress wrote down their orders. "It'll be a few minutes."

"Thanks." Hawkeye told her before she walked away. When he was sure they were alone again he turned his attention back to Margaret. "Have I told you how much I love you lately?"

"Not in the last hour."

"Well in that case, I love you." He picked up her hand and kissed it tenderly.

"I love you too." She told him when he sat back.

Hawkeye stood up and walked around the table. Margaret smiled to herself when he sat down beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Neither said anything, it was nice just to sit there together. After a little while the waitress brought their food out to them and Hawkeye was forced to move to his own side of the booth.

"How's your food?" He asked as she bit into her burger.

"G-o-o-d." Margaret said through a full mouth.

"That works for me." He laughed as he took a bite of his own.

They finished their dinner and then ordered a piece of pie for desert. Hawkeye moved so he was sitting beside her again and picked up a fork. They took turns taking bites until the entire piece was gone.

"Mmm…..that was good pie," Margaret said as she licked her fork.

"Ready to go?" He stood up and held his hand out to her.

"Yes." Margaret took his offered hand.

"What was the total?" He took out his wallet.

"Um." She looked at the check. "$2.17." Hawkeye took out three dollars. "Let me pay." She stopped him. "You've paid for everything else."

"Margaret, it's nothing."

"Yes, but you paid for the gas and the food earlier today. Let me handle this."

"It's only three dollars."

"Please Hawkeye." She really wanted to help out with the money.

"I don't mind."

"Let me."

He noticed how she was being so persistent and finally gave in. "Okay. You can pay." He put his money away and tucked his wallet into his back pocket. She placed the money on the table and then took his hand and walked out of the restaurant. They walked out to the car and got in. By then it was almost eight o'clock and nearly completely dark. "How are you feeling?" He asked her as he took off his jacket.

"I'm not too bad." She settled into her seat.

"Tired at all?" He put the key in the ignition.

"I could go a little longer."

"Alright. Let me know when you want to stop. I can go all night remember."

"Okay." She yawned a little.

Once they were on the road Margaret started to drift a little bit. After nearly half an hour she had fallen asleep on his shoulder. Hawkeye moved his arm and let her settle against his chest and shoulder. He wondered what she'd say if she knew she was snoring in his armpit.

An hour later he decided that it was probably time to stop. He could have kept driving but she would have been more comfortable in a bed than on his shoulder. After another fifteen minutes they came upon the first hotel he'd seen for two hundred miles. With that being his own real option he exited the highway and drove into the parking lot.

When the engine shut off and he started to move, Margaret woke up and sat up. "Huh? Where are we?"

"Shh…..we're at the hotel. Come on." He walked around the car and helped her out. "Let's check in and then I'll come back out and get the bags."

"Okay." Margaret yawned. She felt a little better after having a nap.

He opened the door for her and then followed her into the lobby. Standing at the desk was a rather short, balding man, who was reading a magazine. When the couple approached he quickly stood up. They were probably the first people he'd seen all day. "Good evening. Can I help you?"

Hawkeye looked at her, he wasn't exactly sure what to say. Last night he thought they were going to share a room and today she had hinted that she wanted her own. He wasn't exactly sure what to say to the man. It wouldn't make much sense getting two rooms, they needed to make their money last the entire two weeks.

"Well um….."

"Can I have your name?" He asked.

"Pierce." Hawkeye told him.

"Well Mr. Pierce, would you and your wife prefer a smoking or non-smoking room."

"Oh no, we're not….." Hawkeye tried to tell him that they weren't married. He had gotten the wrong impression.

Margaret stepped in quickly, cutting him off. "Non-smoking is fine." Hawkeye looked at her with wide eyes, had she just said what he thought she had said?

"Very well." He pulled a key off a hook on the wall and handed it to Hawkeye. "You're in room number 268."

"Uh….." He looked over a Margaret. She was telling him to follow her with her eyes. "Thank you." He said without taking his eyes off her. Blindly he followed her to the stairs.

"Let's look at the room and then we'll get the bags," she told him as she walked up the stairs in front of him. Hawkeye couldn't say anything, he had a huge nest of butterflies fluttering around in his stomach. Was this really happening? Were they really going to share a room? She hadn't even given him the time to ask for two beds.

They walked to the door and Margaret struggled for a few moments to unlock it. When she finally got it open she turned on the lights and pulled him by the hand into the room. Surprisingly, it was a fairly nice hotel room. Upon entering the door was a small living room, and beyond that a door leading to the bedroom and bathroom.

In the living room there was a fairly nice sized television set, a small breakfast table, and sofa. Hawkeye looked into the bedroom and his eyes fixed on the large, single bed in the middle of the room. He was starting to get warm, and in more places than the obvious. Perhaps it would have been a better idea if he just slept on couch. Margaret wouldn't like sleeping in the same bed as him. If it wasn't his excitement, than his constant turning and restlessness would have bothered her.

"Well um….." Hawkeye cleared his throat. "I should go get the bags." He turned to leave. "Which one did you want?" He scratched the back of his neck.

"The small black one." Margaret told him softly as she crossed her arms and smiled. She could tell he was feeling a little uncomfortable.

"I'll be back in a few minutes." He kissed her, letting it linger for a moment before he went out the door.

"Hurry back." Hawkeye nodded and walked out the door, closing it behind him.

When Hawkeye came back Margaret was sitting on the bed waiting for him. She had turned on some lights and pulled the sheets back. He handed her the bag she had asked for and set his own down on the dresser. Margaret thanked him and began to unpack her overnight things. Neither said anything while they got ready for bed.

Margaret turned around and watched him for a minute. He took off his watch and set it down on the table along with his wallet. One by one he began to undo the buttons on his shirt until it was left hanging open. She watched as he unbuttoned his cuffs and rolled them up a little ways. She could tell from his body language that his shoulders and neck were sore. Just watching him made her stomach tingle. His shoulders were nice and broad and his arms were surprisingly muscular. Margaret wanted to feel those arms around her. It had been a long time since a man had held her.

He turned around and looked at her. "I'm going to get some ice, would you like something?" Hawkeye had seen her watching him and was feeling a little warm. He needed a little room to breathe and cool off.

"No." She told him. "I'm going to freshen up in the bathroom."

"Okay. I'll be back in a few minutes." He picked up the ice bucket and walked to the door. Before he walked into the hallway he turned around to look at her. She was just standing there, smiling innocently at him. With a heavy heart he walked out of the room.

Hawkeye took his sweet time wondering through the halls, looking for the ice machine without much determination. When he decided he'd spent enough time procrastinating he finally filled the bucket and made his way back to the room. Cautiously he turned the doorknob and walked into the room. Margaret was sitting on the couch filing her nails. "Hey." She smiled at him when he walked inside.

"Got the ice." He held up the bucket so she could see and then set it down on the table.

"Thank you." She stood up. For the first time he noticed she was dressed in her yellow silk pajamas. He stood there memorized, the way her hair shimmered against her pajamas made him stand ridged. Margaret walked over to him and flashed him a muscle-clenching grin. "Are you almost ready to go to bed?" She whispered as she neared him and touched his hip, hinting to him. Hawkeye nodded. He seemed to be in some sort of trance.

Suddenly he realized what he had just said. "Wait…..what I meant was….." He stuttered.

"Shhh….." Before he knew what was happening Margaret had wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a silencing kiss. Hawkeye stopped moving and let his hands fall to his sides right before they moved to rest on her hips. At first he kissed her almost timidly, then after a few moments he let his mouth take control and began to kiss her with a new passion. Her hands threaded through his soft hair as his moved along her back. It was the first time they had ever kissed one another like that before, with such a hunger and longing that it was almost unbearable. After a few minutes they blindly and clumsily began to move in the direction of the bedroom.

Hawkeye took one hand off her back and clumsily felt around for the light switch before moving into the other room. Once they were standing at the foot of the large oak bed Margaret pulled away and looked him in the eye. They were both breathing heavily and looking at one another with a growing longing. Without a word Margaret's hands slipped to his shoulders and positioned them under his open shirt. Slowly, she pushed it off his shoulders so it fell to the floor so he was left in a T-shirt. Hawkeye watched silently, letting her do as she pleased. They stood there for a moment looking at one another until Margaret's hands moved to her own shirt.

Carefully, one by one, Margaret began to undo each button slowly. First the top button and then each one after that until they were all undone. Hawkeye's eyes widened when he saw watch she was doing. His eyes searched her face, questioning what to do next. Her hands moved to her shirt as she slowly opened it for him, allowing him to see her naked chest.

Hawkeye moved his hands to hold her shirt open, looking closely at what she was offering up to him. He was lost in the smoothness of her skin and the gentle roundness of her bosom. Slowly and carefully he leaned forward, kissing her chest tenderly. He moved his body in against hers, letting her feel him in return. Margaret's head titled back, encouraging him and giving him more access to her chest and neck.

His hands moved over her chest, memorizing every curve and crevice. They moved to her naked back and then up to her shoulders where her removed her shirt. His lips trailed upwards, kissing her shoulders and neck. Their lips found one another again and they locked in a passionate embrace. Margaret began to pull at his T-shirt, letting him know that she wanted it off. Realizing this, he pulled his mouth away from hers in mild panic. Margaret's lips found his neck and continued to release his shirt from his pants.

Hawkeye looked around the room, he had to find the light switch. She already had the back untucked and was now working on the front. Quickly he pulled her face up and kissed her deeply, causing her to move her hands back to his neck. He took the few steps forward towards the bed and pushed her back gently. Margaret pulled him on top of her, causing him to fall on the bed as well. He took her hands in his and held them above her head as he kissed her. Hawkeye had to keep her from untucking his shirt until he got the light off.

He figured that all he had to was reach the lamp sitting on the bedside table and turn off the switch. Hawkeye knew how to do that. It would put her in the position to finish with his shirt, but hopefully he'd be able to turn the light off before she did so. He kept her busy with his mouth and sensuous kisses as his arms let go of her hands and moved under her arms, pulling her against him. With one quick roll to the left he had her on top him. Instantly as predicted her hands moved to his shirt again. Hawkeye reached out and clicked the light off just as she got it free.

As the darkness enveloped he felt a cool breeze blow across his stomach. Contempt that she couldn't really see anything, he relaxed and raised his arms so she could pull it over his head. Now that he no longer had anything to worry about he relaxed and let himself be pulled into the moment. Margaret kissed his stomach and then his chest. She worked her way up to his neck and then kiss his lips. Hawkeye wrapped his arms around her and they laid like that for a while, just kissing in the darkness.

Hands caressed and groped as lips and tongues fought against each other. Breathlessly, Margaret pulled away from him and moved her hands down his torso. She started loosening his belt as Hawkeye kicked off his shoes and socks. Within moments she had gotten the belt off and started working on his pants.

If felt like an eternity in the time that it to her to pop the button and pull his zipper down. Hawkeye groaned softly and lifted his hips as she slid his pants from his waist and tossed them on the floor. She crawled up his outstretched body and kissed him again. Hawkeye kicked the blankets down further and then rolled them over so he was on top again. With one quick pull he stripped her of her silk bottoms so she was completely naked.

"Hmm….." Margaret breathed when he laid down so their bare bodies were pressed together. "Oh Hawkeye," she moaned and pulled him down to kiss her again.

They spent the whole night discovering each other and getting reacquainted as lovers. After thinking about it for so long, and wishing that it were true, it was hard to except that it was actually happening. That unattainable woman was finally his. No more sleepless nights wishing that she were lying next to him. No more haunting thoughts about her lying in the beds of other men. For the first time in a long time Hawkeye fell asleep exhausted and slept through the night.

Margaret awoke around seven o'clock the next morning. She didn't open her eyes right away, instead she relished in the feeling of lying in his arms. He had been the only man who could make her feel so secure just by holding her. The morning sun was just starting to peer in between the curtains. Margaret opened her eyes and looked up at him. Hawkeye was lying in the middle of the bed with his legs spread and right arm extended. Margaret was pressed up against him with one leg wrapped around his and her head lying on his shoulder.

Margaret let her hand trace down his chest and stomach lazily. It wasn't until she felt something peculiar that she pushed the blankets down and sat up. What she found astonished her. Right above the hairline was a ridged looking scar that ran from his lower stomach to his hip. From the look of it, it had once been very painful. Margaret didn't understand why he hadn't mentioned it before. How could he have neglected to tell her something like that. No wonder he hadn't wanted to take off his t-shirt at the beach.

Margaret leaned forward and kissed it very lightly, hoping not to wake him. She brushed her hand across it and then moved out of his hold completely. Margaret slipped from the bed and walked across the room through the scattered clothes. She slipped on her robe and then left the bedroom to start a pot of coffee.

As soon as she was gone and out of sight, a very disgruntled man sat up among the masses of tangled sheets. His eyes were narrowed and his jaw clenched. He put his hand his side and ran his fingers over the spot where her lips had momentarily touched. With dark eyes and a heavy heart Hawkeye clenched his fist and got out of bed.


	5. Chapter Five

Margaret drew back the dark curtains that covered the wide bay window and looked out upon the dreary day that beheld them. Outside the sky was dark and threatening, quite opposite of the day before. The few trees that scattered the landscape blew merciless in the fierce winds and pounding rain. For everything seeming so wonderful and bright in her mind sight, the day in actuality was cold and dreary. She could hear the sound of thunder in the far distance. Margaret folded her arms, gripping them with her hands, and shuddered at the sound. Civilian life had not cured her of her fear of loud noises.

Margaret walked back to the bedroom in a desperate search for Hawkeye. She stopped before entering the room; from the doorway she could see that the bed was empty. Margaret walked slowly into the bedroom to find he was indeed there, leaning up against the windowpane fully dressed. He too was watching the pouring rain outside.

Silently she made her way over to where he was standing. Moving to stand behind him, she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her face against his back. He didn't acknowledge her presence; he just stood there with his arms folded, looking out the window.

"Are you tired?" She asked him softly as she ran a hand up and down his arm. Hawkeye turned his head then, looking at her over his shoulder. He had been so lost in thought that he had hardly noticed her at all.

"A little." He muttered as he turned his attention back to the window. Margaret planted a kiss between his shoulder blades.

Noticing his reluctance and disinterest she asked, "Is everything alright? You're being awfully quiet." She had thought that after spending their first night together he might be more roguish.

Hawkeye turned around, and in doing so Margaret was forced to let go of him. He gave her a solemn look before moving away and starting to pick up his dirty clothes off the floor. Margaret eyed him carefully as his back was turned to her; his eyes weren't as playful and inviting as they had been the day before. What had happened to the passionate man she had been with last night? She wasn't sure if he was just tired or annoyed.

Margaret took a seat on the end of the bed and watched him as he packed his bag. After a moment or so he lifted his head and looked around the room in search of his missing belt. She had tossed somewhere on the floor, but he didn't have any recollection of where. Margaret found it on the other side of the bed and handed it to him. As he set the bag on the bed she surprised him by wrapping her arms around him and hugging him warmly. Hawkeye stood there ridged with his arms open.

"What are you doing?" He asked her gruffly and lowly as her arms moved up his back. Margaret started kissing his neck and moved her hands around to his chest. Slowly her hands moved down to his pants. As soon as she had popped the button and started working his zipper Hawkeye grabbed her hands and pushed them against her stomach. "No." He said abruptly. He took a few steps away from her and fixed his pants. Hawkeye picked up his bag. "I'm going to check out," he said without looking at her. "I'll meet you at the car." And with that he quickly left the room.

Margaret stood there flabbergasted. All she had done was suggest that they make love one more time before they left. She hadn't expected for him to turn her down so fast or so ferociously. A small pang of anger ran through Margaret as she dressed and packed her bag. He hadn't even kissed her good morning, or said it for that matter. Had he lied to her when he said he loved her? Had she just been another one-night thing for him?

Margaret made sure she had all her belongings and headed outside. He was waiting out front with the car when she walked out the door. When she approached him he looked up from his map and held out his hand for her bag. Margaret handed it to him and walked around and got in on the passenger's side. Hawkeye put her bag in the trunk and then got into the driver's seat. With out a word he revved the engine and they pulled out of the parking lot.

They rode in silence for a while, neither willing to look at the other. After half an hour Margaret looked at him. With her jaw clenched slightly and a touch of anger in her voice she said, "What's the matter with you?"

Hawkeye turned his head and looked at her with confusion. "What?" He asked as if he didn't know what she was talking about. "The matter with me?"

"Back there." She pointed behind them. "What the hell was that all about?" Margaret wanted a hell of a good explanation.

Hawkeye knew what she was referring to. She was mad that he had turned her down and rejected her advances. And even more so, that he had acted so cruelly to her with for apparent reason. Hawkeye gave her a small smile to try and calm her anger. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It was just that we were already running late and wanted to get going."

Margaret eyed him for a moment. She could understand that, she guessed. "If you wanted to go you just had to say so." That still didn't explain why he had been so cold.

"I'm sorry. I guess I was just a little tense. I don't like to get of schedule," he told her sympathetically. Hawkeye hadn't meant to hurt her feelings.

"I understand," she told him with a nod. Then thinking back she said, "You did tell me you wanted to get going earlier." Hawkeye looked at her and smiled. He squeezed her leg warmly. Margaret scooted against him, inviting him to put an arm around her. Hawkeye took a deep breath as he slid an arm casually around her shoulders.

He gripped the steering wheel tighter as he drove. Hawkeye knew he shouldn't have been mad, but he was. He was a man torn between two paths. Either he followed his heart and devoted himself and his emotions to Margaret completely or saved her by the only means he knew. He hadn't anticipating this when he had told her he loved her.

Of course Hawkeye wanted to go with his first choice, he wanted nothing more than to put down his guard and give himself to her freely. If he had been more honest with himself, they probably would have still been back at the hotel making love.

In real life however, not all fairy tales come true. To protect the people you love you have to make certain sacrifices, no matter how great the cost. Margaret meant everything to Hawkeye, whether she chose to believe it or not in the end. The answer was probably not, what woman would want a man like him, a lunatic. Hopefully one day she would understand.

**I don't what's wrong with me. I don't know why I can't be honest with myself. We spent the entire night making love. It was indescribable, everything I've always thought it would be. I'm afraid of myself though. I'm afraid to look her in the eye. **

**I was wrong of me to think that this could work. I love her with my whole heart, but I'm not the man she deserves to be with. I'm being selfish by pulling her along like this when I know she deserves much, much more.**

**I could never be mad at her for what happened this morning. It was bound to happen. I guess I'm angrier with myself more than anything else. How in the world am I going to tell her? How will she ever understand? **

Hawkeye sat ridged and stiff in his seat as he drove. Margaret had fallen asleep against him about thirty minutes ago. That wasn't anything to be uncomfortable about; it was the way she was laying. Her head was resting on his lap and it was causing him to feel immensely uneasy.

**We don't agree on anything and we hardly seem to have anything in common. She's my perfect opposite. I think it is because of that any chemistry between us does not seem plausible.**

**However, making love together is something we do very well. I am not ashamed to say I thoroughly enjoyed doing it. This morning however, I felt like scum. I promised myself that I wouldn't let my emotions get the best of me. I feel like I took advantage of her, as if I've used her for my own release. I'm not mad at Margaret for seeing what she saw, she was probably curious even before we became involved. She must have noticed my unwillingness to take off my shirt.**

**I guess what I'm mad at the most, or rather the person I'm mad at the most is me. I knew deep down that knew this would happen. Of course we were going to end up having sex, of course she was going to see me naked. Why wasn't I strong enough to hold her off and keep my distance? **

These questions continued to run over and over through Hawkeye's head as he drove. Margaret had snuggled closer to him and had since buried her face further into his lap. He moved uncomfortably in his seat, he was finding her presence there very unsettling. Just her touching him made him feel guilty.

Hawkeye didn't want them to get any closer if they already were. Kissing and acting like everything was all right wasn't going to help anything in the end. Every time that they made love it was just going to push the knife in further and further into his chest. Hawkeye knew that he needed to be the one to draw the line. He couldn't continue to take advantage of her.

Margaret was very surprised when she woke up, although not totally objective. The storm outside was still blowing outside, but she felt very safe being so close to him. Waking up next to Hawkeye that morning had been wonderful, she'd never known being in bed with a man could feel so fulfilling. She thought that it was a shame that she had never noticed the way the hair on the back his neck curled at the ends or how his bangs we actually quite long.

His skin tone was just the right shade of tan and his eyes were a dazzling shade of blue. Margaret was right in assuming that he had toned up over the last year. His shoulders and arms were quite muscular along as were his pecks and a few other unmentionable places. She yawned and stretched before sitting up. Between last night and her afternoon nap, it was evident that he had very muscular thighs.

Margaret sat up and wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his neck. "What time is it?" She asked sleepily.

Hawkeye looked at his watch. "Quarter past eleven."

"There's just something about riding in a car that makes me want to sleep." Margaret yawned again. "Although, today I think you deserved most of the credit." She smiled to herself and rubbed her face against his shirt. Hawkeye stiffened when she did that, although he probably couldn't have been any more ridged. Margaret picked nuzzled his neck and jaw. "You know something, I have an idea." She unbuttoned a few more shirt buttons to expose his chest a little bit. "Why don't we stop somewhere for a day or two and just spend some time alone together? I'm not exactly sure what we're going to do when we get home just yet."

"Yeah….." Hawkeye turned his head as a questioned expression spread across his face. What were they going to do when they got home?

"But we'll worry about that when the time comes." She ran a hand across his unshaven jaw. "I like it just being us right now." She kissed his cheek.

Hawkeye arched his back slightly when he felt a hand move down and lift the hem of his shirt. She raked the skin down there lightly with her nails before caressing his lower back lightly. Her fingers moved lower as she started to trace the edge of his pants and then further down to finger the elastic of his boxers. "Margaret please, not now!" He burst out suddenly with a jerk.

Margaret with drew her hand and moved away from him as if she had been burned. His tone was bitter and sharp. "I'm sorry!" She told exclaimed and moved over to the other side of the car.

Margaret sat silently in the passenger side seat. She was leaning against the door with her forehead resting against the window. Outside it was raining just as hard as it had before, if not harder. She turned her head and glanced at him. He had his face resting in the palm of his hand. His hair was messed up and tangled, causing him to look distraught and agitated. A flash of lightening exposed the anguish written across his face.

Another bolt of lightening illuminated the sky once more, but this time it was closer and trailed by a loud boom of thunder. Margaret jumped a foot in the air as the crash sounded. She covered her head with her arms. Hawkeye looked over at her and noticed that she was trembling. He knew she was terrified of loud noises. This one had even startled him.

"Come here." Hawkeye said softly to her. He sat up strait and put a hand on her back, encouraging her to move into his open arm.

Margaret sat there, unmoving. She wasn't sure whether to go or not. He wasn't acting like his normal self. She wasn't sure who this man was; he certainly wasn't the same guy with whom she had taken comfort in last night. With another nerve-racking blast Margaret flung herself into his arm and buried her face in his shirt. She didn't feel proud; he obviously didn't want to be touching her, but Margaret felt helpless. The roaring thunder made her merciless.

The two of them sat like that for a while, neither saying anything. Margaret had her legs curled up on the seat and was huddling against him. They were both looking forward out the windshield, even though the pounding rain had made it nearly impossible to see anything. With each rumble of thunder Margaret clung tighter to him. Hawkeye didn't say anything as she dug her nails into his skin with each crack. And then again, he didn't whisper calming endearments or kiss her hair either.

Eventually after some time Hawkeye pulled into a small roadside restaurant so they could rest and eat dinner. They remained quiet through out most of the meal. Neither talked very much, but they made small conversation and had a tolerable time considering.

Afterwards they found themselves sitting silent and motionless in the car again. Margaret was too tired to fight with him; she was feeling dejected enough as it was. Listening to him growl and reject her was tiring enough, she didn't need any more of it. If he was going to ignore her and refuse to acknowledge what was happening between them, then she didn't want to particularly pay attention to him either.

Hawkeye would look at her from time to time and wonder what she was thinking. She was just sitting there with her arms crossed, looking blankly out the window. It was the first time he'd ever seen her like that, solemn and almost dreary. Hawkeye sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He rubbed his face and scratched the back of his neck with a yawn. "You're getting tired." Margaret said out of nowhere, she didn't even bother to look at him when she said it.

"I'm fine." He told her as he continued to drive.

"Why can't you just admit you're tired and stop for the night?" Her voice gave a little hint of agitation.

"Because I'm not," he said louder. He wasn't ready to stop, especially when she was nagging him.

"Fine, have it your way." She wasn't going to argue with him. Hawkeye sighed and leaned against the window. This was really going to be a long trip.

About an hour later Margaret had fallen fast asleep. They were back to being on opposite sides of the car again, which for some reason that he didn't understand, sort of made him feel a little deflated. Hawkeye looked at his watch, it was past midnight. He looked over at her and watched for a few moments. They had both had enough for one day; she at least deserved to sleep in real bed.

Hawkeye checked into the next hotel they came across. Like the night before, he got one room for them to share. Even if they preferred to sleep alone, neither had the money to pay for two hotel rooms. He walked back out to the car to find she was still sleeping peacefully. Then without waking her, he opened the passenger side door and collected her into his arms. Hawkeye then proceeded to carry her up to the room. After walking up three flights of stairs and fumbling with the room key, he finally got the door open. Without turning on a light he made his way through the living area and into the bedroom.

Without making a sound and without waking her, Hawkeye laid her on the bed. She never moved and she never gave any indignation that she knew what was going on. He sat there for a moment beside her, wondering what to do next. After a few moments he decided to do only what he could. He removed her shoes and socks and set them on the floor. Then very carefully, he took off her jacket and laid it over a chair.

Hawkeye went downstairs and got their luggage and set it by the door. Subsequently doing so he stood in the middle of the bedroom, pondering what to do next. After scratching his head for a few moments he decided to go with the most logical thing that came to mind. He unbuttoned his over shirt and took it off so he was left in a t-shirt and then removed his shoes. Hawkeye took off his watch and belt and set them on the dresser.

Very quietly he eased himself onto the bed. He scooted closer to her so they were lying parallel and laid down with his head resting on his arm. They were lying about two feet apart with their bodies facing once another. He could make out her face in the darkness. Her full lips, her round eyes, her soft skin; it all made him want to reach out and touch her, just to kiss her once. Despite all the emotions and feelings he was having, he found himself aching to hold her like he had done the night before.

If she left him, Hawkeye knew he would never be able to bear it. The past year had been something of a living hell to him. It was his constant thought of her that kept him going till this very moment. He loved her more than anything, he always would; no matter what happened tomorrow.

Margaret awoke feeling very bewildered and confused. One moment she had been looking out the car window, watching the scenery pass by, and the next she was laying in a strange bed, in a room she had never seen before. It was then that the understood what must have happened. However, something had happened that Margaret had not been expecting. Sleeping peacefully with his head on her shoulder was the last person she had been expecting to find. She smiled and closed her eyes, running her fingers through his silky hair. Margaret didn't know what had brought it on, but she was glad regardless. Hawkeye had his arm wrapped around her waist and was holding her tightly.

She thought it was odd that they were still fully clothed, clad in jeans and shirts. They were even lying above the covers on the comforter. None of that really mattered though she decided, she was just glad they were together. After a few minutes she felt him begin to stir. His hand moved up her side and began to caress her rib cage.

Her hand moved to the back of his head. "Hawkeye?" She asked softly, she was very perplexed by what was happening.

He didn't say anything; he only emitted a soft moan against her skin. It was evident that he wasn't fully conscious; this was a little too much like kissing, and he would never have gone for that.

"Ben?" She tried to wake him again when he started kissing her lower neck. She tried to push him away and called out his name again, this time louder. Suddenly he stopped and lay just as still as she. Margaret could feel his hot breath on her neck.

The next thing she knew they were looking at each other with wide expressions on their faces. He looked nearly scared to death. "I'm sorry," he muttered apologetically and quickly moved off her. He sat up and swung his feet over the side of the bed. Margaret watched him for a second; he looked very distraught and ashamed.

Margaret found herself becoming angry at his embarrassment and the distance he had put between them. He shouldn't have been sorry, not if he really loved her. Making love should have been something they didn't have to discuss. He was being stubborn and very cold hearted towards her. "Why are you sorry?" She demanded all of a sudden. Hawkeye didn't look at her; he just stood up and walked around the bed. "Answer me!" She shouted.

He glanced at her then. His eyes studied her for a moment, reading the anger and frustration on her face. Then very calmly he said. "Do you want the shower first?"

Margaret's eyes lit up. How dare he! She clenched her fists; if he came near her she was going to smack him. "You bastard." Her voice was very low and cool through her clenched teeth. Hawkeye didn't say anything; he just continued to stare at her.

"What?" He finally asked. "What did I do?"

Margaret felt her temper hit the mark. "How dare you!" She exclaimed. Margaret got out of bed. She was tired of his bull. After two days she had had enough.

"How dare I what?" He asked loudly with his hands at his sides.

"And I thought I knew you." She hissed with narrowed eyes. "I thought you loved me!" She yelled franticly and aggressively. "But now I come to find it was just some sick game of yours. You haven't changed at all. You're still a drunken, sex addicted, self-obsessed, self abusing, prick!" Margaret started gathering her things. "You only care about your own selfish pleasures, you're too dense to care about other people's feelings!"

"Now just a minute….." He started to say, but Margaret cut him to the quick.

"Is that all I was to you! A quick lay to make you feel more like a man?" She spat curtly. Margaret didn't even wait for a reply. "You son of a bitch." Her voice was icy. Margaret started to put on her socks and shoes.

Hawkeye ran both hands through his hair and slightly growled. "That's not true!" He understood that she was mad, but she being extremely unfair about it.

"The hell it isn't!"

"It's not!"

"You men are all alike. I was stupid to think you were any better than the rest of them!"

"Don't patronize me!" He yelled. "I'm nothing like Donald or Frank!"

"You're just as bad!" She screamed. Then suddenly her voice fell as tears streamed down her cheeks. "I really loved you, I did. And I thought you loved me just as much, but I guess I was wrong." She started to break down.

Hawkeye didn't move, he stood frozen in place as he watched her cry. Even if he tried, she would have never have let him touch her. All he could do was stand there. After a moment she compiled herself and wiped her eyes.

"Where are you going?" He demanded when she put on her jacket and picked up her suitcase.

"I'm going to take a bus back to Boston." She said solemnly as she started to make for the door.

"You can't!" He yelled from behind her.

Margaret set her bag down and turned around to face him. "Why!" She yelled even louder. "I'll be damned if I'm going to sit there and let you abuse me for two weeks."

Hawkeye's blood boiled when she said that. "I never laid a hand on you. You know I would never hurt you!" It made him sick that she would honestly think that.

"But you did!" She cried. "You did when you refused to talk to me and when you refused to touch me!" Then very sturdily she said. "I'd have preferred any beating to that." There was so much anger and disgust in her voice, it made his stomach hurt.

When he didn't say anything she turned around and picked up her bag. She was just about to walk out the door when a strong hand grabbed her arm and pulled her backwards. Margaret turned her head and looked at him with astonishment, he had a steely grip on her upper arm that was actually starting to hurt. She was surprised when she looked into his virtually black, piercing eyes. It scared her a little bit, she had never seen him like that before.

He could tell he was hurting her and immediately let her go. Hawkeye moved so he was standing in front of the door. "I'm not going to let you leave." He said in a very deep, very husky, sounding voice.

"Pierce, get out of my way."

"No."

"I'm leaving. Move!" She said loudly.

"No!" He said even louder.

"If you don't….." She started to warn him.

He cut her off before she could finish. Hawkeye closed the space between them with one step and moved his hands to her face. Before she knew what was happening he was kissing her most passionately. Margaret couldn't react, she didn't know how. It was so unexpected, she just stood there. She could feel so much in the kiss; need, desire, agony, pain. He was kissing her hard, pressing his lips against hers in desperation.

When he finally stopped he didn't let her go. He kept his face close to hers. "I love you." He said weakly and softly. "I need you." His voice was beginning to break. Margaret could feel him holding onto her desperately. When she didn't say anything, he kissed her again and again. "I'm sorry….. I'm sorry….. I'm sorry….." He murmured over and over against her lips.

Margaret didn't know what to do, she was flabbergasted. He was trembling in her arms. "How can I believe you?" She wanted to believe him, she really did. "When even you're afraid to touch me."

"I love you." He kissed her forehead gently as he closed his eyes. "I love you so much. I didn't mean to push you away, hurting you is the last thing I wanted to do." Hawkeye really meant that. "I guess I was just afraid." He whispered against her forehead.

Margaret dropped her bag and put her arms around him. She didn't want to leave him, but she had been prepared to do so if he didn't really love her. His open confession and vulnerability had told her that there really was something wrong, something that was preventing him from being Hawkeye; the loving, caring, sensitive man she used to know.

"Afraid of what?" She didn't understand what he was saying. He had nothing to be afraid of.

Hawkeye didn't say anything. He stood there with his cheek resting on her forehead. She deserved to know everything, it was no use trying to hide it any longer. If she left, she left. Either way he had no choice. If he didn't tell her she would leave anyway.

"I'm afraid….." He started saying. "I'm afraid of losing you." He spoke at a monotone level, all the aggressiveness and all the shame had left his voice.

Margaret lifted her head and forced him to look at her. His eyes were swollen and puffy, there was a lost expression spread across his face. He wasn't making any sense. Was he honestly saying that his distance and fragility was all due to his fear of losing her? If anything, all those things were sure to drive her away, and that obviously wasn't what he wanted. "I don't understand." She told to him.

Hawkeye looked away when said that. "You shouldn't be here with me," he said lowly.

"But I thought you just said….."

"Want and place are two entirely separate things." He moved out of her arms. Margaret watched as he walked over to the window. It was still blustery outside.

Margaret had no idea what he was talking out. She joined him beside the window. "There isn't any place I'd rather be." She told him solemnly. Margaret was starting to become a little scared, he was acting almost schizoid. His moods and attitudes were changing to quickly.

Hawkeye didn't look at her. He turned his back to her and started walking in the opposite direction. "It doesn't matter if you want to be here of not." He said.

"What do you mean, if I want to be here or not?"

He turned his head and looked at her with a mournful face. "I don't deserve you." He said barely above a whisper. Hawkeye sat down on the coffee table in the middle of the room. Her buried his face in his hands.

"Oh, Hawkeye." Margaret stood up and went to him. "If anything, I don't deserve you." She pulled his hands away from his face so she could see his eyes.

"No…..no…..no….." He repeatedly shook his head with his eyes clenched shut.

"I'm the one who doesn't deserve to be with you." She told him again. "You need to understand that."

"No!" He stood up suddenly. Franticly he pulled off his T-shirt. "Don't you see this?" He pulled down the waist of his pants so she could see his scar.

"Because of your scar?" She asked. "Honey, I don't care about that." She was curious of course, but if he didn't want to tell her than she wasn't going to push him.

"I don't deserve you." He muttered again as he walked into the bedroom.

"Hawkeye….." She called after him as she followed.

"I'm not the same man you knew in Korea." He said quickly, his back was still to her. "That joke of a doctor is gone, he's never coming back." Her heart broke at his confession. "I'm a terrible person Margaret." His chin dropped against his chest.

She watched him for a moment, he looked absolutely dreadful. "I'm sure things look like that now, but if you just give it time….."

"You don't understand!" He cried, suddenly looking at her.

"Why? Why don't I understand?" He was breathing hard, she could tell he was trying not to break down. When he didn't answer she asked again. "Pierce!"

"Because!" He yelled back.

"Because why!" He was getting upset, that was good. The more excited she got him, the more willingly he would tell her.

"Because…..because….." He couldn't say it.

"Because why!" She yelled louder.

Finally something snapped and he lost it. "Because I deserved it!" He yelled. The room fell silent and they looked at each other. Hawkeye's eyes were fluttering, there were unshed tears threatening to fall. His lips started to quiver, as did his hands. "I deserved it." He whispered in a much weaker tone. That look was breaking her heart; she'd never seen anything so sad in her life. He was just standing there, staring at her. She watched as he slowly sank to floor at the foot of the bed. He buried his face in his hands. "It's all my fault." He whispered, his voice started to trail. "It's all my fault."

Margaret sat down beside him and pulled him onto her lap. He was crying very quietly, streams of tears running down his face. Hawkeye hugged her to him and buried his face in her chest, clinging to her like a small child would his mother. She rubbed his back soothingly as she let a cheek come to rest on the top of his head. He was shaking silently in her arms, not from the crying, but from sheer exhaustion and guilt.

After a while he started to calm down. He had stopped crying and was just lying peacefully in her arms. Quick flashes of painful memories were running through his mind, images of things he would have been more than happy to forget. Hawkeye's eyes started to droop. She was scratching the back of his neck in a most soothing way. He was so tired of fighting; all he wanted to do was forget everything and just lull in her arms.

"Tell me what happened after I left for the 8063rd. I've always wondered how you guys parted ways." They were lying on the bed now facing one another. Hawkeye was looking off into space as she fingered his collarbone. Margaret figured it was an innocent enough question; it would be good to get him talking about something easy.

He looked at her then, looking as if he had just realized she was in the same room. "After who left?"

"Me. What happened to you? How did you get home?" She restated for him.

"What happened….." He was trying to think of that day again. It was hard to forget how it hurt when they all said goodbye and how surreal everything had seemed when he walked into his first American airport. "Well, we all said goodbye and parted ways. BJ and I were the last ones to leave. I'm not sure how he got to his plane, I'm guessing he rode that motorcycle."

"How about you?"

"I took a chopper. I met a transport plane at an airfield about thirty minutes south," he reminisced. "It was the longest seventeen hours of my life." Hawkeye was talking about the plane ride home. "I kept thinking about the past three years and everything that we went through. I thought about BJ and Colonel Potter. Charles, Klinger, Radar and Trapper." He gave a small laugh. "I even thought about Frank." Margaret chuckled softly as well. "But most of all, I thought about you. I wanted to tell you before you left that I loved you, but after that kiss, I couldn't bring myself to say it."

Margaret didn't say anything to that. She smiled slightly to herself and moved closer to him, touching her forehead to his. "And then what?"

"I can't describe what happened when I got off that plane." The emotions had been overwhelming. Margaret nodded, she understood how he felt. "And when I saw my father standing there, with that look in his eyes….." He stopped for a moment as the memories washed over him. Seeing his father again was indescribable. "The next thing I knew we were hugging, I don't even remember him walking over to me." He told her.

Margaret had to keep him talking if she wanted to get to the root of his enigma. "What happened next?" She urged him on.

"Well," he began. "We went home." He said merely and justly.

"That must have been nice." Margaret had heard him speak of Crabapple Cove with such exuberance during the war; every other word out of his mouth had expressed his eagerness to go home. She would have thought he would have been slightly more excited to talk about his first moments home.

"Yeah, in a way I suppose it was." He sighed.

"Why is that?"

"There were a bunch of reasons. We drove home that night to a yard full of people. I had been looking forward to climbing the stairs to my old room and just falling asleep, but they had other plans. Everyone from town was there, all our family and all our friends. I was mobbed as soon as I got out of the car."

"Was it a nice party?" Margaret asked him.

"It was okay. I would have preferred not to have had it though." He shrugged his shoulders. After a long trip, a party wasn't something he had wanted.

"Why is that?"

"In the beginning I felt very trapped. Between the crowds of people touching me and hugging me, I could feel that familiar pain in my chest starting to build."

"Your claustrophobia." Margaret confirmed. She had wondered how he had faired on the plane trip home. Perhaps that's why he drove to California.

"Yes." He said. "And when I wasn't being horded with questions or kissed or prodded, I felt like the loneliest man on the earth. There I was, standing against a wall in the hallway, watching as strange faces passed me by. I couldn't place a single one, they all looked the same to me." Margaret hugged him tighter, she wished she could have been there with him, she knew what it was like, the same thing had happened to her. "Everyone wanted to know about Tommy and how he died. They wanted to know how many men I'd seen die and if I'd been lucky enough to knock one or two 'Reds' off myself." Hawkeye's voice was very cold and sharp, disgust coated every syllable as he spoke. "I couldn't speak, I knew if I did I wouldn't have stopped until I had resorted each and every one of them to their knees. The people I had once knew and loved, suddenly felt like strangers." He was silent for a moment. "I ended up sleeping on the floor that night. When I woke up the next morning I had no idea where I was. For some silly reason I had expected to wake up in the Swamp."

"It's not silly darling." Margaret said, kissing his forehead. "I think we all felt like that when we got home." She touched that back of his neck.

"I slept on the floor the entire week." Hawkeye said as he stared off into space again. "The bed was just too soft." It was silly really, preferring a hard little cot to a nice big bed.

Margaret decided to be brave and take a chance. "But that's not why you haven't been sleeping."

Hawkeye looked her in the eye for the first time that afternoon. "No." She felt herself breathe a sigh of relief. "Up until two days ago, I hadn't been able to sleep an entire night through."

Margaret smiled lovingly at his confession. "Me neither darling, me neither." She held him closer.

Hawkeye placed a hand on her hip when she moved slightly closer to him. "That first morning back though, that was probably the most I've slept without you. I didn't fall asleep until three and didn't wake up until six o'clock the next evening. I stayed in the shower for an eternity before getting out. The hardest part though, was getting dressed," he told her. "During the war I just had to find a clean shirt and put it on. Suddenly I had a whole chest of drawers. It was overwhelming."

"I know what you mean." Margaret nodded. "I had the same trouble, seeing as how I was no longer in the Army. It was hard to be honest." Her expression dropped then.

Hawkeye sighed. "Being home wasn't everything I had hoped it would be. I suddenly felt like an outsider in my own town. Everywhere I'd go, people would stare and whisper. They didn't think I heard them, but I did."

"What did they say?" She was curious. He'd always talked about them being such a nice group of people.

"How I'd changed. Something about having been brainwashed and losing my mind. I guess in a way I did."

"Oh no." He was referring to his little episode with the baby. "No honey, that wasn't your fault. There's nothing wrong with you."

"Yes there is."

"No, don't say that."

"Margaret you don't understand." He rolled onto back. "You couldn't possibly know."

Margaret wished he wouldn't do that. He knew she couldn't read his mind. "Then why don't you enlighten me." She told him. Hawkeye didn't say anything, he just lay there looking up at the ceiling. "Pierce, why do you think I'm the enemy?" She demanded as she moved away from him. "You think that I'm here to judge you, when all I want is to be closer to you." Margaret sat on the edge of the bed. "I'll love you for as long as I live, but if you can't be honest and open with me, then I can't be in a relationship with you."

Hawkeye looked at her and could tell she was hurting just as much he was. It wasn't fair for him to hurt her anymore than he already had. In fact, he felt terrible that she had to threaten to leave for him to finally make up his mind. All he had to do now was tell her. Hawkeye sat up and moved so he was sitting behind her. He wrapped his arms around her and sighed. "You're right." He said. "I should be able to tell you anything."

"You should." She was still talking in her 'Major Houlihan' ensemble.

"I'm not a good person Margaret. I don't even know why you bother with me."

She turned so she was facing him. "I bother with you because I love you."

Hawkeye lowered his eyes and looked at the bedspread. "Even if I've done something unforgivable?" He was lost in his own thoughts.

"What are you talking about?" She turned and tried to get him to look at her, but he wouldn't. "Hawkeye?"

"I'm a marked man." He whispered. "You've been sleeping with a backslider."

"A what? That's silly….." He was talking nonsense.

"Margaret!" He raised his voice. Suddenly it died down. "I broke my Hippocratic oath." He said softly as he looked at the wall.

Margaret touched his arm. "What?"

Hawkeye turned his head and looked at her with a blank stare. "Someone's dead, and it's all my fault. Instead of preventing it, I was the cause."

Margaret searched his eyes, looking for that familiar twinkle that told her was joking. He had to be kidding, Hawkeye could never…..he would never…..no, it wasn't possible….. "What?" Margaret had the blankest expression on her face that he'd ever seen.

Hawkeye looked away and added. "I'm sorry." His head dropped down dejectedly. "I told you…..I'm a…..a terrible person." He stood up unexpectedly, putting as much distance between them as possible.

Margaret's heart was racing in a mild panic. He couldn't just leave it off like that. "What are you talking about?" She questioned him as he walked across the room. Her expression didn't change as she watched him light a newly appeared cigarette.

"I don't know where to begin." He said in a somewhat calmer disposition. Apparently the cigarette seemed to have done something for him.

"How about the beginning." She offered as she watched him curiously. Margaret had seen him smoke before, but that was a long time ago.

Hawkeye turned his head and asked curiously. "Do you really want to know? I would have figured you'd have been gone already." His once frightened and childlike demeanor had changed instantly into one more cynical. Then in a more sardonic voice he added. "If you still want to, I promise I won't stop you this time."

Margaret suddenly felt as if someone had added the last piece to the puzzle. Now she knew why he'd been afraid to talk to her. "That's what's been bothering you all this time isn't it?" She picked up his wallet off the nightstand and leafed through it. Surprisingly, it only held his driver's license and a few dollars. He probably had a checkbook somewhere in the car. "You're not running away from what happened." She set his wallet down and looked at him, confidence written across her face. "You're running away from me aren't you?" He looked at her and their eyes met. Margaret found herself becoming slightly angry, he wasn't saying anything. "You didn't trust me, or trust my feelings for you. You had me figured before we even reunited, didn't you?"

Hawkeye's only response was to let a cloud of smoke escape through his mouth. He wasn't sure how to respond to that. What woman would want to have a relationship with a man like that? Of course he pegged her in advance.

Margaret didn't take his silence as an objection. "Well let me tell you something Benjamin." She emphasized his given name. "Relationships are built on trust. If you think you know me, if you think you have me all figured out, then you've got another coming!" Where had this doubt and self-affliction come from, Margaret didn't know. Hawkeye had always been a pretty trusting person.

"Well." He stubbed his cigarette out in a near by ashtray. "What was I supposed to think? Few women find homicide very attractive."

Margaret cringed when he said that word, she didn't believe that he had actually killed someone. Hawkeye saw how much it disturbed her; even if she would never admit to it. "Maybe you should try me first." Margaret managed to say calmly. "It's not really fair if I don't know what happened."

Hawkeye nodded, he knew he had to tell her the whole story. "I know, and that's why you're going to." He took a seat on the end of the bed. Margaret expected him to immediately start talking, but only sat there.

"Well….." Margaret asked anxiously when he didn't say anything.

She heard him take a deep breath and then sigh. Just thinking about it made his gut wrench. "Things were never the same after I came home." Hawkeye started off saying very quietly. "Everywhere I went people starred and whispered as I walked by. They didn't think I knew what they said, but I did. 'Did you hear about Benjamin Pierce? I heard that he lost his nerve, just couldn't handle the stress of war.' 'I heard that he was taken prisoner by the other side.' 'Did you know that they locked him up? Should have thrown away the key in my opinion.' I don't know where they got their ideas from, I never told anyone about what happened during the war, not even my father. The Ben Pierce that they had known and loved was gone, and the only logical benefactor was the war. There was no one else to blame. "

"Women didn't seem to excite me anymore liked they used to. I guess it didn't help that I already had my heart set on someone. Despite my objections they remained relentless, cornering me whenever they had the chance. I should have been delighted at all the women offering to bed me, but instead I felt the direct opposite. I rarely left our property and didn't talk to many people. When I did, it was always something about the weather or how the fish were biting. We just never had anything in common to talk about, my best friends were thousands of miles away."

Margaret scooted closer and picked up his hand. She gave it a tender squeeze. Being an Army Brat she'd always felt like she had missed something moving from place to place and not having a home town, but she never thought about living up to a lifelong image. She understood what he meant by missing his friends though, Margaret thought about the people from the 4077th all the time. On top of that, being away from Hawkeye for so long, and never being able to tell him how she felt, that just made the pain worse.

"After a couple weeks, I realized there was nothing left for me in Crabapple Cove. I wasn't any help to my father and his practice or to anyone else. I wasn't a fisherman or a farmer, and I certainly wasn't a doctor. So one day I just left. I packed my bag, said goodbye to my father, and just drove."

"Where did you go?"

"New York." Hawkeye lay back on the bed and rubbed his eyes.

"New York? What's there?" Margaret sat and watched him as he stretched. She was happy he was starting to open up to her. Hopefully once everything was out in the open, their relationship would grow into one more intimate.

"Family." He looked up at her from his back. "My mother's family." Hawkeye's voice was especially soft. "I didn't have a reason to go anywhere else. At least there I had someone."

"You had someone in Boston." She touched his arm. Hawkeye picked up her hand and kissed it.

"If only I would have known how you felt." He grinned. "Besides, I had no idea you'd be back so soon, or even where you settled. I thought about going back to Boston, but knowing that Charles and Trapper were there, I just didn't think it was a good idea."

"I wouldn't either." Seeing how he was trying to put Korea behind him, those two would have only made things harder on him.

"I think New York was good for me." Hawkeye said rolling more onto his side. "Being able to get lost in the big crowds, I think that's really what did the most good. Instead of being singled out I was just another face being pulled along in the current. I didn't think about the war, I didn't think about the pain, I didn't think about those fools all sitting high back in Maine, I simply didn't think about anything."

"That's why no one ever heard from you." Margaret voiced. She'd just realized that they'd been looking for him when he hadn't wanted to be found. "You didn't want to talk to any of us."

Hawkeye nodded. "I didn't want to think about the war. I didn't want to think about anyone." Margaret gave him a sad smile. "But I did think about you a lot. I thought about how much I wanted to be with you, how much I wanted to hold you and tell you I loved you." Margaret leaned down and kissed him softly. When he held open his arms to her she laid down beside him with her back against his chest. Hawkeye put an arm around her and started to speak again. "I did a lot of walking then. Sometimes for hours on end. There were days when I'd ride the ferries back and forth until it got dark or spend my time walking through the toy stores in Manhattan. I know that might sound odd, a grown man spending all his time in toy stores, but there was just something comforting about it." Margaret didn't necessarily think there was something wrong with it; she just wondered how he found the time. What about working, how did he manage to get by if he wasn't operating? "Things were like that for a while. Nothing dramatic really happened my first few weeks there. Then one day my cousin announced that she was getting married."

Hawkeye hadn't sounded very enthused when he said that. Usually marriages were happy occasions. "You didn't sound very happy when you said that."

He shook his head. "It was only the beginning."

"The beginning of what?"

"A long year. Marrying him was the worst thing that Angela ever did. It was then that all the trouble started." Hawkeye sighed and propped himself up on an elbow.

"Trouble?" Margaret asked.

"Well, for starters, his name was Jack Thomas." Hawkeye's fists tightened when he said that. "He worked for a small marketing corporation in the city. None of us were ever very fond of him. He just had a quality that turned people off. I didn't like him from the start." He clenched his jaw. "Anyway, when they got married no one from his family came to the wedding."

Margaret could hardly believe that. How could that happen? "No one?" She asked in disbelief. Hawkeye shook his head. "But how could that be? Why?"

His eyes locked on the floor again. "Because." He said very indignantly. "My mother's family is Italian." Margaret's eyes widened, what the hell kind of reason was that? Hawkeye caught her confusion. "It's a disgusting reason I know." He agreed. It made his blood boil just to think about it.

Margaret shook her head. "Some people….."

"On top of that. The bride was eight months pregnant." Margaret looked at him in surprise.

"So they had to get married," she figured.

Hawkeye nodded. "Basically." His hand was stroking her hip and his eyes were following. "It was a nice wedding though." He didn't look up. "No one really missed them." She smiled at that. "The time up until the birth of their son was fine, but when John was born something changed in Jack. He became controlling, constricting..." His voice trailed off. "Until one day he just...snapped." He raised his gaze. "He beat her." Donald had hurt Margaret very deeply when he cheated on her, but he had never laid a hand on her. "Bruises...her face, arms, back..."

"Oh my," Margaret choked out.

"It wasn't the first time," he told her. "He'd hit her once or twice before. He apologized, said he was sorry, said he loved her." Hawkeye's voice was filled with disgust.

"Of course he did."

Grimly he nodded. "I was at my Aunt's when I found out. Her sister picked up the phone, Eve was crying hysterically. She couldn't understand what she was saying so she passed it off to me." He had that far off look in his eyes again. "He'd even hit Nicky..."

"My Lord," Margaret gasped. The notion was inconceivable. Hawkeye sat on the edge of the bed and wrung his hands in anguish.

"She had bruises everywhere, all over her face and chest. And that sweet little kid..." Margaret had never seen him so upset. His jaw was stiff and his eyes were narrowed in a way that almost scared her. She had seen him angry before, but it was nothing like this. "I didn't know where to go or what to do, I was just too angry to sit there."

Margaret moved closer to him and rubbed his arm. "What happened?" She asked softly.

"I was furious, blinded by overwhelming rage. Without thinking I stood up and left. I went to their apartment building looking for him." Hawkeye was talking very quickly now. "I was walking up the first flight of stairs when I heard footsteps above me. When I stopped walking, the footsteps stopped. I stood without moving for a moment, listening for them to continue. I leaned over the railing and looked up, only to see that all too familiar face looking back down at me. He started running up the stairs as soon as he saw me. I chased after him for six flights and grabbed him by the back of his jacket. He tried to knock me down, but I pushed him forward and into the wall. I was punching and kicking him with such hatred, all I could think about was hurting him like he had hurt them." Hawkeye grew silent again. He was replaying the images of that night in his mind.

Margaret scooted closer to him and put her arms around him in a comforting embrace. Hawkeye reciprocated and hugged her to him. "What happened next?"

"We struggled," Hawkeye said with a blank demeanor. "He hit me a few times, but he was the one to give out first." Hawkeye touched his cheek where the other man had struck him. "I sat against the wall for a few minutes, sipping the bottle of vodka I had kept in my coat pocket. When I felt that I could stand I stood up and started making my way back down the stairs," he told her. "Suddenly I heard a shuffling behind me. He grabbed the back of my coat as I was turning around. I struggled to get him off me, but he held on tighter. Finally I swung around and elbowed him in the side." Hawkeye looked down suddenly. "He lost his balance and grabbed hold my coat to stable himself, but that only caused us both to fall. I fell back down the stairs and hit my head…..Jack went over the rail."

Margaret gasped. She covered her mouth with her hand. "Did he….."

Hawkeye still wouldn't look at her. He lowered his head to avoid making eye contact. "He fell seven stories."

She gasped again, this time tears streamed down her face. "Oh Hawkeye." Margaret embraced him again and pulled him close. Hawkeye hugged her back. She started to cry softly on his chest. The loss of human life was always a tragic thing, even when it involved the worst of people.

"I don't remember anything after that," he said softly. "The fall had knocked me unconscious. I was still lying on the landing when the police arrived."

Margaret lifted her head. "They didn't arrest you did they?" It wasn't his fault the other man had fallen. He hadn't pushed him. They'd fought and Hawkeye had given him sound beating, but nothing more. After all, Jack had gotten up and attacked him while his back was turned. Hawkeye had probably been unconscious even before Jack hit the floor.

"No, they didn't arrest me," he told her. "They didn't have any witnesses." Hawkeye grew silent again. He turned his back to her. "All though, they probably should have. God knows I deserved it," he said with a sorrowful sigh.

She felt a pain in her chest when he said that. "Oh no!" Margaret touched his back. "Hawkeye….." This was what had been bothering him the whole time.

"It's my fault he's dead." He turned around to look at her, his eyes reflected the pain in his tone. "I practically pushed him over the side." A couple of silent tears streamed down his face. Margaret pulled him into her arms and cradled his head in her hands. "It's my fault….." He murmured as he began to break down. "It's all my fault. I killed him." That's when Hawkeye lost it. He started to cry openly on her chest, his tears soaking through her shirt. Margaret gathered as much of him into her arms as she could and rubbed his back.

"No, it was an accident. It wasn't your fault," she whispered into his hair as her eyes too began to tear.

"It's my fault…..it's all my fault." He wept, his arms wrapped firmly around her waist.

Margaret didn't think for minute that it was Hawkeye's fault that the other man had fallen. He had lost his balance due to his advance and caused them both to fall. No wonder he wasn't acting like himself. He had expecting Margaret to hate him as much as he hated himself.

One thing still bothered her however, where had he gotten that scar?


	6. Chapter Six

Life is a lot like the weather. Things can change from sunny to overcast without a moments notice. It beats you down and soaks you, pushes you in every direction except the one you really want to go, and leaves you cold and battered before it's done. And then one day the darkness parts and sun comes out, and you just know that everything's going to be all right.

Margaret hummed softly to herself as she drove. It was a cloudless day, much unlike the one before. The day before had been a nasty one, with gusts of wind and pounding rain. Brief flashes of lightning illuminated a dark and dreary day; a day filled with despair and lost hopes. A soft breeze caressed her face and shoulders as her hair blew lightly in the wind. The sun shone bravely, casting an over shadow on the passing landscape as they drove. She held her hands at ten and twelve, gazing daringly at the road ahead of her.

Beside her, her lover lay sleeping peacefully. His thick hair blew easily in the wind, its long fingers running gracefully combing it. The sun illuminated his face in its upturned form, refining the gentleness and dexterity that she had come to love. In the midst of all that darkness a spark had exalted, kindling the hope that was still held between them. For a while there, Margaret had been prepared for the time when the lights would go out on them for good, but she never lost her hope. In her heart she knew that he loved her, it was just a question of how much she loved him.

"How much gas is left?" The sudden dexterity and grinding in his voice caused her to look over her shoulder at him.

Margaret glanced at him through the sides of her glasses and a gentle smile came across her face. His head was tilted towards her, his eyes were barely open. He was waiting for her to answer him. "We can go for a little longer," she reassured him.

Hawkeye closed his eyes, satisfied with her answer for the moment, and relaxed once more against the seat. "Don't wait too long," he spoke softly.

Margaret let his words fly past her, he was just being paranoid. She knew what she was doing. "Let me worry about the everything. You just relax and let me do the driving," she patted his leg amusingly.

They drove for another few hours, most of which Hawkeye slept through. He was restless for the most part, which in turn worried Margaret. The few times he woke up he didn't speak, he just sat there, watching the scenery pass by. She wished she knew what he was thinking, that she could see what he was seeing and hear what he wasn't saying. At last she finally sanctioned him to sit closer to her, she was thankful it didn't take much persuasion. The only persuasion he required was the encouragement of her outstretched arm.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Margaret leaned against the car, watching as he checked the spark plugs and then screwed the distributor cap back on. "Will you tell me something?" Margaret asked him quietly as she watched.

Hawkeye looked up, settling his gaze upon hers. A small smile played across his lips. He couldn't help but smile; she had such an accentuated look on her face. "It depends on what it is." He shut the hood and pulled a rag out from his back pocket and began wiping his hands off.

"I think you know." Her eyes were playful, yet incredibly threatening.

Hawkeye laughed lightly and walked past her. He threw the rag into the back seat and picked up a bottle of water he'd left sitting in the driver's seat. "Is it really that important?"

Margaret caught his arm and pulled him close. "Please, I'm curious."

He turned and let himself be caught. "All right," he stopped resisting and let her draw him closer.

Her upper lip curled slightly, "Well?"

Hawkeye pretended to consider whether or not to tell her. He knew she hated it when he procrastinated. She'd been asking him postwar questions all morning. He was convinced now that she was doing it to purposely drive him crazy. "Fine, three days," he finally succumbed.

"Three days?" She laughed. That was a little hard to believe. Margaret hadn't lasted three hours, let alone three days.

He set the bottle down on the hood and gave into her persistence, slipping his arms around her waist. "Are you mocking me?" He asked.

Idly she started scratching at the underside of his right scapula, it was her way of subconsciously loosening him up. He was so tense. "Not at all, I just can't believe that you waited so long."

"It just wasn't a priority at that time." He shifted closer, pressing their bodies together.

Margaret's breathing quickened a little at their sudden contact. "What couldn't you have possibly put off for twenty minutes?" She knew he was aware of the effect he was having on her.

"I was sleeping."

She wasn't sure whether or not to completely believe that, then again look whom she was with. He could be pretty listless when he wanted, especially when it came to sleeping. "You slept for three days?" Her voice gave the notion that she didn't believe him.

"Well, not everyone was entitled to a commercial plane ride from Tokyo," he told her. "I spent two days in the back of an Army transport plane." Margaret was curious as to how he knew that she'd gone to Japan from the 8063rd. Then again, she was growing accustomed to his unusual lore.

"You've stood longer during surges."

"Yes, but this was after wounded and that all night party we had."

Margaret smiled amusingly and pressed her face into his chest. His shirt was warm and smelled of old heat and basil, a purely Hawkeye smell. "Ah, that explains it. Not only were you tired, but you were hung over," she said against his chest with a grin.

"You don't sound very sympathetic," he told her, knowing what she was doing.

Margaret picked up her head and looked up at him, "You are such a man." She gave him a disbelieved look. "I had just as little sleep as you and I still had to assist with a second tare down."

"Just because I wasn't ordered to go doesn't mean I wasn't exhausted." He wasn't putting up much of a fight, he knew how badly she wanted to duel with him, but it was more fun when he withheld. At least this way he could still get his point across.

"Is sleep all you think about?" She inquired.

His face looked too relaxed for her restlessness, it was just impelling her, and Hawkeye knew that. "No," he said rather nonchalantly.

"So then what is it? Since you obviously don't eat or shower."

His face was expressionless and hard to read as his eyes moved over her face. "I think about you."

That phrase completely caught her off guard, she hadn't been expecting that at all. Margaret smiled at him adoringly. She put her hand on the back his neck and kissed him affectionately. They kissed ardently several times. "That's the best answer you've given me all day."

"Well you did set yourself up."

She smiled again, "Come on, I'm starving." She kissed him again and then slid off the hood of the car. Hawkeye picked up his water and the paper bag sitting beside it. Margaret grabbed his hand and pulled him through the grass. They sat down at a picnic table in the shade.

"You had onions on yours didn't you?" Hawkeye asked as he laid the contents of the bag out on the table. Margaret nodded. They'd stopped off at the last food joint they'd seen and gotten a couple of sandwiches to go. With it being such a nice day and all, Margaret thought it would have been nice to stop and eat elsewhere. "Here honey," he handed her an unwrapped sandwich.

Margaret's face flushed at the endearment, "Thank you."

Hawkeye opened another glass bottle of water; he set it down on the table in front of her. He looked down at his own sandwich sitting in front of him. "You know what would make this even better?" He asked her.

"Chocolate cake?" She tried to keep the corners of her mouth from turning up. They'd had a similar 'shower' conversation in the car over that very thing.

Hawkeye smiled when he caught on. "Chips," he emphasized.

Margaret looked at her sandwich; it looked more like a hoagie. She didn't think she'd be able to finish it, let alone chips. "I doubt I'll even make it through this, let alone something else."

He chuckled and picked up his sandwich, "Chocolate cake is too fattening anyway." He knew how much she loved that.

Margaret was in the midst of chewing when he said that, for her lack of words she glared at him and narrowed her eyes. Hawkeye smiled gaily at her loss of words, he knew she was dying for a comeback. Once the chance became available Margaret said, "Are you insinuating something?"

Hawkeye shook his head defensively. "Not at all."

"Because if you are, you can forget about seeing anything ever again."

Hawkeye shrugged his shoulders dissuasively. "I didn't see anything the first time, I turned off the light remember?" Margaret kicked him under the table, she knew what he suggesting. "Ow, I was kidding! You're beautiful, you know I think so."

"You better," she told him.

Hawkeye leaned over the table on his elbows. "I think you're gorgeous," he told her sincerely.

Margaret couldn't help but smile, she was never going to get used to that. "You're pretty okay yourself." Hawkeye didn't say anything, he just smiled and leaned over and kissed her. "That reminds me." She didn't want it to sound obvious, but she couldn't help but be inquisitive. "You told me we were stopping somewhere for a couple of days, but you never elaborated further."

Hawkeye took a sip of water, "That's right."

"Well, aren't you going to tell me?" She was very anxious. No more getting up early and traveling all day in the car. They were finally going to be given the chance to just be together. Margaret was looking forward to spending some time alone with him.

He took a bite of his sandwich, "You're just going to have wait and see."

"That's going to be a little hard to do, seeing as how I'm driving," she reminded him cheekily.

Hawkeye produced a set of keys; he jingled them in the air. "You were saying?"

Lunch took a lot longer than either one of them had expected it would. That was probably because they spent most of the time pent up in a solicitous argument. Hawkeye let her win that one; he felt he owed it to her. He sat and watched her as she finished her sandwich; and she said he was a picky eater. "Is there any water left in that?" She pointed to the bottle sitting in front of him. Hawkeye handed it over. He watched as she finished off the last of it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hawkeye was an indescribable person, beyond comparison and indisputable. He was discerning and consuming, revering and beguiling. There was something fearsome within that calm demeanor, something attracting and compulsive. He was like a drug, addictive and enhancing.

The mountain scene was a big change from the flat landscape of California and Utah. Colorado was drastically different, yet in some way remotely familiar. It had that same secluded feeling, that feeling that made you feel alone and disillusioned. She could see why he'd chosen to come here; it was quiet and spacious. People had the habit of suffocating him; obstacles had a way of ill proportioning. In wide-open spaces he could be the shadow in the distance.

He had mentioned they were staying somewhere secluded for a few days, but he had never elaborated on the subject. Margaret had guessed they were going to be staying someplace slightly more intimate than a Best Western, but she had no idea he had this in mind. He said the cabin belonged to a friend of his whom only made it back that way maybe once or twice a year, everything had been prearranged, she had no reason to feel intrusive or uncomfortable. The only thing that got Margaret was that she couldn't remember him making any sort of arrangements, especially with how things had gone the last couple of days, and she was pretty sure that it hadn't been his intention to bring Trapper to a cabin in the mountains.

Margaret finished unpacking her suitcase, placing the last of her clothes in the chest of drawers. She pushed the drawer closed, taking a moment to run her hand across the fine cedar wood. The grain felt smooth against her palm and fingertips. "What are you thinking about?" The voice was calm and sullen behind her. He had just come in from chopping wood for the fire. Outside it was beginning to rain, the soft pitter-patter could be heard against the roof.

She turned, meeting his gaze. He was leaning against the wall opposite of her, standing in a dark shadow that had been cast by the curtains of the open window. "Can I ask you something?" She didn't want to come across as being shoddy or insinuative, that was the last thing she wanted to do.

Despite the darkness of the room, she could still see the dauntless look in his eyes. "Go ahead," he spoke in a subdued manner.

Margaret ran her hand over the wood again. "You wouldn't lie to me, would you?" She looked back at him, giving him an open and completely earnest look.

His gaze fixated on her face momentarily. He appeared to be a little hurt at the accusation. "No," he told her softly.

She studied his demeanor, noting the folded arms and concentrated gaze. "Have you been honest with me?"

His disposition didn't seem to change, well not that she could tell. He was looking at her with a steady fixation, one that made her feel somewhat uneasy. After a long moment he offered an asinine and slightly agitated, "Yes."

She could tell from his inclination that the question bothered him. Those eyes were so dark. Her objective hadn't been to insult him, and she was afraid she had, but she couldn't let the presented opportunity slip away. He had made such a stand the night before; she couldn't pretend that it hadn't happened. There were so many unsaid things between them. "There's something we need to talk about."

He stood motionless, searching her face with intensity and a curious uncertainty. Those caliginous eyes, that furrowed brow, it was hard to know what he was thinking. After a long moment of silence he spoke, "BJ told you, didn't he?"

She searched his face, looking for an insight into what he was thinking. He was still starring at her with a fixed expression. "Yes."

Hawkeye was standing with his arms folded across his chest; he was looking at her with a certain peculiarity. His expression neither revealed belligerence or unconstraint. "I should have known," he murmured softly.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" She asked calmly.

Hawkeye had a cool air about him. "You already knew, what more is there to tell?"

Feeling equally defensive she said, "If we're going to build a relationship, we have to be open with one another."

"Open?" He unfolded his arms and stood up. "You want me to be open about something you all had a meeting over?" He was very well aware of their colloquium. His eyes narrowed and he looked at her shrewdly. "Something that no one had the right to know in the first place?"

"We should be able to tell each other anything," she told him. "Have you already forgotten about last night?" His eyes seemed to illuminate at her words. "Do you even really love me?"

He was quiet for a moment. His face had softened and he was looking at her with a somber expression. With heart felt sentiment he said in a soft voice, "More than anything."

It relieved Margaret to hear that. "I wish you weren't afraid of me."

Hawkeye looked taken aback. She was right, he was afraid of her. "I couldn't even admit it to myself," he said finally. "Let alone to anyone else." He had been blind to it and it had driven him to his breaking point.

"You lied to me," she came out boldly.

The flame in his eyes came alive. "No," he objected in a roaring voice. Suddenly he was off the wall. "I did not lie about anything."

"What about all that you told me about needing to leave Maine?" She asked him earnestly. "You weren't truthful about that, I know that."

He turned so he wasn't facing her and put one hand on his head. "Fuck Hunnicutt."

"He told me because he was concerned about you, just like Sidney..."

Suddenly he turned. "Fuck Sidney!" He yelled. "It wasn't any of their business!" Margaret clutched her sweater at the arms and moved slightly backwards. He'd noticed her step back and ran a hand across his face. He hadn't meant to yell at her like that. "They had no right," he said in a softer voice.

Margaret's hand was resting on her chest. He looked very distressed. "I thought you..."

Hawkeye turned and looked out the window. "Told them? No," he told her flatly. "That was my father's doing."

Margaret hadn't been aware of that. Although she was sure he'd had the best intentions. "I'm sure he was just..."

"He didn't have the right," Hawkeye repeated. "I was in Korea for three years, and in all that time he couldn't tell me. It took him all of five minutes to tell a total stranger." Margaret didn't know what to say. She imagined that she would feel similar had her father kept such a thing from her. He turned his head and looked at her from over his shoulder. In a matter of factly tone he said, "I haven't talked to my father since."

This was news to Margaret. She'd been under the impression that Trapper had picked him up in Maine. "I thought you drove to California from Maine."

"Oh I did." He turned around completely. "I just took a three month detour through Boston."

She pursed her lips. "And you haven't talked to him since?"

Hawkeye nodded. "That's right."

Margaret held her elbow in her hand against her stomach and cupped her chin with the other. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

He walked across the room and sat down on the bed. "What's there to tell?" He asked looking at her. "You already know everything."

She'd only heard as much as Daniel had told BJ. "I want to hear it from you."

Hawkeye sighed heavily and ran a hand across his face. "When I was in my sophomore year of college my father went to Rome for the funeral of a close friend." He put his hands on his knees and looked up at her. "He spent three weeks there, during which he had a short romance with an Italian woman. It ended when he came home. Two weeks before I was to be shipped out he got this letter in the mail." Hawkeye stood up and put his hands in his pockets. "Apparently sometime during the two weeks that they spent together she got pregnant." He removed his hands from his pockets and ran them both through his hair. "I have a ten year old brother." He stood looking at the floor. "And in those two weeks before I left, he couldn't tell me." Hawkeye was starting to talk faster. "For three years he kept it to himself. For three years he knew and he never told me. All that time I spent missing him...and he'd already replaced me."

"No," she shook her head. "He loves you. No one can change that."

He lifted his head and looked her in the eye. "You know what I did when he told me?" He asked. "I flipped the kitchen table."

"You were upset, it's understandable."

"Not nearly as comparable as to when I got drunk and chased Toby Wilder down the street with a forty-five." Margaret's eyes widened. "Now that I think about it, I haven't seen him since that night either."

"Good Lord."

"My best friend didn't even have the guts to tell me."

"Well..." How did someone handle a situation like this? "How do you tell something like that in a letter?"

"Two weeks Margaret. Two weeks!" He walked over to her. "He had two weeks to tell me, and he didn't!"

Margaret didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry honey." She reached out and touched his arm.

"I've lost everything," he said in a soft voice. "My friends, my family..."

She put her other hand on his face. "We have each other."

He smiled sadly. "You're all I have." He covered her hand with his. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

"You're never going to have to find out."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Her spoon clanked against the edge of the bowl. Once, twice, three times. She sipped the rich broth gingerly. The warmth was almost more compelling than the taste. Across from her Hawkeye was watching the rain pound against the window. The spoon was resting in his hand as it rested on the edge of the bowl. He had barely touched his soup.

"Hawkeye." He had a blank expression on his face. "What's wrong, darling?"

He looked almost lurid. "He wants me to meet them," he said in a wispy voice.

"You mean..." She didn't even know the woman's name.

"Yeah." Hawkeye was still starring out the window.

Margaret wasn't quite sure what to say. She thought for a moment. "Well, do you know when?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "End of July maybe."

This certainly was a touchy subject. She didn't want to set him off. "What are you going to do?"

Hawkeye pushed back his chair and stood up. "I don't know." He picked up his bowl and carried it over to the sink.

Margaret watched as he emptied the remnants of the soup down the drain. "Well, you don't have to decide right now."

There was a loud banging sound as he dropped the clay bowl into the metal sink. "Yeah." Although it was clear that what she'd said hadn't registered.

Margaret stood up and set her dishes on the counter. "Let's not worry about that right now. Why don't we just concentrate on us this week."

He had moved to stand beside the window. The pouring rain outside was running down the glass. "I have a little brother." He looked over at her. "How can I ignore that?"

Margaret had her arms folded. The small cabin was starting to become increasingly colder. "You can't." Hawkeye sighed and leaned against the window frame. "And there's no reason why you should have to." She walked over to him and put her hand on his arm. "All you can do is accept that you can't do anything about it and put it behind you."

"How can I just put it behind me?"

"Maybe not put behind, let me rephrase that," she said. "You can't change the fact that your father fathered another child, but you can accept it and move on."

He shook his head. "You can't just move on."

"But you're here with me. We're together."

He tilted his head and looked down at her. She was right. He was taking advantage of her, of their time together. "I'm sorry."

Margaret shook her head. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Ever since I left Korea I regretted telling you how I felt. I spent this entire past year wishing that we could be together. And now that we are...I...I can't seem to keep my head strait."

She rubbed his arm. "I know that you had a tough year. I understand what it's like to come home expecting everything to be better because you're home, just to be let down."

He moved away from the wall and wrapped his arms around her. "I don't know what I would have done had you rejected me."

She smiled against his warm shirt. "But I didn't." He kissed the top of her head, inhaling the sweet scent of her shampoo at the same time. After a moment she stepped back and picked up his hand. She started walking backward, pulling him along. Hawkeye smiled at the mischievous look on her face as she led him back toward the bed.

"Wait." He stopped midstep and held a hand up. "Let me add some logs to the fire."

"Okay." She let go of his hand.

Hawkeye walked over to the fireplace and tossed two logs onto the dwindling fire. Satisfied that the blaze was strong enough he walked over to the bed where Margaret was already lying. He put his knee on the edge and got on, moving until he was lying over her. "I love you," he said looking into her intense blue eyes.

Her hand was resting on his side. "I love you."

His eyes moved down to outline her lips. Making eye contact again he leaned down and kissed her.

Hawkeye had anticipated that once Margaret was in his life his problems would dissolve. He knew now that it didn't work like that. Margaret was there to help him, but she couldn't make everything disappear. That was up to him. In order to do that though, he had to come clean. He had to be completely honest with her, about everything. Starting with the whole story.


	7. Chapter Seven

Margaret woke up to Hawkeye snoring in her ear. She nudged him firmly in the ribs with her elbow, trying to convey to him to move over. "Roll over," she groaned sleepily. He had been practically lying on top of her.

"Scalpel," he said suddenly, startled out of a deep sleep. In a confused state he looked around the room, vaguely remembering where he was. Hawkeye blinked a few times, focusing his eyes on the woman lying next to him. He grinned sleepily when her naked back came into focus. He rolled onto his side and spooned up behind her, kissing her shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her waist.

Margaret put her hand on his arm and rubbed it affectionately. "Morning."

"Mmm." He kissed whatever accessible skin was within immediate reach.

She was surprised at how soundly he had slept, literally. The only time she felt him move during the night was when he rolled off his back, onto her, and began snoring softly in her ear. It was quite a change from the fortnight of sleepless nights he had experienced prior to his trip.

"The fire went out," she said, squeezing his hand. The air was chilly; she could see that a fine layer of frost had formed on the outside of the adjacent window. Thankfully, his pressing body was deliriously warm.

"It's warm enough in here," he mumbled. The bedcovers created a warm pocket of body heat around them.

She turned over so they were lying face to face. A fine layer of rough stubble now cast a shadow over his once relatively smooth face. "How did you sleep?" She asked, pressing her chest against his and resting her cheek on his shoulder. Her arms moved around his waist.

He sighed contently. "I haven't slept so well in...well, I can't remember," he smiled. Everything about Margaret made him feel so relaxed and appeased.

Her hands moved up to stroke his lower back. "Was it good for you?" She grinned, referring to the previous night.

Hawkeye laughed loudly. "I can honestly say I haven't had better." That was probably half of the reason why he slept so good. He dipped his head and kissed her neck. "So, I'm going to go ahead and say we're officially together, right?"

"Right."

They didn't speak again for a long while. There just didn't seem to be the need. What words couldn't express, caressing and sensual touching imparted. Her hands moved up his chest, gliding over smooth muscles until they came to rest on either side of his face. She kissed him ardently, in which he responded by putting his hand on the back of her thigh and pulling her leg over his hip. He rolled her onto her back and fell into position over her.

Margaret bit her lip as she felt Hawkeye's erection against her thigh. She moved her hands down to his hips as he kissed and sucked on her neck. She was just about to slide her hand in between his legs when he gave a startling and pain stricken groan. Margaret looked up at his face, she hadn't even touched him yet.

"Hawkeye?" His eyes were closed tight and there was a look of agony on his face. He groaned again, this time louder. She moved her hand to his face. "Hawkeye, what's wrong?"

His body weight was beginning to weigh down on her. He moved his knee over her leg and collapsed onto the bed beside her. "Ahhhhhhhhh." Margaret pushed the sheets back. His left hand was gripping at his belly. Right where the...

"My bag," he choked out. "My pills are in my bag."

She knew exactly what he was talking about. That little brown bottle she'd found in glove compartment in California. Margaret leapt out of bed and dashed over to his bag. She got down on her knees and hastily opened it. She pushed his clothes around, but didn't see it on the bottom. Her impatience took over and she began tossing clothes onto the floor. Finally! It was resting in the corner under his shaving kit. She grabbed the bottle and jumped back onto the bed.

"How..." The bottle was shaking in her hand as she tried to unfasten the cap. "How many?"

His nails were digging into his flesh and knuckles were turning white. "Three," he said through gritted teeth.

She put three little white pills in the palm of his hand. "I'll go get you some water."

He tossed the pills into his mouth and swallowed them dry. When she came back he washed them down with half a glass of water. "Ohhh," he sighed and closed his eyes as he handed the glass back.

She set it on the bedside table and then laid down beside him. "Are you okay?" She asked him softly.

After a moment he nodded. "I'll be okay," he breathed. She didn't know what to do for him, other than to stay beside him and wait for it to pass. Eventually his grip loosened and his hand relaxed on his stomach. He let out a withheld breath and began to breathe normally. After a minute or so he opened his eyes and repeated, "I'm okay. It's okay."

She looked into his dark blue eyes. "What happened?" There was no way he was getting out of answering this time.

"It happens sometimes," he told her. "Comes on suddenly."

"What was it?" She asked in a serious tone.

"Ah, a spasm, phantom pain, nerve pain...whatever the hell you want to call it."

"From this?" She put her hand over his.

Hawkeye nodded.

"Tell me about it."


End file.
